Journey through Lupus

Recovery

I'm out of the hospital and on my way to recovery. I have been seeing my doctors very regularly. My pain level isn't controlled yet. I'm having a lot of pain shooting from my shoulder to my hand. The pain meds aren't working too well. I have a high tolerance for pain and I usually don't cry but I can't control my crying. I'm awaken by strong pain every night. It had gotten to the point I thought I was going crazy. My doctor finally decided to give me a Intrathecal drug delivery system implant. I had to go into surgery to have it implanted. As of now it's working well. I can really smile and not fake it. It is in temporary. I can live with that.

With lupus you have different symptoms but they all revolve around pain. We always feel like we have the flu. When I actually came down with the flu last year I couldn't tell the difference until I couldn't breathe. I wish we had medications that didn't cause other deadly symptoms. At times I wished for a new body because my body feels as if it is broken down. I wish I would have a pain free day. If I didn't have pain I would think I'm dead.

I wish I could have a relationship like everyone else. Most guys are afraid to get attach to me because of my illness. They think I'm too sickly and can't deal with all I go through. I know I'm not meant to be alone and I'm waiting patiently for a mate that God sends me. My youngest son often tell me that I will never meet anyone because I stay in the bakery or at home at all times. He always tell me that I have to do better. He always laugh at me because I get very shy around men and when I do meet a man I'm too quiet. He stays on my case. I know I have a lot of work to do as far self esteem issues. I don't just want anyone but someone that will be there for the long haul. My heart has been broken by my kids father and I just can't deal with that kind of heartbreak again. Trust me I'm over him but I keep my heart under lock and key. It will take a strong man to unlock my heart where I can love again. I'm not into playing these games men put you through. I also feel like this: if you don't plan to marry me, don't plan to sex me. He can be mad all he wants to, but the cookies are on lock !! I'm not getting any younger and I feel that my worth is more than a roll in the hay. It's too many diseases out here and I'm not adding to my health problems. I know I will have a mate soon enough.

I hate I have issues with swelling. One minute I'm one size and the next minute I'm a totally different size. I'm glad that I've been losing weight. I want to get back to my old size. I know size will make a difference on my joints. Sometimes it's hard walking around with weight and to top it off add fluid. I've been on a strict regime and its working. I've lost 96 pounds so far. This has really made me excited. I love to see my doctors faces when they check my weight. Some of the nurses are doing what I do to lose weight. They told me that I'm an inspiration to them. That makes me feel spectacular to be able to inspire someone. We all should strive to inspire someone daily.

God has been great to me. He has delivered me out of some scary situations. I give him the praise each and every day. Everyone has a cross to bear and my cross is LUPUS I thank him for giving me the strength to bear the pains. I wear a smile daily but no one knows the pain I'm feeling. People always tell me that I don't look sick but lupus is a disease where you can't look at a person to tell they are sick. It is a invisible disease. My eyes will tell you if I'm sick. My eyes always tell on me. That's the reason when I'm sick I never take pictures close to my eyes. I've learned tricks to cover up how I'm feeling. I don't like to complain and I never like to worry my sons. My youngest one always know when I'm sick and I haven't figured out how he knows. My dog Oreo also knows when I'm about to be very ill because he will get under me and whine like a baby and usually I end up in the hospital. Dogs have a sense of when something is wrong.