hold me

chapter six - Louis

"I think I'm not allowed to see you anymore."

It felt like my heart had broke into a million pieces. I had finally started to talk to him again and now it was over? There had to be something I could do.

I looked Harry in the eyes and walked towards him. I had to say something. "We'll be alright, I promise," I stuttered.  I could see tears forming in his eyes. I hated to see him like this and in my mind the words

kiss him. kiss him. kiss him.

echoed. So I did. I kissed him like there was no tomorrow. My hands moved around his soft and warm body until I placed my right hand onto his glowing chest. His mouth tasted like peppermint toothpaste and was a little salty. Suddenly he pulled away and looked into my eyes. His face was red and puffy but he looked just as beautiful as ever.

With a faint smile I whispered, "I missed you so much." I had. I had missed everything about him.

"I know," Harry answered with a slight quiver in his voice.

It hurt me, so I kissed him again. This time we kissed softly and with love. I placed my arms around his neck and stood on my tiptoes while his hands were holding my hips firmly. It felt like fireworks were exploding in my stomach and there was a warm glow around my heart.

Then I was the one to pull away. I didn't want to but a hug felt a little more appropriate. I wrapped my arms around his neck again and let my head rest on his wide shoulders.  I could feel his hands resting on my back. It was almost better than kissing him. almost.

***

"Bye Haz," I yelped as Harry stepped into his uber.

"Bye bye, Lou"

I winked as he drove away and started walking towards my house. When I opened the big wood door I could see that light was shining through the windows and it gave the entire house a welcoming feeling. I laid down on my couch and took a deep breath. The sheets smelled like lavender, like Harry.

Slowly I turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I could feel my chest raise and fall with every breath I took. I seemed so peaceful but I wasn't. I wanted to rage. I didn't deserve this, all I wanted is someone to love.

I always destroy everything, why did I ever sign that stupid contract.

That sentence rung in my head over and over again and suddenly I felt something warm roll down my cheek. I was crying. When I noticed that I could feel more tears bubbling up. Quickly I wiped the tears away and sat up. I didn't want to go down this road again. So I stood up and decided to go for a stroll.

***

The cold air made my body shiver so I wrapped the black coat tighter around me. The trees already had lost all their leaves and the sky was filled with grey clouds. A few houses already had Christmas decorations which lightened my mood a bit. Suddenly I felt something cold on my nose. A snowflake. It was starting to snow. I smiled and a sudden burst of joy filled my body.

Snowflakes started to gather in my hair making my scalp feel cold. I pulled a grey beanie out of my pocket and pulled it over my ears and head and looked up at the sky. Millions of small snowflakes were falling from the sky, quietly settling on the ground.

I turned around and started to walk back to my house. Letting my eyes wander. I ended up watching a little family of three. Two women and a kid. They looked so happy. Holding hands, laughing and kissing. What I would do to have that.

At my house I pulled of my vans and trotted into my bedroom. I fell onto the bed and let the warmth surround me. When I looked out the window I noticed that there was already a thin sheet of snow covering everything. Children were running outside, catching snowflakes on their tongues, laughing and throwing snowballs at each other while their parents talked.

With that image in my mind I fell asleep.

***

I woke up to Clifford barking. I loved that dog with all my heart but he was so loud.

"Come here boy," I said in my high-pitched dog voice and I could hear his little dog paws running towards me.

"What is it huh? What's startling you huh?" He just answered with a little yawn and laid down beside me. I stroked him for a while and gave him a big smooch on the head when my doorbell rung. I practically ran to the door while pulling a t-shirt over my head. Then I opened the door.

"'Ello, how can I help you?" A lady was standing in front of me. She had curly brown hair and green eyes but I still liked Harry's better. Her skin was tanned and I could see lot's of freckles on her cheeks which made her pink lips look very appealing.

"I'm Jenny, didn't Simon tell you yet?" Her voice was soft and she smelled like roses.

"I don't know anything," I answered and she could clearly hear the fear in my voice because she embraced me in a hug.

"I'm your new girlfriend."

"What?" I hadn't understood her right.

"Well not your girlfriend, just your new beard."

My heart crumbled for the third time in a few hours. How was this happening? I had to tell Harry. I offered her to come inside and started to look for my phone.

"What are you looking for?" she asked, her voice was so soft.

"Mh, just my phone"

She then grabbed my wrist, looked me deep into the eyes and said, "You can't tell Harry. Simon will end his carrier. I know this is horrible but neither of us have a choice."

The world stopped. "I'm just going to go to the restroom for a sec," I mumbled and trotted into the bathroom.

As soon as I shut the door behind me I fell to the floor. Tears gushing out of my eyes and quiet whimpers escaping my lips. It felt like someone had sliced my heart with a dagger. I tried to hush myself so Jenny wouldn't hear me but soon I could hear knocks on the door.

"Hey, is everything okay in there?"

"Everything is fine," I hiccupped. She obviously didn't believe me, "Let me in Louis, how about we talk about it?"

I stood up and trembled to the door. With a "klick" I opened it and saw her face. I wasn't good at reading people but even I noticed the apologetic expression on her face. "I'm sorry, it's not even your fault." I mumbled.

"No, I am sorry. This is so messed up. I wish I could help you." she said with a crooked smile.

***

Jenny was okay. In a friend way. She was funny and she was a good listener and a lot better then Eleanor. The only really painful thing was blocking Harry everywhere. I wanted to call him and tell him everything but I knew Simon would destroy him if I did it. 

Just by thinking about his beautiful face I could feel the tears forming and my throat started to thicken until I could barely swallow. Quickly I blinked the tears away.

Jenny immediately noticed and asked "Do you want to hear something about me?" I nodded. She leaned in and whispered in my ear,

"I'm actually a Lesbian." I chocked on my water.

"So we are beards for each other?" I laughed.

"Yeah, you have been my gay icon ever since I was 15" she chuckled.