THE MEMORY OF YOU...US...MY 8TH GRADE YEAR

Lost In Thought

“Sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care than to admit it’s killing you” I believe that sometimes we get trapped inside our own minds and begin to overthink things. For me, this happens quite often. I try to let go, to bring down the walls that I’ve built up. In the end, I overthink everything and get lost in my own thoughts. When I finally snap out of my daze, hours could have passed, or maybe even just minutes. When this happens, I go through the motions of my life, but my mind, my heart isn't in it. 

I get so lost in my own thoughts, that I begin to believe some of the negativity I tell myself. Yet, I continue on like I don’t care. I continue on until it gets too much to bear on my shoulders, and I finally fall. Sometimes it’s just easier to pretend you don’t care and that everything is “fine”, rather than admitting that you aren’t “fine”. That you are in fact, not “fine”. 

I get so lost in my thoughts to the point where sometimes, I don’t know reality from my imagination. I begin to think that the world isn’t real. That all the bad that’s happened, that losing Aydin, was all just some twisted government experiment. It may sound stupid, but for so long, I would fall into these dazes that I would come up with unreasonable theories. 

Aside from my delusions, which had been formed out of my grief, I had spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I would be laying in bed at night, just thinking, then suddenly I’d be hit with a wave of grief and I’d quietly sob myself to sleep. So many bottled up emotions came rushing out in waves after losing Aydin. If I had believed that getting lost in my thoughts was bad enough before he committed suicide. It was 1000x worse after losing him. The reality of it would hit me repeatedly until finally I could no longer cry no more, and it was time for me to get ready for school. 

I had lost track of time, I had lost hours of sleep. I had lost not only my best friend, but I had lost the energy to care for my own well being. By overthinking, I started to think about everything I would talk to Aydin about. I would turn to him for advice about my relationship, my friendships, even my home life. As a result, I had become overly dependent on him. I had become overly dependent on my boyfriend as well. I built a support system to hold me up but realized that I wasn’t holding myself up when I should have. 

Now, being single, and Aydin is gone, I have had to find new ways to work myself out of my thoughts. I have to depend on myself. I have had to adapt to holding myself up on my own two feet. This hasn’t always been easy. Since losing Aydin and breaking up with my boyfriend, I’ve had a lot more time to overthink. I’ve had a lot more time to blame myself for things I had no control of. Through this, I’ve learned to accept and know that I’m not to blame for everything that has happened. No one person is 100% at fault for something. It is a group effort. Whether intentional or not, everybody plays a role in the events that happen to them. 

I had constantly blamed myself for not doing enough to prevent Aydin from taking his own life. I blamed myself for not being a good enough girlfriend and that is why he left. In the end, it wasn’t all my fault. There were multiple aspects to these situations. I can’t control everything that happens around me and to me, but I can take control of my own life. I can strive to live a long and happy life, whilst still honoring Aydin’s memory, and being happy with my friendships and relationships. I can’t control the way people act towards me or the way they feel about me, but I can control the way I react. I can control the way I live my life, the way I view myself, the way I view other people, and the way I view the world. 

You can too. Don’t stress about what other people are going to judge you for. Don’t constantly worry about, “what am I going to wear to school?”  or “will they like me? What should I do to make them like me?”. Be happy with who you are. Make good choices and take care of yourself. That is how to leave a good impression on people. Don’t change yourself to please the world. Take care of yourself, your health, and aim to please yourself. Be proud and confident in your own skin. If they don’t like you, then they aren’t meant to be in your life. Keep your life clean of negativity. Stay positive as much as you can. It’s okay to cry and be sad, but don’t let that negativity rule your life. Find that light that is at the end of your dark tunnel. Believe in yourself and your future. Follow your dreams and passions. Take control of YOUR life.