"What if I want to find a boy?" ✓

"Lost control"

After the "Paris date" I didn't talk to him. I just... wasn't able to. Moreover he clearly said that we can't be together if I'm into Jace. So what was my purpouse then? Oh, I know. I wanted to go home instead of sitting with him in Paris. I knew that my behavior was childish but I literally had a tears in my eyes. Really. It was painful "We can't be together". I needed Magnus by my side. I needed Magnus Bane.
"It became awkward we should probably...just go home"- he said and tried to smile.
"No. I don't want it to looks like that. I need you"-I prayed that he would not see my tears.
"Alexander, please don't make this moment harder."- he didn't even look at me.
"Hey, Hey! Look at me"- I panicked.
"I told you we should go home"- he started drawing portal and I lost control. I remember my every move. My fist on Magnus's face, my screams ... I remember him grabbing me halfway down to calm me down. I wasn't able to control my moves. It was the first time I was in such despair.
"JUST LOOK AT ME, MAGNUS! LET ME BE WITH YOU"- my screams were horrible. I remember that I fell to my knees and his face was in front of me. I wanted to massacre her. I felt like a demon that wants something.
"Alec, Alec, stop. Stop. Calm down."- I 'woke up' and I realized what I was doing to Magnus. I saw a bruise on his cheek- "Are you okay?"- he asked me.
"Yes but...oh my god! Did I punch you?!"- I looked at my hands in disgust.
"Don't blame yourself"- he took my hands gently- "That's okay. Everything is gonna be okay, Alexander"
"I lost control. I've never used violence to such a things. You were right. We cannot be together. I don't deserve you."
"No,no,no of course you do. I made a mistake. We made a mistake. We just need to be wiser in the future."
"We? What do you mean?"- I felt hope again.
"As friends. Maybe best friends. Nothnig more. We can't be more than friends. We're not matching. I'm sorry"- in that moment I gave up.
"Then let's go home. Paris is not a place for US anymore."- I was angry.
"Uh, good point"- he wasn't happy, not at all. Anyway he's gonna be okay. He's a High Warlock of Brooklyn. He has to be okay. When I came to the Institute I felt like a piece of shit. "Fuck it"- I thought- "I need to forget about Magnus fucking Bane". I left as soon as I came.
I didn't know where to go so I was just walking around the city when I found a perfect place. It was a party club- "Magnus would love here"- again I started thinking about him. It was very hard to forget.
I noticed that he's better than me. He had many lovers. He has amazing apartment. He's confidence, smart, handsome. He has a style.
And he's magical. What about me? I'm a normal Shadowhunter, without lovely house. What's more I'm not super handsome. Maybe I might be cute- nothnig more. Okay. I'm the Head of the Institute. But am I a good Boss if I can't handle my own love problems? Definitely no. I'll resignate tomorrow. Jace will be better Boss, he's gonna rule with Clary... I don't deserve it. I'm a trash.
"Have I the courage to change today?"- I heard song. Well, it was Sia and her song called "Courage to change". Don't Ask how I knew it. Magnus is a hugeeee fan. I came into a lub and I tried to dance. I drunk a glass of wine. And I started dancing again. Then I felt somebodys' hand on my body. It was a vampire. Very hot guy by the way.
"I see that you're very sad. Wanna dance?"- he asked me and his white fangs flashed.
"With pleasure"- I answered.
After a moment we started kissing. I was drowning in kisses, however Magnus was still in my head. The vampire bite my ear.
"I know how to make you feel better"- he rolled up the sleeve of my shirt- "One bite and we'll both feel better. You'll give me blood I'll give you... yin fen."
"Wait what?"- I knew what it is - dangerous drug, contained in vampire venom. However I wasn't able to think clearly.
"You'll see... Don't worry"- he convinced me.
"Okay"
His fangs sank into my wrist and I felt a terrifying pain as I looked around the crowd. I passed out, the vampire drank too much of my blood and wouldn't stop. When I fell down, the last thing I saw was Magnus' hair.

I don't remember what happened after that. All I know is that I woke up in his room. Magnus's room.
"Oh, I see you're awake. Brilliant"- he immediately found himself next to 'my' bed with some drink.
"What is it?"- I asked.
"Don't worry. It's not yin fen. It's an antidote.
I won't give you drugs. I may not be as handsome as that vampire, but I won't lie to you as he did..."- Magnus tried to be nice.
"Please stop. I didn't know what he'll do. Thanks for help. Can you take me to the Institute? I'm healthy"- I wasn't. I felt horrible- "Oh, I know! Let me draw myself an Iratze..."
"You don't know? Iratze will not help you with yin fen in your veins."- he laughed.
"I gotta go"- I said.
"How? You're not able to stand up."- when he said that i tried to stand up and I fell-
"Wow,wow,wow calm down. Let me help you..."-he caught me so ineptly that I fell into his arms.
"Don't touch me this way. We're F R I E N D S"- I told him but I liked the way he touched me. He's always so gentle.
"Yeah sure, I don't need a reminder"- a master of a sharp retort.
He gave me some soup- it was delicious.
"Did you conjure up this chicken soup?"- I asked.
"Actually, no. I made it by myself. I'm glad you like it."- it was so nice...
"I don't understand all the time why you are so good to me. after I beat you... I thought you'll never forgive me"- I wanted to add 'I love you' but he clearly said that we're not matching.
"Alexander, it's because I thought I lost you. I need you in my life"- he leaned over me and I felt my heart beating faster.I kissed him- hard, feeling ... his lips were wonderful and I felt safe.
"Magnus I love you. I can't be just friends with you. I tried to forget about our relationship. I tried to forget about you. However I wasn't able to."- I cried.
"Alec. Alexander. I made a mistake. I love you too"- this words made me calm...And I thought that everything is gonna be okay. But the pain came back, it felt like a party. I felt my nose bleed. It was scary. I screamed.
"What's happening?"-Magnus was afraid just like me- "I'll help you. I have to. Everything's gonna be okay"-he repeated it in a circle and I was still losing blood.

I dedicate this chapter to Amatis (Malecfan264)
I wanted to thank you for our collab and I Hope our next chaptes are going to be better and better ✨
You're amazing friend btw❤️