Forget me not

Chapter 21

It was night again, I could feel it. It was strange because I could somehow tell that we were not in the danger of the forest any longer. We had returned to Lothlorien. I could feel it. I missed Legolas terribly, for he had vanished for a few precious moments earlier in the day, and I had not been able to get rid of the thought that he was regretting his time with me.

His words remained soothing and his heart remained glad, but I felt something tugging at the back of him mind. I knew there was something plaguing him that he could not ignore. If only I could move. If only I could say something to him. I would tell him that it is fine to leave me, to sort through things. An hour or a few would not kill me.

Of course, I did not know that I would feel so lost without him when he left earlier in the day, but it happened. I felt like I was so alone. I felt like something was ripped from me and that I would not recover. I was becoming too dependent upon this elf.

How long had it been, days, weeks, since I had been happy? I could barely feel my own heart beating at times. It seemed hopeless to try to remain here. I wanted only to die. But on those days Legolas was there more than usual. He focused on me, he told me wild stories as though he sensed my heart failing and was trying to cheer me into a better mood. It was strange but very comforting.

I wanted, sometimes, to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted, sometimes to let him touch me. But those ‘sometimes’ were rare, and when I did not think of Elladan. The despair weighed heavily on my heart, but oddly, it felt better than it did. I did not feel like the world was lost. I felt like only I was lost, sometimes many others, but mostly only me. I did not care so much that the world was a terrifying and heartless place that did not care for one or do anything to alter the course of destiny itself. I did not think so much about the hopelessness of life. I simply thought of how I would have loved to have a much better and full life than I had.

Sometimes, I even wanted to focus my eyes and look upon the man who was rescuing me, who had rescued me before. I knew what was happening, but until recently, I did not care about fading and being forever lost. Suddenly, I felt like it would be a terrible thing to waste my immortality on sorrow and fading. Sometimes, I wished it was over and done with, but I often felt myself happier, less brooding. I felt a little more willing to stay in the world.

Days later, I felt Legolas kiss me, and I heard something I wish I could have asked him to repeat. It sounded very familiar. It sounded like what Haldir often told his bride-to-be, it sounded like what my parents whispered to each other, it sounded like Elladan’s confession to me before the light vanished from his body.

“I love you, Merewen.”