16th November 23:59hrs.....
17th November 00:00hrs
Dear Diary,
Happy Birthday to me.
Having to live this whole life, I've come to the point where birthday is just another day to live on.
But this birthday is a rather special for me where all sums up my life to be a major messed up.
When the whole world is facing this pandemic, I've lost my job because of that excuses. With lots of bills to pay and lots of mouth to feed.
I kinda lost too.
Finding a new job is not easy with the current world pandemic situation.
I've been working my whole life to provide to everyone in my care and I've been neglecting myself along this years.
But when I have this chance to restart again (which I think to myself alot this day) I'm stuck here. What I want to do? What should I do? Where do I start? How to start?
I don't know.
What should I do now? That's the question I asked myself but I don't have the answer.
I don't know.
Maybe with all that happened to me right now, I just have to stay strong and think thoroughly what I want this time.
I can't be who I was, 10 years ago. I almost lost me through the process of grief. My life is at the beginning of the downfall at that time. I follow the flow but on the wrong path.
I do everything to make people happy and to that make me trap of my own unhappiness. I become people pleaser, I lower myself for other, deceiving myself that when people happy, I'll be happy too.
What is exactly I'm searching?
I don't know.
What would this birthday wishes are? I wish I could find myself. I really wish I can find the happiness that I deserve but behind this wishes what I truly want - if only I can turn back time to where I can make amendment to the mistakes I've made, knowing it all will only make me who I am today... Impossible wish.
Life had thought me many things and
there is a lot of things I learn through all this time but thinking of that made me more regret on the decision I made and take.
I've always trying to see the positive side of every problem, no accurately to say... I tried to manipulate myself to take things positively.
I had a lot of complaints, I had a lot of anger, I had a lot of things to say but I kept it to myself.
I can't really talk to anyone, no one understands the wars inside my head. No one know what I really meant.
The thought I had in my head always come out differently from my mouth.
Because I scared of people judgment.
***
I let that take a toll of my life to the point I let people help me to think what I should think - does it make sense?
