Letters for Sally

Chapter 10

Chapter 10
Sally turned behind her and walked faster the truck was gaining on her.  Why was it following her, she wondered.  She felt a flash of fear spread across her body starting from her tummy and up her spine.  Why are these people following me.  She was seriously starting to wonder if taking a walk was a good idea late at night.  Was coming here the right choice?  So many questions began to flood her mind and she noticed the truck seemed to be speeding up and slowing down to meet her pace.  They flashed their lights and revved up the engine a few times.  They were following her!  But why, she thought to herself.  She started to walk quickly and stayed on the shoulder of the road almost into the grass.  They started to speed up to match her pace so she decided to run for the road. She saw a neon green sign up ahead.  Sally ran hard as her heart beat faster and faster.  She was being chased and the person driving the car was drunk and playing around, she decided.  This wasn't a joke!  We're these people crazy?  How was she going to out run these people?  She kicked off her heels and was able to pick up the pace.  The ground was frozen and cold and she was starting to feel the energy escape her and they were speeding up to match her pace again. Her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest.  Her legs began to feel like rubber as she pushed herself harder and harder making her body go past the limit of its current energy.  The adrenaline from the fear that has now completely engulfed her entire body was her only hope.  The truck touched her back once and she almost fell but caught herself before falling.  Something in her came alive and she pulled away just slightly but her energy was coming to an end and she could feel it.  She wondered when these idiots were going to back off and stop being so stupid!  Why was this happening to her? Before she knew it she was hit in the back and she fell.  The truck tried to stop but it ran over her body with both the front and back wheels.

Sally sat straight up in bed with sweat dripping down her face and back.  She had never had a night terror so awful and realistic as that one.  She looked around the room slightly confused about her surroundings. She wondered where she was and where her mother was?  As she woke up and looked around her Memory came back to the real world slowly.  She wasn't hit by a truck but she felt like her heart had been run over and left in pieces all over the cold hardwood floor.  She blinked a few times and wiped the tears now forming in the corner of her eyes.  All the wonder of a new adventure had almost made her forget about why she was there in the first place.  The more her mind came back the more she realized that was a dream very similar to what they told her happened with her mother.  They asked if the family wanted to press charges but Sally just wanted to be alone and not deal with any of it.  Sally's dream made her realize just how much the circumstances of her mother's death bothered her.  She knew enough to know she would need to deal with this but she was so resistant.  The pain of her mother being gone was almost too much and the pain of knowing the horrible circumstances of how her mother died was too much.  She just could not deal with it.  However, it seems her brain will not leave this alone.  Pain as deep as what she is feeling must be felt, must be experienced, must be dealt with somehow.  Until she decides to deal with this problem directly and head on, her brain will try to deal in any way it can, and nightmares are often a result. She knew this all too well.  Not only had her father wrote about the grieving process for her mother to work through her grief with her father but her mother also went on to get a masters in Psychology.  Her mother often shared information with her she learned in school and of course she used her wealth of knowledge to raise and guide Sally.  Sally did not know everything by any means but she remembered a class her mother had about nightmares and unresolved trauma or PTSD.  She didn't know the specifics but she was pretty sure this dream was her brain simply telling her she has to deal with this death and the details.  Sally couldn't pretend and run away from it.  It would follow her, it would chase her down like that truck in her dream or the car in her mother's death.  It would consume her and take her if she wasn't careful. 

Sally laid back in bed and tried to go to sleep but every time she closed her eyes the image of her mother in the casket was all she could see.  After a while she decided to get up.  She turned the light on and saw a bible verse on a painting on the wall in her room.  'Seek first the Kingdom of God and all things will be given to you."  She knew the verse well.  She realized she hadn't talked to God in a long time and she still didn't want to.  She knew deep inside He was the only way out of this mess of grief she seemed to be falling harder and deeper into.  Every attempt she made to cover the pain and move forward was her literally taking a step back away from peace.  She knew it, she could feel it, but for some strange reason she was resistant.  She was angry and she knew she was blaming God.  He could have saved her mother and He didn't.  She was left completely alone and God didn't even try to save her, protect her, help her.  He is all powerful and mighty.  He is the great I am!  He can do anything and we can do all things through Him but He let her die!  Sally felt the heat rise up from her chest and into her face.  She was angry and her face was hot.  I can not do this right now.  I can not go here! Her thoughts seemed to be darting around her mind like a hummingbird searching flowers for nectar.  She can not do this alone. 

Sally started to cry uncontrollably and felt a surge of emotion come over her entire body.  At this point she could not decipher or identify her feelings.  She was alone, utterly and completely alone and she felt the fullness of that reality.  She could even feel herself pulling away from God the one whom she had always felt complete in regardless of her life's circumstances.  She knew God, she knew Him intimately and she had no doubts about His existence.  She knew He loved her, and that He died for her salvation but she could not get past the anger she felt toward Him for allowing this to happen to her only family, her only parent left. She was doubting Him as far as His plans and His best for her life. No  How could taking her mom or allowing her to die be His best for Sally?  She wondered and cried and questioned until the sun came back up.  She didn't sleep much that first night and hoped that the day would bring a much needed distraction from all this thinking and emotion she was tired of feeling.  Her exhaustion was always heavy on her mind, heart, soul and physical body.  She was losing hope about finding peace but she was also determined to do the only thing she craved the most, to be close to her mother and father via the journals, love letters and Mr. Harry's stories.