polaroid angel - dreamnotfound

˖⋆࿐໋₊ 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺-𝘴𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯

it's cold outside. people's faces merge together. yellow taxi cabs fly by. nothing seems to make sense in my head.

in the café on the street corner hungry college students line up. overworked businessmen tap away on their laptops. on the tables are countless cups of coffee, and the occasional bagel or sandwich. i can barely see my reflection in the glass window.

among the city's crowds i'm a nobody. i'm just another human on the go. it feels like i might be crushed by the masses. i'm small, defenceless, and fragile. i wish someone could be here to protect me.

when the lights change i hurry over the street together with everyone else. we're all just ants, scurrying away from work to home, and then back to work again the next day. i'm just a cog in this braindead machine, doing my useless little part.

i strip down to nothing, and i pose for a camera. i pose like an innocent pet, like a little child. and then my pictures get printed in art magazines and posted on simplistic websites for the whole world to see. i don't know what they want them for, or why i'm even doing this in the first place. i never thought too much about it, never questioned it.

isn't it wonderful where naivety can take you?

so so far, to places you never could've imagined. and here i am, still on the train of naivety. but it's fading, and that i'm thankful for. thank you, naivety.

this building barely feels familiar anymore. it's like a distant memory, one you can't quite get rid of. its facade is clearer than my skin, and the doors in the entrance stand tall and proud. inside, the quartz flooring never fails to amaze. large carpets are draped over certain sections, protecting from dust and dirt. the elevator button lights up in red when it's pressed.

my face in the mirror looks strangely unfamiliar. i feel my hair to see if the other me does the same. and indeed he does. both of us let out a faint sigh.

what will dream say? will he freak out, will he cry? i don't think i can handle him crying. the emotions will come flooding for us both, but i want to keep myself calm and collected. if we could break it off with a few, cold words, and then leave it at that, no tears spilled, i'd be more than satisfied. it'll hurt, but it'll be for the best.

it's not long until i'm standing outside his door, my thoughts slowly dissipating. they drift away with the wind - not that there's any wind in here - and leave my head completely empty. i debate just turning around and booking it home, but my legs are frozen in place. hesitantly, i reach out to ring the doorbell.

not many seconds pass until i face him. he looks as gorgeous as always, maybe a bit more tired, but gorgeous nonetheless. i glance upon him with adoration in my eyes. he stares back at me with the same hint of love in his expression. for a moment i almost lose my breath. focus. do what you came here to do.

he lets me step in and untie my shoes. i hang my jacket on a wooden coathanger. when our eyes meet again, we're standing closer. i swear i can feel the heat from his body. alright. just focus. i repeat it in my head, over and over so i don't forget.

since he clearly won't speak up, i'll have to do it myself.

"so, we're taking a break."

he nods.

"and we're doing this because it's the best option at this point. you will benefit from it, and i will too. but i need you to be smart about this."

i shift the weight to my other leg, giving him a stern look.

"you need to be smart if you ever want me back."
"in what way?" he asks, playing dumb.
"you already know in what way," i huff.

he fiddles with his hair, submissively turning his head.

"start taking some responsibility. you're an adult, dream."
"i will."
"and how do i know you mean it?"
"you'll just have to trust me."

"i want to trust you, and i know this is really difficult for you, but-"

our eyes meet in the middle of my sentence. his emerald greens. those beautiful orbs that reeled me in right away, the first time i saw him. they're mesmerizing, putting a spell on me all over again.

"but.." i stutter.

my tense expression softens. i shoot him a smile of pity before getting lost in the sea of green. he bites his lip. the silence is comfortable yet unnerving at the same time. i'm about to break it when his hand gently cups my cheek. my breath hitches for a moment. his thumb caresses my sensitive skin with such care, that i feel my knees start to weaken. that my eyelids flutter shut.

not a word is exchanged for a solid minute and a half. the gracious touch of his hand says more than a thousand, or even a million words. i lean into the warmth.

"it's clay," he mumbles, "my name."

he's caught me in a moment of inattention, and used it to his advantage, but i'm not upset.

"clay," i whisper, "clay..."

a small smile erases any signs of concern on my face. clay smiles back at me. clay.

"yeah," he confirms, mirroring my new emotion.

we observe each other again, for longer this time. he's even prettier when he smiles. it makes me happy. it gives me new hope, hope that maybe one day, everything will be alright after all. he will be fine. and then we can go back to our normal lives together.

but my worries have only been swept under the rug temporarily. they're starting to burn holes in the fabric, gradually ripping it apart. one question still remains unanswered as he attempts to seduce me all over again. without flinching, i push it out.

"you don't really love me, do you? you just love the way i make you feel."

he frowns. that hit something.

"no, that's not true," he says, worry washing over his voice, "george.. i'm being honest with you, okay? i've never felt this way for someone before, ever. i love you so, so much, i really mean it. please, i beg you to trust me, just this once. i know i haven't been the best boyfriend, and that i haven't always been trustworthy, but please... i-i beg you."

"how could you love me when you don't even love yourself?"

no response. but i can practically hear his thoughts racing, hear the realization.

"you need to love yourself first," i explain.

we're so close now, that i could embrace him without having to really reach out at all. he gazes down on me with understanding eyes, his hand still resting on my cheek. he's waiting for me to act. to pull away, to leave his apartment and him, alone with his aching heart in the empty hallway.

but i don't. instead i stand up on my tippy toes, connecting our lips in the softest, most bittersweet kiss of our lives. i've kissed him so many times, yet it never gets old. the same butterflies are set free in my stomach, almost like we've never done this before.

my fingers tug on his silky hair, demanding more. i need to taste him, and give my heart what it so desperately wants. his grip on me becomes stronger. he wants me.

i want him too, i crave him. just one last time.