But To Live Does Not Mean You're Alive (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Five

Reminiscing the past, it did not make me down anymore. It made wondered. Sadness has always been my daily bread. People said that happiness is a choice, you could always care less.

It may sound a piece of cake but accomplishing it requires formidable measures. I mean, we exist in reality and there is little or no way of escaping it, unless of course If you would cross the borders of sanity.

I have been told that everything about me is an act. An act to seek attention. Hurtful to hear because it is not.

I wished I could tell each one of them how I feel about. But for all I know no one would listen. Sometimes I just do not seem to connect with people’s logic. It seems that when you’re different from everyone else, immediately, you must be craving for something. Automatically, you would be labelled “seeker”.

But what about the term “deprived”? Has anyone tried considering it?

I wished there was somehow a way to remove parts of your memory in particular. Maybe in that way, I would not have to feel miserable each day. I could imagine the huge difference would it make if happiness is the sole thing owning your life.

That must be amazing. I mentally sighed, knowing that the thought would always leave me wondering. Wondering. Because in reality it would could never happen. Life does not work that way. There should be balance as they say. Right, balance. I sighed, a heavy one.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room; complete silence invaded all corners of the house. Two hours past since I put up dinner, but dad did not make it home yet. It was almost nine. He rarely comes how late.

He consumes his alcohols at home while enjoying sports. He never does over-time at work, unless if necessary of course. I was beginning to worry for him. What if something happened? I pinched myself; I punished myself for thinking such awful thing. Dad will be here any minute.

My thinking was interrupted by the growling of my stomach. I was hungry. I wanted to eat as well, but I was supposed to wait up after dad. If I would eat up, that would mean breaking his words, that’s not good.

Dad would be upset; it is not a good thing. My mind convinced my stomach to hold still, this could not be long. He will be here soon. But sadly, my stomach had its fixed stance. I went to get a glass of water.

It is amazing how dad never runs out of beer on the fridge. In fact, beer bottles and cans consumed more space than food in the fridge. The water did not work this time. I must be more than hungry. The growling became increasingly tempting.

Then I gave in. I dashed to the table and got myself dinner, I devoured it quickly, but making sure I would not choke in the process. I am sincerely sorry Dad, I had to. I did not mean to disobey your rules. The feeling was half bad, half good.

After cleaning off the dishes, I glance at the clock. Fifteen minutes past nine.

Maybe dad had to do some errands. He is not the type of person who wastes his time over unimportant things for himself. The reason must be urgent.