Holden Steele's Ruin [Completed]

Chapter 29

My palms grew clammy as he led me through hallway and back to the basement. I was barely containing myself from ripping my hand from his, the thought of getting back to my mother being the only thing keeping me actually from doing it.

I sucked my throbbing stomach in, trying to lessen the friction the material of the shirt was causing with every stride. My teeth were clenched tightly in a flailed attempt of lessening my pain. I didn't dare make a sound though, too scared it might displease Xander.

"I'll get you something for the pain" he said, a concerned look glazing over his features "lie down so your not straining yourself too much"

The concern he was showing did not comfort in any way, it might just be the calm before the storm. Xander steered me towards the metallic bed, waiting by its foot while I settled before leaving to get the medicine. The rigidness of my shoulders immediately decreased at the lack of his presence as I drugged in a deep breath.

With my back to the matters I glared at the small window above the washing machine, wishing it would suddenly expand.

As much as I hated to admit it the chances of me escaping were slim and considering the fact that I was injured, it was practically impossible. If this had been occurring two years ago, I wouldn't put much of an effort at escaping. Back then it didn't really matter if I was dead, but I had matured and learnt that the decisions I make affects others.

My eyes trailed towards my left wrist, where the permanent reminder of my selfishness scared against the skin. It was around the time I had started seeing Dr Jones, a few months after Xander tried to force himself on me. Everything had become overwhelming, the nightmares had come back and they weren't only about Blake but Xander too. So when I decided to slit my wrist I thought it would be an easy escape. I didn't consider how my mother would react to coming home to her daughter bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

She was extremely devastated and even after I was discharged from the hospital she had still been shaken up. Its something I'm embarrassed I even did and I would never forget the amount of pain I caused my mother.

My defence wall immediately came back up at the creaking of the door as my eyes snapped to the direction of the sound. His disheveled form materialized at the end of the steps, a first aid kit in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

"This will help with the pain" he said after setting the kit at my feet, retrieving two painkillers.

I hesitantly reached for the pills. Plucking them from his palm using my forefinger and thumb, making sure not to make physical contact with him. I greedily gulped the glass of water, using it to wash the pills down my throat. It was only when I had completely drained the glass that I realised just how perched I was.

Cold fingers danced on the heated skin of my abdomen, causing my grip on the glass to tighten while I  scrambled towards the wall. I held the glass to my chest as I warily stared at Xander.

"I just want to clean up your wound" he pointed to the first aid kit "I promise It wont hurt too much" his words came out soft, like he was pacifying a child.

I gulped largely before moving slightly towards him, my eye training on him to make sure he didn't have an ulterior motive. I watched closely as he cut a piece of cotton, dipping it into clear liquid before moving it towards me. At first my skin burnt even worse at the contact with the liquid before it simmered into numbness. Once he was done I quickly covered myself, I was thankful for the lack of pain but it didn't mean I was dropping my defence. 

"Your so beautiful" he said while placing a palm on my cheek, the action took me by surprise. So when I flinched my face away from him, it wasn't a conscious decision.

"Are you scared of me?" His voice hardened in anger while his nose flared.

I timidly shook my head, hopping he would believe me.

"I would never hurt you...I love you" he seemed agitated, his hand roughly slapping the open space on the mattress. I nodded wordlessly even though my head was currently spinning in confusion, wanting to appease him.

Why had he said he loved me?

"Good" a smile slipped back to his face as the frown lines on his forehead disappeared. The quick change of emotions led me to believe that his mental state had worsened during the past years. It was like he wasn't the same person.

"I missed you while you were gone" Xander said while his eyes rested back on my face, this time I didn't flinch. I bit at the flesh inside my cheek while forcing my displeasure down my throat, once again disregarding my confusion while forcing a painful smile on my lips "didn't you miss me?"

"I- I did"

He must have liked my answer, his grin stretching before he placed a disgusting kiss on my forehead.

"I'll let you sleep, it will help you heal much faster"

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding once I heard the door close behind him. The painkillers had kicked in, easing the ache between my ears and giving me slight clarity. However, it didn't matter how I looked at the room. With a throbbing headache or not it was still the same, empty with no hope of escaping. The window was still too small, the lone washing machine still pushed against the wall and the bed still screwed to the floor.

It was like my own personal prison.

I was edging towards giving up, the thought of my mother springing back to mind once again. The memories of her crying on the living room floor, surrounded by beer bottles immediately erasing the thought. Every year on Blake's anniversary, she would pretend to be okay throughout the whole day. She would check up on me and just be there whenever I crumbled, but when she thought I had fallen asleep she would too.

She had told me not to blame myself for what was happened but she blamed herself too, I know it. This didn't make her a hypocrite it just made her human and I know if something were to happen to me too she would find a way to blame herself. I wasn't about to let that happen.

Even though I was exhausted and I dire need of sleep, I tossed and turned in the small bed. I had a lot on my mind. For instance, the unstable way Xander had looked and acted. I had close to know knowledge on psychology but I had gotten my fare share of therapists. Xander wasn't mentally stable, I could see it from the way his eyes glazed over and the rapid change of mood he had portrayed. Not to mention he said he loved me when the last time I saw him he threatened to kill me.

I only managed top draw a blank, confusion still swirling in my head as I cursed at the unfair situation.

I let myself think back to the slight moment of normality I had at the university. I thought about Avery, she was the first friend I had made in a long while and I like our friendship. It was short lived though, just like Holden and I.

The only other person I had experienced normality with was Holden, it had been short but he had become important to me. The frustration I had felt towards him fleeted as longing replaced it. He was a guarded person but so was I. It didn't matter how much or how little I knew about him, my heart would still jump at the lightest touch from him.

I thought back to our argument with deep regret, I should have been able to tell him but I was scared. I was scared of his reaction, that he would leave once he found out just how damaged I was. I had ruined a good thing even before it started and I didn't want it to be the last thing I remembered about him.

My eyes traveled back to the moldy ceiling as I thought back to our first encounter in the lady's bathroom. Trying to remember every detail in order to keep my mind off my current predicament.

That night I lay on the bed wishing for a knit in shining armor to come to my rescuer, just because Prince charming was overrated. Then I'd be the cliche damsel in distress and Xander could be the predictable Disney villain.

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