Hindsight

The Day they Took You.

L,

Funny how the neurodivergent mind works.

Hyperfixating on things or people,
Seeking out answers that aren't really there. Why did they lie about you? Why did we let them in?

I miss you.

The stubbornness of my mind can be irksome at times. When you are absolutely certain something will go one way, and it ends up going another. Like the way my stomach dropped when I realized it wasn't my family knocking on the door that morning.

I'm sorry.

I know I should have taken you elsewhere when the first warning signs presented themselves, but I am a naturally selfish being.

It's my fault they caught you.

It was hard to watch. I broke down after they drove you off and haven't been able to stop trembling. I wanted to reach you, to cry out, to do something. Anything other than just watch them take you away from us.

From me.

I can't imagine how angry you must be with me. I'm sorry I let this happen.

I love you.

I hope I run out of tears soon. Part of me knows that it doesn't do anything. That crying won't chase away this helplessness that has burrowed its way into my mind. I'm a natural overthinker, you see.

And so are you.

I'm restraining myself. I almost went to get you after they left. I might have, um... mouthed off to the pigs when they returned for your belongings. I forgot to return your hoodie. I'll probably sleep in it. I don't know if that's good or bad for me, but I guess we'll see.

I can't move.

There are people trying to help me. Making sure I'm eating, sleeping, medicating, and the like. I don't have the energy to tell them that I can't do it. It hasn't even been 24 hours

I'm not here.

I've been in a state of heavy dissociation since the pigs first showed up. I have no concept of time anymore. My brain is exhausted, but it won't let me sleep. I don't know who I am. My senses are blunted. My mind is a thick, tangled mess. I can't imagine what you must be experiencing right now.

This is selfish.

Here I am, talking about how this is affecting ME and how it's making ME feel and me me me blah blah. But you're the one who's in trouble. You're so much stronger than I could ever be. I admire that about you.

Please come back.

I don't have the heart to sleep in the hammock, but the mattress feels so empty. I don't know what to do. Everyone says there's not much I can do. That isn't helping.

I wish I could do more.

I left some things in your bag. I hope you like them. I forgot some of your belongings, but I don't know if that's what matters. I feel like nothing matters anymore.

Make it stop.

My mind keeps replaying the moment they removed you in cuffs. Time stopped, and it feels as if it hasn't started up again. I don't know what's real anymore.

I'm so sorry.

Some people came over today to comfort me. I think I just made them feel worse. Everyone that is trying to help needs just as much, if not more support. And I'm making things worse for them by being this way.

Why am I like this?

For whatever reason, this chain of events has caused my fears of leaving the house and interacting with people to spike dramatically.

Please forgive me.

The anxious nausea is back. I can't eat much and I don't think I can sleep. My body is so tired, but it's almost as if I rely on you for peace of mind. Seeing you before I went to sleep every night was like my brain getting permission to relax. The shaking has slowed, but my body still holds a slight tremor that worsens whenever I'm reminded of you.

I need you.

I'm so sorry that I let this happen. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but I know that I'm just isolating myself from everyone and everything. I feel so numb to everything. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday.

I need you here.

I thought putting my thoughts down here instead of info dumping on people who this is affecting just as heavily will help. It didn't do much.

I love you.

- L