Better Than Dreams

An Apology

Sebastian

"Sebastian?"

"Timothy."

Timothy looked startled, embarrassed. For what reason? Don't ask me. People are stupid.

"Why are you here? I mean, I'm not angry, it's just- I was looking for you and- well, I guess- I'm sorry." Timothy said, cutting himself off at every sentence. Why did this kid have so much trouble speaking? Jesus.

"You should be." I wasn't wrong exactly. Well, I had a right to be angry, at least. Right?

"Yeah, well- what" Timothy said, his eyebrows knit. "You should be, too! I was upset and all you could do was quote some TV show!"

I suppose he did have a point. I did like quotes, though, not for the reason others may think. Sure, I made fun of Timothy's stammering, but it wasn't like I was any better at social interactions. I was too blunt. Always said what was on my mind. Lin had tried to teach me to be more considerate, but what did I care? If people thought I was fucked, then so be it. they didn't have to talk to me if they didn't like me. I used the quotes to speak for me, in a way. I couldn't use my own words, so I used other peoples. Like always. I wasn't good enough.

I did get a bit jealous of Lin at times, I'll admit. It's not like I craved friends -far from it,- just... Lin always looked so happy with his baseball friends. Not to mention his girlfriend. God, he could not shut up about Grace. 

She was nice enough. Acceptably intelligent. Kind. She was pretty, I'll give her that. She had long black hair which she dyed with streaks of colour. A new colour of the rainbow every week. Her eyes were a dark brown, almost black. She was tall. Still shorter than Lin, but I'd only met one person who wasn't. She was Asian and would tell me a bunch of stories about Japan, thinking I actually gave a shit. I doubt any of them were true anyway.

"Fuck off." I replied simply.

"You were the one who came up to me! What do you mean?" Timothy stood up, throwing his hands in the air. Great. A repeat of yesterday. "Also, language." He added quickly, a frown on his lips.

"Yeah, whatever."

I stood there for a minute, glaring at Timothy, daring hi to look away. Finally, he relented. 

Timothy sighed, reached up, and ran a hand trough his hair. It was getting darker now that we were in Autumn. It was more of a light brown than blond by then.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Timothy said, his eyes giving away the slightest hint of pleading.

"Yes?"

"Yes. I shouldn't have yelled. Happy?"

I really wasn't, but we were on such thin ice and I didn't want to start another fight.

"Yeah." I said quietly. "Yeah, thanks."

I heard Timothy let out a sigh of relief, then smile. I tried to keep my face stoic.

"I met your brother. He's really nice. He's head boy?" Timothy asked. he honestly probably didn't care. Just trying to make conversation. I hated small talk.

"He's really not. Nice, I mean."

That was a lie. Lin was one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. He was responsible, helpful, kind, open. He deserved to be head boy more than anyone. We'd just... never got along that well.

"Okay?" Timothy looked confused. He regained his smile and asked, "Hey, uh, you wanna go do something? Together?"

That was the last thing I wanted to do, but if I wanted friends, I'd have to actually talk to the people who could tolerate me.

"Sure. Like what?"

"Uh, I know this pond just in campus. Near the forest?"

I didn't know it, but I'd heard some students talking about a duck. I assumed it lived at the pond?

"Okay."

                                                                              _-_--_-_

Timothy led me along the paths outside the school. I'd never really explored campus. It was quite nice.

There were lots of trees lining the paths, a river somewhere in the forest that I could hear, and hummingbirds flited through the reddening leaves of Fall.

"I think it's this way." Timothy said, pointing down a path to our left. I shrugged.

We walked for about thirty seconds, then coming into a small clearing with a pond and some benches around it. It was, actually, a very nice spot. The water looked clean enough. It was rather cold, but that was just the weather. And a duck. It looked like the spawn of Satan. Awesome.

I pulled my jacket tighter around me. Timothy didn't seem cold. He even seemed a bit warm. God, we were not similar at all. 

I was tall, concerningly pale, raven-haired, and a jerk. He was fair-haired, slightly tanned, and too kind to be real. Most of the time. Well, all the time. I just didn't want to accept the fact that someone may want to be my friend. I was unfair to him. I wished I could change, but it was a defence mechanism. Hurt others before they have the chance to hurt you. I learnt that the hard way.

Lin had noticed a small change in my behavior when I found that lesson out. He'd asked me if I was okay. I ignored him. He told me it would be better to 'let it out' on someone who cares rather than others who don't deserve my anger, but I couldn't. Lin was the one person whose opinion I cared about. If I saw the sadness in his eyes, the worry for his brother's safety, his state of mind, I wouldn't be able to take it. I could act all tough in front of him, but it would break me. One more crack and I'd break. Lin knew that. he was the only person who could do that to me and he knew it. That's why he never pushed the question any further than I was comfortable with, which was not at all.

We had made a silent pact to never speak of the incident. Even when it pushed me to do drugs, smoke, skip school... never. No-one could ever know. People knowing wasn't actually what I feared, it was more me knowing. I'd pushed it to the back of my head, making it feel like a dream. If the rumor spread I'd finally have to face it.

"Here we are!" Timothy said, smiling.

"It's nice"

"Yeah. It is." 

Timothy sat down on one of the benches and motioned for me to follow suit. I perched on the edge next to him.

"I- I really am sorry." Timothy said suddenly.

"I know." I felt horrible about earlier so I added, wincing, "Same."

Timothy's face lit up. He grinned and stuck out his hand.

"Friends?" He asked, slightly sheepish.

I paused, unsure of what to say. Lin would've laughed and immediately become all buddy-buddy with Timothy if he were here. God, why wasn't I more like him? Dad was right.

My parents had always pushed me to be more like Lin. Your brother get's good grades, why can't you? Your brother is head boy, and you skip! Be more like Lin.

"Yes."

Wait, what? I hadn't even- I hadn't even finished my thoughts. Guess we were friends? I wasn't sure how to feel.

"Awesome! You can call me Tim, by the way. Timothy is what my parents call me when they're angry." He laughed.

"Tim..."

"Right. Can I call you Seb?"

"No."

"Cool. Come on, Seb!"