Fragile Tension (Alan Wilder x Martin Gore)

14: The Redemption

A month and a half later, October 1986:

In a wide, open space that was their child's bedroom, Martin rocked himself back and forth in the rocking chair, his lyric book balancing on his bump.

Unbeknownst to him was Alan watching him as he folded their laundry.

"Whatcha up to, my love?" He asked, carrying the laundry basket into the room and taking out a onesie from inside.

"Trying to clear my mind," Martin replied, still gazing out the window. "And write some lyrics."

"Ahh, I see." Alan nodded, folding the onesie and placing it into the drawer. "Had any luck yet?"

Martin was about to respond when he felt the baby kick and, as a result, kicking his book off of him.

"Did you see that?"

"See what?" Alan's attention had been drawn elsewhere.

"Never mind," Martin giggled, picking the book back up. "Anyway, yeah, I have had some luck. What do you think of the title 'Never Let Me Down Again'?"

"Ooh, I love it already."
~~~~~
As the day progressed, Martin remained in the same spot, thinking of and jotting down lyrics. But in a matter of hours, a mental barrier formed and he could no longer think of how to add to the impending song.

His hand aching from writing, he placed his pen down and huffed, gently rubbing his stomach. The paper crinkling, he reviewed the lyrics in which he had written.

Some of which held a much deeper meaning.

'Promises me I'm as safe as houses
As long as I remember who's wearing the trousers
I hope he never lets me down again'

As safe as houses, Martin realised he did not quite feel. He felt awkward and anxious in the body that no longer felt or looked like his own. As his pregnancy dragged on, he feared judgement. He feared change. He feared his son or daughter would not love him. He feared the worst.

Unable to contain his emotions, he let out an aggressive sob.

Alan heard him crying right away, and stopped everything in which he was doing.

"Oookay," He quickly burst into the room. "What's going on, baby?"

"Just so s-scared," Martin snuffled as he blew his nose. "I am so scared."

Alan rubbed his partner's knee, the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to understand the way he felt no matter how hard he tried to paining him.

"What is it you're scared of, baby?" He sighed.

"I can't keep promises. Nine months ago I promised that I would love our baby unconditionally; what if, come a month's time, I'm incapable of keeping that promise? What if I can't love our baby to the full potential of loving? And what if the opposite happens and I love them to the point of being over-protective?"

"You just have to love them as much as you're able to. Until you can't anymore." Alan replied, passing him another tissue.

"I don't want to affect them negatively as they grow on the inside and the outside. Being pregnant has been so hard. I don't feel like myself anymore. And that makes me guilty."

"Don't be guilty, baby. Pregnancy isn't meant to be easy; everyone has different experiences with it, but you have to be able to value your strength and abilities for getting through this. You have to promise to yourself and yourself only that you will believe in yourself. You're doing beautiful things, Martin. You're sculpturing life. In a few short weeks, you're going to give life to our child. That's incredible."

"It's just been a huge mountain to climb, that's all."

"Yeah, and you're getting to the top, baby. Please, promise me that you'll promise to yourself that you are a hard-working, admirable human being and you'll continue to be until the end of time."

"I promise."
~~~~~
To calm Martin's anxiety, Alan decided to take him out on a walk, so that he could breathe in the fresh air and take some time to gather his thoughts.

The promising thoughts.

It was a mild October afternoon; the weather was overcast with a hint of sunshine peeking beyond the clouds, in its typical British manner.

"What are you thinking about right now?" Alan asked as their arms swung.

"How much I love you." Came Martin's reply.

"I'm thinking about that too." Alan brought him into a short kiss, placing his hand on Martin's stomach as he did so. "Both of you."

*Kick*

"I know you can hear me, little one."

"They're going mental!" Martin laughed.

"It's because they love seeing their parents so happy together." Alan pecked Martin's lips again.

"Well, we'll be even happier when they're here with us." He replied. "Did you hear that, monkey?"

*Jab*

"Thought so!" He winced. "That was right to the ribs too..."
~~~~~
As the build-up of a storm brewed in the sky, the couple made their way back to their flat. A sense of serenity surrounded them as they locked the door and closed the blinds.

Just the two of them.

Relaxing their minds further, they cuddled on the sofa, immersed in a television show. When Alan remembered something.

Something with sweet intentions.

"Oh, love, I have something to show you." He reached for the remote control, pausing the show.

"You do?" Martin raised one eyebrow, sitting up.

"I do indeed," Alan got up and quickly found himself at the threshold of the room. "I'll be right back."

His exit gave Martin some time to wonder what the so-called 'something' could be. A gift? An offer of some kind?

Before he could question it any more, his partner returned with his hands behind his back, clearly hiding something from him.

"Are you ready?" Alan gave a pearly smile.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Martin giggled back.

From behind him, Alan brought out a small leather jacket, the sizing perfect for that of a newborn baby.

"Oh my goodness, Al-"

"I figured we're always wearing them, so our baby can follow in our footsteps!"

"It's so teeny weeny!" Martin stood up to get a closer look at the clothing item. "It's absolutely adorable. You always have a trick up your sleeve, love." He giggled in stitches, feeling the fabric.

"I can't wait to dress them in it in five weeks. They'll be the coolest looking newborn there ever was!"

"They really, really will, thanks to their clever daddy."

Only five weeks still stood until they became parents, and they felt ready for it all. All had been redeemed.