4 Roommates

I Just Don't Know

A/N so I've been having some genderfluid feelings and needed to type them out and now here we are. Some days I love being genderfluid, but there are days where I do not. This chapter describes one of those days

Ollie was having a decidedly not awesome day. It started off normally, with breakfast and a hug. The hug was from Emma who accompanied it by asking for Ollies' pronouns that day. This is when the not awesomeness of the day became apparent, while mentally skimming through pronoun options to see which one felt right Ollie didn't think any of them did.

"Oh um, I'm not sure yet sorry", responded Ollie.

"That's okay, just let me know if you figure out" responds Emma and then kisses Ollie on the head on her way to make herself coffee.

Ollie gets up and goes to try to pick out clothes for work that day, and switches what's been chosen five times before deciding on something neutral, but nice enough for work. Ollie spends the shower trying to figure out what pronouns fit the best that day but ends up being frustrated and still not fitting any.

Work doesn't go any better. All the customers call Ollie she, and a few coworkers call Ollie he, but Joseph, Ollies work buddy, asks for what pronouns Ollie was using today, so Ollie told him "I don't know, sorry". He said that was okay and used they/them pronouns for Ollie the rest of the shift, but that didn't fit right either. Ollie was frustrated at feeling misgendered, and for not having any pronouns that would not cause that feeling. The work itself is fine and its only a five hour shift that day, but the lingering feeling of weirdness and not being able to fit into any pronouns makes Ollie feel bad all day.

Snuggling up on the big bean bag chair with a blanket, knitting, and music is all Ollie wants to do once arriving at home, but has no such luck. When Ollie walks through the door there is a loud crash and Pickles go running past the door with a strawberry in his mouth.

"Pickles I swear to god you get back here before you get strawberry juice all over the couch!" yells Tyson as he runs after the cat. After catching him and talking away the strawberry he goes back to the kitchen but stops when he sees Ollie. "Oh! Ollie's home!" he yells to the others and then turns and opens his arms for a hug. Ollie turns and returns the hug, breathing in the smell of all the spices Tyson was cooking with today. "Hey honey what pronouns are you using today?" is whispered into Ollie's ear. Usually this question fills Ollie with warmth with the knowledge that people bother to ask, but now it fills Ollie with a feeling of being wrong and broken. "I don't know" says Ollie quietly. Tyson assured his partner that that's okay and kisses Ollies' forehead. They break apart and head into the kitchen to finish up dinner as a group.

Ollie assists Jack in setting the table and they chat about Jacks day and how it went. And then once again there is the question "hey sunshine, do you know your pronouns?"

And this is the last straw. All the frustration and negative feelings come rushing forwards and Ollie goes to answer but all that comes out is a sob with a shake of the head. Instantly Jack wraps Ollie up into his arms. He asks what's wrong but all he gets is more crying. Jack steers his partner over to the couch and catches Emma's eye. He just shakes his head when he sees her questioning look. The two of them sit together on the couch while Ollie cries into Jacks shirt, letting all the frustration and sadness from not knowing one's own identity out. And after that's all out and Ollie calms down, Jack asks what is wrong again. This time he gets a tearful and heartbreaking answer.

"I don't know what pronouns I have today. None of them fit, but they also don't not fit either and I don't know why I can't just fit in one and be happy with it. I'm weird and broken and I should just be able to choose one gender and not have to switch around all the time instead of making so much trouble" Ollie uses Jacks shoulder to hide from his reaction after finishing speaking.

Jack calls Ollies' name and makes sure their eyes meet before saying "Oh Ollie, my sunshine, you are not weird or broken and it is no trouble for us all to ask you for your pronouns. Your pronouns change and that's okay and you deserve the basic respect that it takes for someone to ask for them. I'm sorry that its been a rough day for you and that you've been battling this all day, but we are all here for you and if you don't want any pronouns today then that's perfectly okay. Pronouns aren't necessary and we can easily talk around them okay?"

"You sure?" asks Ollie asks after a moment.

"One hundred percent sure" comes from Emma, who came over with Tyson as soon as they heard Ollie tell Jack what was wrong.

"You are still our lovable bundle of joy, with or without pronouns" says Tyson as he wraps his arm around both Jack and Ollie

Emma joins them on the couch and sits next to Ollie so they can hold hands.

Soon the timer goes off in the kitchen and everyone gets up to get dinner finished and on the table. The four all break into easy conversation, swapping stories about their days and making plans for the weekend coming up. And the weight that has around all day lifts from Ollie as dinner progresses and the love from Ollies' partners fill the house.