Stuck | Harry Styles Fan Fiction

Chapter 1 - It takes time

"11:11 I wish it never happened. 11:11 I wish I could turn back time. 11:11 I wish I was the one to go. Rather it be me. 11:11 doesn't work. Why do I keep trying."

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"Are you okay?" He peeked through the door. I kept my eyes on the floor.

"You're still devestated." He pointed out straight away and walked over and took the seat next to me on my unmade bed. It had been in the same state for a month. The madress on my side rose up when he jumped down on the other. I sat quiet, I didn't feel like replying really. I think he understood, because he didn't ask any further questions. He simply rubbed my back in an attempt to comfort. It felt good. He knew.

"You know, some days I feel like I should just move on. Get it over with. Let it go and keep living the life I made up for myself. It took some hard work to build up you know? Then something similar to a title wave hits me in the face and I just feel, I don't want to."

"One of these days you will start to. You can't get over things like this that easy. It takes time. People talk about letting go, like it's something you do just snap like that. But I think it's like pulling the petals of a flower while mouthing 'Love me, love me not'. It's something you do in steps."

I could tell this was hard on him too. But I couldn't bare myself to swap roles and be the comforter. Not today, not tomorrow, probably not for the coming weeks. Or months. I knew very well everybody hurt, but it teared by far the most on me.

"I don't know..." I sighed and got up from the bed to look out the window instead. The sight of a dusty wooden floor with cracks in all the right places got kind of boring after staring down at for an hour. That's all I've done since I woke up this morning. Another morning without...

I couldn't even say the name out loud anymore. It hurt too bad. Once there was a time when I overused that name just because it rolled of my tounge so easily. I loved it, I said it even when I didn't have to, just because I could. But now.

"Do you want breakfast?"

"No."

"Same as usual." He mumbled. Without furter discussion he left the room. He knew very well I wasn't the person who could be convinced when I had set my mind on something. Usually I would feel bad, but I did't feel anything at all. I dissapointed him again, same as always. Every day since the new year started. It's February now.

I stayed by the window and glared at the busy traffic. A school bus filled with youngsters stopped for a while at the traffic light and I was able to catch a good glimpse of all the happy faces sat the worn bus seats. The kids sat in pairs and everyone seemed to be in a lively discussion with their seat partner. Tuesday morning and everyone was going into work at the same time. I guess it was just their every day lives. Some of them struggled, some of them didn't have a worry in the whole wide world. I envied those kind of people. I could never be one of them anymore. Chances ruined. Damn.

I had lost my appetite completely but I still went hungry all the time. It was like a vicious circle. I hadn't eaten for days. In reality I was starving but my head told me that if I are something I wouldn't be able to hold it down, so there was no point. I returned to my bed, the only sort of happy place I still had. If it even qualified as a happy place. Maybe it was just not the same sort of hell as everywhere else. I crawled under the covers and pulled them up to my chin. I missed the feeling of it being the two of us cuddeling so close together our eyelashes touched, otherwise we weren't able to fit into the one man bed. When I saw the book on the night stand I scrunchred my face and wished for it to dissappear on the count of three. When I opened my eyes it was still there. With a fast motion I knocked it over so it fell down behind, so I couldn't see it. I curled up into a ball in an attempt to make the hunger go away. It's worked to about 20 %. Still hungry. Still sad. Still broken.