Butterfly || Jin

10 - Home To Stay

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"Where your heart belongs is a home to you"

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During two years of Jin's absence, they didn't continue their official group work. They didn't want to continue that, not when they are not fully together. Seven or nothing.

However to get things shut, they release digital songs. Songs after songs with all seven of their voices in them.

They didn't release any album but keep on releasing digital songs. They didn't want to promote their new album at any broadcast show if they release the album.

Deep down for Jin, he waited for the six of them to release something, to have a comeback at least but what he hoped for never came.

It's a lie to say that Jin didn't know about those digital songs. Of course he knows, he wanted them to move on with their life, he expected them to especially when the first digital song came out.

But that song, it was the song that he was a part of. Then another song came out and another. All of them were the songs that he was a part of.

He didn't understand why they keep torturing themselves like that. But then, after a year, Bangtan decided to stop releasing another digital song.

They already released all they have? No, there are hundreds more. Since the debut until before Jin left, there are so much songs that couldn't make it into the album not because they're bad but simply because they had to minimise the song lists.

Those songs that didn't make it into the album were kept well and that were the songs that Bangtan and Bighit keep releasing even after Jin left.

Slowly the number of Jin's fansites started to shrink, maybe because they get tired of waiting for him to update anything or maybe because they gave up on him.

Whatever it is, Jin is grateful they left because he wanted all his fansites to move on from him.

Another lie to say that Jin didn't get hurt seeing fansites after fansites closed especially those who were with him since the debut but still, Jin wanted them to move on.

One cold night, on 2nd of December, Jin bundled up in thick clothes. He went for a walk at the Han River for the view and to get fresh air. So much things happened in those two years.

Looking at the lights shining the street walk, Jin lets out a sigh. He enjoys this life. As much as he enjoyed his life as Bangtan's Jin, he also enjoyed this new life.

It feels so much better. Better because there were no hurtful words that makes him feels like he was a less human than the other no matter how hard he tried.

Better because he has so much time to himself. Better because he can visit Seungyeon's mother as frequent as he can and finally, better because he can spend his time, as much as he wants to visit Seungyeon.

"Even after you're gone, I keep bothering you with my burden. I'm sorry, I will be better in my next life"

"In our next life, let's do a role change. Let me become you, the friend who is always be there for you just like what you did to me. You don't need to suffer anymore, just live your life like I do."

"I'm so sorry for us to part ways like we did. I never get the change to be better to you but I wanted you to know that you will always be my friend. Don't worry about your mother, I will take care of her. Please, please just be alright there for me and for her"

Jin closes his eyes, his tears fell.

"You don't need to act in front of me, just let out all your worries. We're friends right? Don't feel bad for it, one day you'll be there for me as well"

Those words keep replaying on his mind for the longest time ever. Seungyeon was his dear best friend, no one could replace him.

Jin didn't get to be there for him. Even during his best friend's funeral, he wasn't there. He wasn't there for Seungyeon.

If only he answered the phone call that night, he would feel less guilty. If only.

Jin still has deep grudge over Bighit. They didn't let him go to the funeral.

Why can't his mind moves on? Because the damaged has been done. A damaged person Kim Seokjin is.

There's a saying and it's true

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that."

Jin has been doing that for years because he didn't want anyone to feel like what he feels. He is broken beyond repair.

If they were given a chance, they wanted to meet Kim SeokJin again. They wanted to meet eyes with him, they wanted to hold him in their embrace again and never letting him go. They wanted to pour words of comfort on him.

"Without saying a word, you can light up the dark"

"That's what you are to us. We are in the dark, we are lost but you found us. You hold onto us ignoring yourself so that we will never be lost again in the dark, not knowing that we are the one who lock you up in the dark, never letting you to light up your own self"

"We are that selfish. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we failed you again, countless time that you're so tired, that you're so desperate to let go of everything that you're willing to spit out yourself that you wanted to be happy"

"I'm sorry that all these time we are happy, constantly searching for more happiness than what we already got but you, our brother, you were screaming for comfort you're screaming at us to be happy but we choose to ignore you"

They wanted to say those words, they wanted to ask for forgiveness but both Kim Seokjin and Bangtan's Jin disappears from their eyes. No one knows where he is or maybe his family knows but no one else apart his family knows where he is.
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Looking deeper through the dark scenery in front of him, he now knows that they are his light. They are the people who brighten up his life. Performing with them, having fun with them, living with them and most importantly knowing them were the greatest memories of his life.

Twelve years ago, meeting and knowing them was his greatest memory. Without doubt, they are the people who he needs in his life.

"Do you have anything to say?"

Jimin takes his time looking at the camera carefully.

"If you're enduring, please don't keep it to yourself only. You probably had many thoughts about it, we talked a lot. We talked about what we wanted to do, what we couldn't do"

"When I heard what everyone was talking about, I could understand where there were coming from maybe because we've been together for such a long time but when it comes to you, I realised"

"I realised a lot about you, someone whom I look up to the most. The words you muttered didn't tell a lot but your eyes were hinting something I couldn't understand. Each and every time"

"How I wish I could talk to you more-" tears are falling down unconsciously, he wipes them straight away, smiling at the cameras.

"We never took you seriously, we know it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for that. I still want to know a lot of things about you, please give me, please give us another chance"

Silence overwhelming the scene after the words.

"Do you want to add more?"

He smiles at the interviewer. He looks straight at the camera, tears filled eyes threatening to fall again.

"To us, we lost a person but to you, you lost six. How hard is it for you-"

"If you're watching this, I wanted you to know that we will always welcome you. Anytime, always. It doesn't matter how long but we will always welcome you, we will always wait for you"

"Come back, hyung"

Until the very end, Jin listens closely to the words. Until the very end he watch the person who used to cheer on him talked. Jimin is always the sweetest.