Michaelishious - Vol. 2021

Dec. 21st: Don't ask

Author's note:

This imagine is based on the two books 'My Fucking Smooth Criminal' and 'Smooth Xcape', and will probably not make much sense for those who haven't read them. But if you still do, don't complain.

An Apple a day keeps the doctors... Busy?

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"Mommy! Mommy! Look what I found!"

For the second time that morning, Applehead had dragged wild animals into the house. And this time it was...

"An owl?!" I exclaimed.

"How the friggin' frog did you catch an owl?"

Then I envisioned several ridiculous possibilities, and shook them out of my head as fast as I could.

"Don't answer that!"

"His eyes are so large," he said, and admired the staring bird.

"How is it possible not to see that? It doesn't even blink! Get that damn diabolic thing out of here."

"But mommy, he's my friend. His name is Fritz, and..."

But I was already on my way to throw the bird out. The only problem was that I didn't realize that it wasn't domesticated. Not soon enough, at least. So when I tried to grab it the same way I did with our chickens, it flew off into the kitchen, circled a few times, before it returned to the living room where we were. It crashed into the ceiling lamp so it fell on top of the coffee table, and knocked over several of Michaela's precious miniature statues and a candlelight holder, before it almost ripped the scalp off my head.

Needless to say; I screamed. And when I screamed, Applehead screamed, and believe it or not, the damn bird screamed too. Then all the other kids came running, and when they saw what the commotion was, they joined the screaming party as well.

"Get that bird out of here!" I yelled, but they were all too busy trying to seek cover from the owl's claws and sharp beak.

"Annie! Pull down the curtain!"

My daughter stared at me, not believing what I said. She was going to rip down Michaela's special ordered curtains? She was normally not even allowed to touch those. Nobody was. Not even me.

"Do as I say, and I'll deal with Diva later."

Annie nodded, but looked like she was more scared to rip it down than the crazy bird that kept crashing into things. She did it, though. Then she handed it to me and followed orders when I told her to hold one of the corners, while I held the other. She was quick to figure out what I had in mind.

"Are you ready?" I asked, and she nodded determinedly. Then we ran toward the bird and threw the curtain over it, and as soon as it was secured, I grabbed it and ran toward the door like the ground was on fire.

"And don't you ever come back here, you... You... Fritz!" I yelled after the owl when I released it.

That's right, Gail! Show it who's the boss around here! Yeah... You know it's a bird, right? One that didn't even come inside out of free will? Uhh... Go get your son. Or Daddy? Yeees... What?! No! Idiot fits better. Definitely an idiot.

"Applehead! How many times have I told you to not bring any more wild animals into the house? No worms! No caterpillars! No hedgehogs! And no weasels, marmots or badgers, either!"

"But the hare was cute, though," Annie said, and I scowled at her.

"You're not helping here."

"Sorry," she mumbled. Then she grabbed the curtain and studied it. Oh, yes. There were both holes and bird poop on it. Of course it was.