Learning Purpose [Unus Annus Fanfiction]

Part 2- Confusion and Understanding

Pic Credit: https://miniatureinternetsalad.tumblr.com/post/189155678706/unus-annus-memento-mori-just-some-fanart-i

(Here is part 2 to this story! I don't have anything better to do in quarantine, so I just write a lot. I hope you enjoy, and remember: this is a story that just happens to use people from real life. This is in no way a reflection of anyone I mention in this story, and should not be taken for real life. The trigger warnings from the previous part apply here again as well, and will apply in the rest of the chapters, so if you are sensitive to death, suicide, or bullying (or similar topics) then I highly recommend leaving and not reading this story. Thanks again and enjoy!)

-Ethan

My brain basically splits into two sides.

One side is scared, that now I know I have a specific amount of time and that time will be gone faster than anything I've ever experienced.

The other side is disappointed. Now I know I have to endure life for another year before it really is my time. I don't know if I can handle it for much longer, hence why I am on this bridge now.

The two sides arguing becomes louder than real life, and I am soon deafened against the muddled thoughts in my own head.

However, no voice inside my mind argues about if what Mark said is a lie.

The minute I processed the information, I practically knew. It made sense to me, for some reason.

And looking at him, I can tell he's faced with the same dilemma. The inevitable feeling that everything is true, but not wanting to believe it for even a minute.

In my utter confusion, my hands start to shake and I feel tears well up in my eyes. It's like an overflow of information.

No man is supposed to know when they die, so why should I?

Mark looks up at me and seems to realize his mistake, because he comes closer.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It just came to me-"

"It's okay." I say, wondering if that is the truth or not. I can practically feel Mark analyzing me as I stare off into space and try to sort out my cluttered thoughts.

"But you understand." He says, more as a statement than a question. He looks me dead in the eyes and seems to analyze my every move before averting back towards the ground. "We both do."

When I feel my mind clear a bit, I look out over the bridge. I can imagine myself sitting on that ledge still, then slipping off into the cold abyss of the creek, peacefully. It could still happen, but for some odd reason I doubt it. It's not my time.

I look away, because the thoughts of a peaceful suicide that could have just occurred are pushed away by the fact that I did almost kill myself. If it hadn't been for Mark, I would be in the same void he is in now. Or maybe, there wouldn't be a void for me. Maybe I would never wake up; just fade into a distant memory.

That thought scares me more than before.

It's like I can see a different person on that bridge struggling with the same conflicting mind I had had. I don't hold their thoughts anymore.

Reality sets in, hard. I place a hand on the cold railing again, and this time I cannot stop the overflowing thoughts of "what if" and "why".

It's like I can't contain it.

"Holy shit!" I say, kind of loud. The tears come more freely now, and I look around to make sure no one else is near.

I almost just killed myself. I have a reason to cry.