“My best dreams and my worst nightmares have the same people in them” I feel like this quote really hits close to home because of how much truth there is behind it. My best dreams are also my worst nightmares. I dream about happy times when Aydin was alive and I was in a happy relationship and he would tease me for all the cheesy and sappy things I’d say. Those are my best and happiest dreams, but they are also my worst and most painful nightmares.
I used to think that you could never dream of something happy and have it also be your worst nightmare, until now. For weeks after having lost Aydin, I would dream of seeing him in the halls of the school, and then waking up to realize that he is no longer around. I would walk through the school and see someone who looked somewhat like him or dressed like him and would think it’s him. Only to realize it wasn’t and to be reminded that he’s not here.
I’ve underestimated the world. I used to think that no one thing can be happy and sad at the same time. At least, until now. I now know that something or someone, can be the one person who can make you the happiest you’ve been in a long time, or they can be the one thing to make you want to cry yourself to sleep for weeks.
It’s like the quote, “It’s funny when the one person who can make you happy, is the reason for your tears” I used to think that something or someone could not be happy and sad at the same time. Now, when I look back on my memories with Aydin, I get feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, but I also feel happy, warm, and safe. While I feel guilty and shameful for choices I made, I also feel happy and safe because I made those choices with the people I love. I did something I chose to do, with the people I love.
I’ve learned to never run and hide from my fears. I’ve learned to just face them head-on. So instead of hiding from my nightmares and staying up at night, I’ve learned to make the best of them. When I have these happy dreams that double as nightmares, I now try to overlook the part that scares me, and to enjoy the part that makes me happy.
Through all of these ups and downs, I’ve learned so much, experienced a lot, and grown as a person in more ways than I could’ve imagined. It still hurts every day and it always will, but now I can live knowing that I don’t have to continue fearing my dreams, or the hidden nightmares within those dreams. The things I’ve feared, I can now embrace. The parts of me that I was afraid of are now a part of me that I can be open about.
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THE MEMORY OF YOU...US...MY 8TH GRADE YEAR
Non-FictionMy name is Zoie. I am a highschool student and this is the story of how I lost my friend to suicide and my hardships. I hope this gets out into the world and helps others. Will try to update weekly with what I have. Content and trigger warning: this...
