polaroid angel - dreamnotfound

˖⋆࿐໋₊ 𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘶𝘦

༻ ♡ ♡ ♡ ༺

i see stars. they dance across my vision, dig into my skull. his teeth bite at my neck, bruising it like never before. he feels so good inside me. i moan his name. not dream, but clay. he goes deeper when i say it.

without toys, it's so raw and real. his every move makes me squirm with pleasure. it's just the two of us, just our bodies interacting and our lips clashing. he's never treated me with such careful affection during sex, but i find myself loving it. i love the way he pets my hair and my cheeks, how he fucks me slow until i'm flying.

it's in moments like these, that our souls intertwine. they merge together as one, and share their endless love for each other. when we part, they will cry out for the other, shatter and hurt for weeks. souls don't understand why leaving is necessary. they only bathe in the love and the heat of the moment, blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

my heart will weep too, but i can only ignore it. it's for the best. to cure this toxicity that's built up.

i scream when he gifts me with the gratification i've craved for. his hands touch me like i'm an angel, too pure to exist on this earth. it's all so bittersweet to me, when i taste him on my tongue. i know i will forever be his angel, no matter what happens. that knowledge calms me.

my legs lay weak against the mattress, my nails have made him bleed. his soft moans and pants drive me crazy. between my fingers his golden curls feel like silk. it's more surreal than ever. i clutch onto him for dear life, like my body doesn't want him to leave.

this time he doesn't tease me, torture me with a lack of stimulation, nothing. he gets straight to the point, giving me all that i want. we're lost in a wonderful haze together, minds fogged up and high on pleasure.

i can barely breathe the humid air. we share it thoughtfully when we're not making out. his lips are swollen and slippery from how much i've licked and kissed them, and mine are too. streaks of saliva spill down his chin. he's so sexy. i can't get enough of him. i don't want this to end. in my dreams it doesn't.

but as the warm, orange sunlight shines into his bedroom we climax together. my cum coats my stomach, and his drips out of me. i feel empty when he pulls out, both physically and mentally. he admires me with a loving but sad grin that i just can't bring myself to return.

my face gets peppered in sweet kisses as he cleans me like always, meticulously and with copious amounts of intimacy. the wet wipes are cold against my skin, but his warmth makes up for it. his free hand massages my back and my sides to relieve any pain. i sigh, relaxing while he spoils me. i'll miss this part a shit ton.

he flips me over when he's done, and we lock eyes. a chilling silence has set in. the beauty of this goodbye has faded. left is only bitter truth. clay looks sad, nervous almost. for once, he isn't high. his shell is cracking. i thought it already cracked long ago, but there turned out to be several layers.

he's so broken, so lost behind them all. i see right through his white lies now. i see the pain in his glittering green orbs.

"you need help. for real."

i want to pull him into my arms and cuddle with him for hours, but my conscience tells me no.

"okay, okay! i will get help. i promise," he replies, half-assed.
"god, this is exactly what i mean. you don't give a shit about yourself. you just want to please me."

the disappointment in my voice is apparent. i'm gonna break down crying again. welled up emotions are starting to spill over.

"i-"

he's at a loss for words, because deep inside he knows i'm right. he doesn't even want help. he's living a double life, pretending to be someone he's not. just to forget all the suffering he's been through, all the flaws that gnaw away at his mind.

dream is his character. his safety net. if anything happens, it's dream's fault. it scares me to no end.

i sit up, hopelessly blinking away my tears.

"who are you?" i scream at him, but he doesn't even flinch.

my heart wants answers. his dead stare doesn't help. he's so insecure.

"look, i know who dream is. dream is a charming, mysterious person on the outside. but dream doesn't show his flaws. inside, dream is a soulless sex addict, a drug addict. dream doesn't care about anything or anyone. dream just wants to get high. dream just wants an escape."

he gives me a look, as if he's pretending to not understand, even though i know he does. i climb out of bed, leaning down to pick up my clothes from the floor.

"but who is clay?"

my boxers slide on with ease, and my jeans too. he crawls up from under the sheets, resting his back against the headboard. his body is as perfect as ever. that tanned skin, the toned abs that i fell in love with. it's hard to look away. but he still doesn't speak.

"who are you, clay? i mean, who are you really?" i wonder, "what brand of cigarettes do you prefer? do you like your coffee with or without sugar? what do you want in life? what are your feelings?"

i pull my grey sweater over my head, fixing my hair when it's on. clay remains quiet. he knows i'm leaving, knows that it's too late. and he's crying too. his beautiful blond hair falls to his eyebrows in curls. his jawline is sharp, and his face flawlessy chiseled. those almond shaped eyes stare back at me. his bruised, wet lips shimmer in the natural light. cute brown freckles stand out in the evening's golden glow.

my beautiful boy.

"call me when you've figured that out."

and with those words, i walk out of his bedroom for the last time.

outside, the sun is setting. it's a beautiful day. birds in the trees are singing while yellow, orange, and red leaves peacefully fall from their branches.

tears spill down my cheeks like waterfalls. my heart has shattered into a million pieces. it hurts so so bad. all i see when i stumble down the sidewalk is clay. i see him in his button-up, behind the camera, taking photo after photo. i see him in a restaurant, sipping a glass of expensive red wine. i see him in the hotel lobby, paying for a suite. i see him underneath the sheets, breathing down my neck.

i'm so sorry clay, but it was for the best. i couldn't handle watching you kill yourself anymore. i love you too much for that. please get better. i believe in you. you can do it. but not when i'm there.

one day i'll kiss your lips again, one day i'll make you sweat. i'll love you just like i did before, and i'll let you love me for real. one day, once you're ready to love yourself. i promise.

luxury fades to normality, and suddenly i'm back at home. everything feels empty. did my apartment always echo like this? my cheeks are still wet.

i search my nightstand for his polaroids. even though they're many, this is only a fraction of the amount he actually took. he kept most of them at his place.

i smile a little as i look through them, one by one. i've almost forgotten how amazing he is at photography. if someone offered me a billion dollars, i still wouldn't give them away. they're too precious for that. i sigh.

it'll be alright, i'll be fine. and you will too.

no matter how much it hurts now, i know i did the right thing.

i don't love you, dream. i'm only in love with clay. whoever he is.

✩.･*:｡≻───── ⋆♡⋆ ─────.•*:｡✩

the end <3