Letters for Sally

Chapter 5

Chapter 5
The loneliness that Sally felt was beginning to feel like her only companion. She was taught to be resilient and deal with her emotions as she felt them. Not to stuff them or pretend they didn't exist. Her mother also taught her to calm herself down from the fight or flight place in her brain and to look at everything and respond with tact and truth. She said that the Bible taught to take thoughts captive and put them at the feet of Jesus. Her mother always said that feelings that are stuffed would turn into something else and manifest into deep pain and cause lots of other issues in life later. Her mother was so wise. However, right now Sally couldn't even place a finger on her emotions they seemed like they had a mind of their own. One minute she was mad and the next overwhelmingly sad. She found herself confused a lot and in a haze. She would have times where she found herself in literal denial as she kept thinking her mother would walk through the door like always and help her figure all this out. She had never felt so out of control of her own thoughts and feelings before. She found herself blaming people for her mother's death, sometimes even herself and God. Her logical mind was trying so hard to take control and deal with these feelings in a controlled and organized fashion but they seemed to be doing their own thing without her permission. Sally sat down on her armchair and put her head in her hands. She rubbed her temples and her eyes. She had never cried so much in her life and she was feeling numb and exhausted. Normally she would go talk to her mom when she felt such pain, confusion, fear, and deep sadness but... she isn't in her study or her room; she is under the ground. Sally recalled them lowering the casket she had seen her mother in earlier that day. She wondered why the ground? Why was her mother going in the ground? She knew that was how things were done but she hadn't ever thought of it in the context of it being her momma. Sally realized, as a lump formed in her sore throat and tears stung her eyes without her permission, her momma, her best friend, her only real family was gone. How could this happen? What was God doing? God is supposed to protect us, help us, save us... But her mother wasn't protected from that drunk driver. God didn't save her; she was dead on impact! Why her mother? Wasn't it enough to not have a father? Why would God take her only family? What good could possibly come from this. The Bible says God uses all things, even bad stuff to work for the good of those who love him... Right? How is He working this?!?! How is this good? She started to cry uncontrollably again. Part of her wanted to raise a first to God and scream at Him and part of her knew that was disrespectful and that God was good and His word was right even if she didn't feel it right now. After all her emotions seemed to have a mind of their own and yelling at God would not be right in this confused state of mind. The thought passed through her mind to ask God for help, but in all honesty she didn't really want to talk to him right now. She just wanted to be alone, she wanted to sleep and maybe not wake up. She knew these thoughts were not right but she couldn't help it. She was angry and sad and confused!

It felt like the pain in her chest would never leave. She hadn't been to school for a week and a half but she just could not bear talking to other people. She couldn't fake a smile or keep it together. She knew this was too hard to hide in public and she seemed to have lost the ability to deal with pain and emotions. This was something she used to be so good at. But this time it was just too much and she didn't know where to start. People had called from her mother and father's family but she often just didn't respond or would tell them she is fine that she is just sad so they would leave her alone. She wasn't close enough to any of them to really want their comfort. She was a private person and the only other human she was close enough to, to be authentic with was now dead. She had thought about going to church but she couldn't muster the energy. She just didn't want to be weak in public. She was exhausted and not up to getting dressed much less being with people she would have to talk to. She knew herself, she would lie to them. She would tell them she is fine to avoid talking. She decided that was ok. She just needed some time to be alone and not try to perform or fake a smile. All of a sudden she heard the Holy Spirit say, "Sally, come to me all that are weary and broken, I will give you rest." Sally stopped and she listened but didn't respond. Her thoughts went to that place again, "God could have stopped this." She dismissed her thoughts and the Holy Spirit and tried to ignore the invite. She had to admit her anger and blame was settled on God. She was still a believer, still loved Him, knew He could bring comfort, but she would not relent. She was angry that He didn't protect her mom or her. Deep inside she felt the distance and knew it was not good but she just couldn't do it yet. She didn't want to have harsh words with God but she didn't want to hear from Him either. She just wanted to get these emotions under control like she normally would. But the emotions had a mind of their own and their mind kept winning over hers. She wasn't sure why but she decided, regardless of her mother's good advice, to not deal with this; she felt stuffing it deeper inside was best for now. If she was going to stay alive she had to stuff because dealing with it caused too much confusion and pain.

Roger had been increasingly worried over Sally. She wasn't eating like she should and she was not leaving the house and most days only gave him a short fake smile and nod. He could count on both hands how many times she had spoken to him and it was usually just to respond to him. She was in her head, he could tell that she was always deep in thought or just blank. He knew his kind of sadness would be normal. He had lost his parents in a car crash when he was 13. He knew the places her mind could go. He knew the deep confusion, pain, and pure torture she was living right now. She used to be such a fun, kind, loving person. She always told him how amazing he was, how good his food was, and how God was so good to give him to her as a friend. Now, she had no appetite or source of joy. He prayed every night for God to give her some relief to bring her some comfort and rest. He knew God would be faithful but he also knew something needed to change. Staying in this big place alone with no one but him, who was only here to cook three times a day, was not going to bring her any healing. He had a wife and three kids so he couldn't do more than his work. She wasn't talking to him anyway and barely responded to his gestures to talk. He was beginning to get very worried and then the Holy Spirit reminded him of the pamphlets the man with the white suit had given him. He saw that he had talked to Sally that day as well but he gave him the same stuff and made sure he had his information. He had been told he was most likely the closest person to her. The man in the white suit was right, but Roger had a realization he was all she had and he was not enough. Roger decided the best thing to do was to call this man and figure out who he was and if he could help.