i knew ghosting people was wrong but it felt good, to escape from the real world. this wasn't unusual as i often did this. i would ghost everyone till i was somewhat happy which lasted for a day or two before i went back offline.
i open my snapchat going through my memories looking for the specific video, the one vinnie made me a while back; the first time i did this. i hesitate playing the video,
"hi my love, i know you've been having a tough time lately and i know you're in pain. but just remember i'm always here, whether i'm doing a stream or it's 4 in the morning, im here. don't ever hesitate to ask for my help baby. i love you so much."
i sniffle wiping the tears, i didn't deserve him at all. my phone rings and it's my friend: she had been none stop calling me and i had to make the excuse up that i was sick. i wasn't interested in human interaction but they didn't understand.
i wished they would, i wish they would understand that when im laughing or smiling its all fake, i wish they understood why i wasn't eating, and why i was picky with foods, i wish they understood everything that i was going through.
i click the home screen hesitating to call vinnie. my finger clicked it by accident and before i could cancel vinnie answered. "hi baby how're you feeling?" he asked with relief that i was somewhat alive? i tried to hold my sob in but i could, it came out, then they all did. he sighed, "guys i really gotta go but i'll stream tomorrow maybe" vinnie said quickly before whispering comfort words to me.
"don't worry my love, your okay" he said and i heard his car engine turn on, i sniffle taking a deep breath. "i'm coming baby i'm coming" he says and i nod before realizing he couldn't see me, i then realized he was gonna blade me like this, all broken. i didn't want that, i never wanted anyone to worry about me and if he saw me like this he would be scarred. he would never see me the same so i started panicking and i soon broke into a panic attack.
"baby are you okay?" he asks getting more worried, "i'm fine don't come over" i say hanging the phone up, i grab my meds and throw two in my mouth taking a sip of the now warm water. i plop myself back in bed and hug the stegosaurs stuffed toy vinnie gave me on our 1 month.
✿❀✿
the broken girls' apartment door opens just as she falls asleep, her exhausted boyfriend enters taking a look at the clean home? he raises a brow walking towards her door which was half open, the purple led lights being the only light lighting the apartment up. he walks in seeing a mess. in one corner was a big pile of clothes, while in the corner of her room where her food bar was, there was a large garbage bag of trash.
no matter how mentally drained she was she wasn't gonna risk getting bugs in her apartment, vinnie looked at his girlfriend who was laying under the very many blankets, he quietly grabbed the the garage bag taking it to the front door, he leaned it against the door before taking the large hamper full of clothes and taking it to her in unit laundry room. he sorted them by colours, doing the coloured ones first leaving the whites in the hamper by the washer.
he then made his way to his girlfriend, and slowly laid beside her taking her into his embrace, she melted at his touch, he played with her lightly beach wavy hair lightly brushing through it with his hands, getting all the knots out.
she stirred in her sleep confused as there were two large arms wrapped around her, she looks up to see her boyfriend smiling down at her. "hi vin" she whispers slowly wrapping her arms around him.
"oh baby, we're gonna talk latter but for now let's just rest" he says and she nods burying her head into his chest. maybe this human she didn't mind interaction with.
she knew later when they eventually had to talk her emotions would get the best of her and show themselves, now normally she would hate that and want to hide herself after it but with vinnie she felt free. like the voices that were telling her to kill herself were gone. the urgent threats of wanting to kill herself would leave her mine.
she wanted this to stay. she wanted him to stay. but little did she know, that was his goal; to marry the love of his life, have kids and grow old together. he knew who that girl would be. and it was her.
authors note so i've wanted to write one of these for a while and i felt it was time when this is how i was feeling. writing this was easy because i literally wrote down how i was feeling and add vinnie to it. i'm fine and trying to do better. tysm for all the love and support everyone has given me.
i would like those who are suffering with depression like i am to know im here. my dms,pms and snap messages are ALWAYS open. here are some numbers to call if you need help! i want you to know you're worth everything and so much is coming, just be patient loves.
so much love,
-mal. </3
some help numbers!
american suicide hotline:1-800-273-8255
canadian suicide hotline:833-456-4566
( if i didn't include your country please feel free to drop the numbers in the comments! )
