The World As It Is ; m.c.

Stand Still.

Heartache

noun

1. emotional anguish or grief, typically caused by the loss or absence of someone loved.

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"I love you," Michael whispered.

My eyes shot open, staring into the darkness. I waited for something to happen, but nothing did. I could barely hear Michael's breathing over the sound of my rapidly beating heart. My mind was replaying the words over and over again in an exhausted craze.

I tried to convince myself that it hadn't happened, that maybe I was hearing things in my despair over Dawn. I'm not particularly good at convincing.

Michael loves me.

I tried to remember how to breathe, in and out, in and out, realizing I was holding my breath. He couldn't know I was awake. He hadn't meant for me to hear him. Had he said that when I was awake, I wouldn't have thought much of it, I would have thought he was either just kidding or saying it playfully like we usually do. But he hadn't, he had said it when he thought I couldn't hear him.

But Michael loves me.

Why was everything happening so suddenly in one day? First there was Dawn, now there's Michael, I swear if my sister runs in here with more emotional news I'm going to cry. I thought back to Dawn and how all of this had started with one simple, goddamn phone call.

"Sophia..." Dawn had whispered into the phone."I-I need to tell you..."

"What's happening, Dawn?" I had asked, fear taking over me at the sound of her voice. She sounded scared and I began to worry about what had happened to her.

"I-I'm moving," She stuttered and I felt the pang in my chest as I breathed out, unable to form a coherent thought.

"What?" I asked barely louder than a whisper. "W-When are y-you leaving?"

"I left today," She whispered back in a worried voice, waiting anxiously to hear my reaction.

"You're already gone!" I shouted into the phone, hoping she would tell me this was just one of her sick jokes and that she hadn't left me without saying goodbye. "What do you mean you left today?!"

"I didn't know how to tell you," Dawn said weakly.

"How long have you known that you were leaving?" I asked, trying to calm my voice. This wasn't happening, she hadn't left me without saying goodbye. She couldn't have. She had promised me forever.

"I've known for the past year..." She whispered, her voice trembling as if she was crying.

"And you never told me?" I asked hurt, even though I already knew the depressing answer.

"I'm sorry."

"You left and you never even told me you were leaving," I whispered to myself.

"I didn't know how, Sophia. I didn't want to make things sad right before I moved, I wanted us to still be happy. I wanted to remember you happy," Dawn rushed out, frantically trying to explain her side.

"But it's okay for me to be sad now, because we're not together? Now you don't need me to be happy for you anymore?" I spat, the hurt clear in my voice.

"I'm sorry Sophia." Dawn cried, hanging up on me before I could even say goodbye. I never even got to say goodbye.

I had thrown my phone at my bed at that thought, angry and upset at everything. I turned to my window, wanting to crawl into Michael's arms and have him comfort me like he always had, but he wasn't there I remembered.

He wasn't there either.

I knew that he'd come back, that he wasn't gone like Dawn was. It just made me realize the reality that Dawn was gone, that she'd left me and God, it hurt like hell. I needed Michael and I needed Dawn and right now, neither of them were here for me. I grabbed the ugly blinds that I hated so much and closed them, putting my room in darkness. I wanted to be alone then.

Michael had come back though. I heard him knocking loudly on the window, waking me from the dark place I'd fallen into and back into the place that had light, that had him. I opened the blinds and saw Michael staring at me from his room, he had smiled before his face fell when he saw the mess that I was.

I opened the window with difficulty, Michael helping me before slipping in. All he was wearing were his boxers, but I chose to ignore that. He had quickly wrapped his arms around me, comforting me. I hadn't realized I'd needed comfort this bad. I hadn't realized I needed Michael this bad.

He'd gotten up to get me a glass of water and I panicked at the idea of him leaving me. Even if he was coming back, I still didn't want him to leave. I knew once he was out of my sight that my mind would tell me that he had left me as well and that I was alone in the dark room.

I was still pretending to be asleep now, breathing in and out, in and out.

I didn't know what to think about Michael loving me, but I knew I needed him. Now, more than ever. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind of it, pretend we were in a time before his accidental confession. I decided I just wouldn't think about it, try and forget about it.

I tried to think about anything but Dawn as I fell asleep, about how she'd never told me, how she had left, left me. How she hadn't said goodbye, how I hadn't either.

I didn't think about any of that. I tried to relaxed, trying to think of happier things. I thought about Michael and I talking in our tree when we were younger, talking about everything and anything. I remembered the night we realized we could sneak into each other's room by the window, we'd stayed up late and Michael had eventually fallen asleep on my floor. The day Michael and I had gone downtown alone and gotten horribly lost and about the first day of Junior High when Michael and I had created the games to play when you're bored.

I remembered the winters we spent texting each other all night, because it was too cold to use the windows. I remembered the time when my cat was trying to find herself a mate by peeing everywhere, and more specifically, peeing on my bed. I'd called Michael to help me change my sheets which had quickly turned into making a fort, or as we called it, a heat cave. We had turned on a movie and sat in our fort of blankets and pillows for the rest of the day.

I thought about the time that Michael and I had gone on our first road trip, and we realized neither of us knew how to read a map. I thought about how Michael would kiss my forehead when he hugged me. I thought about that time he told me he loved me when he thought I was sleeping...

Shit.