Sadness Hotline || Ethan Nestor x Reader

nineteen

Time skip

Entry 3 11/10/2020

Ethan and I have been hanging out almost everyday for about two months now. He's become my best friend.

It feels weird to say, but, we have a....connection? He sort of, I don't know, fills a void in my heart. God it sounds so cringe when I say it.

My therapist says writing this will help. It's for me only. Just to get my thoughts down. I haven't written in a long time.

Y/n's eyes shot up as their door clicked open. A curious, now brown-haired boy peaked his head around the corner, scanning his eyes around the room. His eyes found their way to Y/n's and a smile shot onto his face.

The sound of shuffling pages emitted through the room as Y/n carefully, but quickly shoved the lose pieces of paper back into their rightful place in their notebook.

Ethan, now walking towards them, looked down at the notebook.

"Writing again?" His head tilted as he sat on Y/n's bed with a flop.

Y/n nodded, "Yeah, nothing important today, though."

"I see, but is it helping, do you think?" He asked gently.

Ethan's mind filled with thoughts as he anxiously awaited Y/n's reply. He cares for them, and he just wants to help, and make sure they're okay, as much as possible.

"Yeah...I think so. It's definitely helped clear my mind." They paused, "It helps me decipher my thoughts y'know?"

Ethan nodded, "Yeah, I'm glad it's helping. You deserve to be as happy as you can be." He smiled, and gently nudged Y/n.

A moment of silence filled the air. Y/n usually doesn't mind the silence. Speaking just isn't necessary sometimes, and that's okay.

After some minutes, Ethan shot up as something in his brain clicked.

"Shit-" his voice rose as he frantically grabbed his phone.

Y/n, snapping out of their momentary daze, looked up at the now stressed, Ethan.

"What's wrong?" Y/n's normally decently low pitched voice rose as panic quickly flooded their brain.

"Oh no! Don't worry about it, it's nothing serious. I just forgot to finish editing the video for Unus Annus and I have about an hour to finish and upload it-" he said as he sent a text to his friend Mark, apologizing for the mistake.

"I'm so sorry for the short visit, but I have to go finish editing n' shit, but I'll come back right after." He assured.

"It's no problem, just text me when you're coming back." Y/n said waving as Ethan walked towards their door.

As the door shut, Y/n sighed and grabbed their earbuds which sat charging on their nightstand.

They popped the devices into their ears and heard the sound of a quiet beep which indicated that they had connected to Y/n's phone.

Y/n opened Spotify and chose a playlist.

A song they had frequently listened to before rang out in their ears:

You rest your head up

On my shoulder blade

You think I would hesitate

To be someone

That you thought was him

But you're resting against my skin

And nothing ever felt

As good as this...

Y/n set the song to repeat for a while, and they grabbed the notebook they had previously thrown behind them.

They found the page they last wrote on, and continued.

I'm used to Ethan being busy because of YouTube. It sucks when he leaves, though. His presence makes me feel safe, I guess.

Whenever he's here I know I'll be fine. I̶t̶s̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶...

Y/n crossed out the permanent mistake they had regrettably written in pen. They sighed and began writing again.

His presence is just... warm.

I've also started realising how much of my life he's consumed. I mean at least 80% of this journal is filled with my thoughts, or stories about him. When he's here all I think about is him. When he leaves, I space out until I write here.

I'm fine without him, I just want to keep myself safe, block out my brain. I don't even really know my mental state right now. I think I'm fine. But I couldn't be sure.

God this is chaotic.

An:

Memento mori.