DEAR SIRIUS BLACK,
AUGUST 21RST, 1979.
I WONDER OFTEN WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE HAD I NEVER MET YOU. I suppose that it would have been all that I had dreamed of.
I would have fallen in love and I would have married and I would have never known the pain I felt to love you. I think about you often, as silly as that sounds.
I wonder if you are doing well. Sometimes I wonder if you have fallen in love with another, no matter how badly it pains me. Sometimes I dream that you and I had ended together despite all the odds that had been placed against us.
Sirius Black, you were a soul like no other. You were the epitome of all that I had been raised to despise and yet you paid no mind to my upbringing. You held your head high despite all that threatened to knock that very head down.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happy should we have truly been in love. I wonder what my life would have been like if all those words you spoke were the truth. It is a shame that they weren't.
You were so very good at lying.
You never failed to have me hanging on the edge of my seat with the tales you used to whisper into my ear. I envied the way you cared for your friends because I knew that nobody would ever care for me that way.
I suppose that's a lie.
Regulus cared for me, though I reckon you already know that. He cared for me until the end, you know. He made sure that all those lies you told me were long forgotten as he spoke the truth.
He never lied to me, Sirius. Not until the very end.
I miss him deeply. Almost as deeply as I miss you.
I miss the way you made me feel as though I was allowed to be myself without any repercussions from the outside world.
Sometimes I wonder if you had planned it all along. Sometimes I wonder if you had simply gotten bored with the road we travelled down together for so long.
I wish that you had loved me the way that I loved you. You knew all along that I would have done anything for you and you used that to your own advantage.
I suppose I'm being rather selfish, writing to you after all this time. I don't know what's come over me but it's been deteriorating my mind for past few days.
I don't think I have very long left of my sad life.
By the end of the week, I will be returned to the arms of your brother. I hope he doesn't hate me the way that you do. Oblivion and isolation have always been my biggest fears.
The fear of oblivion seems so childish as I sit here awaiting my impending demise. I know that I do not have long. He knows where I have gone and he knows what your brother and I have done.
I am afraid to die, Sirius.
More than that, I am afraid to die alone.
I am afraid to die at the hands of the man that we fought so hard to destroy. Sometimes I wish that I would have just done as my family had. I wish that I had no humanity left within my soul so that I could turn and follow him blindly to death.
You are the cause of that. Did you know that? Did you know that you changed everything for me, Sirius.
You changed my life and yet you will be nowhere to be found when that very life is extinguished into nothing. You made sure of that with the very first lie you ever told me.
Do you remember what it was?
It was so obvious to all those around and yet I failed to see through your intentions because I was so blindly intoxicated by your aura.
I wish I would have believed them all when they told me that you were no good. You were a lost cause and I was hellbent on fixing you.
I wish I wouldn't have believed you when you told me you loved me because I was destined to die the day I realized that my response to your lie was the truth.
I wish that I didn't love you, Sirius Black, but I do and I will until the very end.
FOR THE LAST TIME,
ESTELLE BAUDELAIRE.
