Random writing 2020

If i ever lose my battle with depression

If I ever lose by battle with depression y'all should know I always have a bunch of really random mood swings like when you go from fine to angry to fine to bawling your eyes out and feeling completely worthless like I'm so ducking tired right now I'm so fucking tired of everything and it's just like I just wanna be done but my subconscious is just like you won't do it because you care about everyone else too much people say I need to focus on myself I worry about others too much well yeah I do because I could care less about me it's never and will never be about me it's gonna be I could and I should but I can't because this person cares for whatever reason or because I care too much of how others are gonna feel because I'm selfish enough and people never say oh they died because   The world is shut and everyone pushed them off the edge it's you're a coward and you're selfish for taking yourself away from us what about our felling guess what fuck your feelings because every time I needed someone where were you where were you and I just don't wanna do this anymore I can't I just can't it hurts too much and I'm trying and I've been trying and it's not good enough and I can't even ducking talk to anyone because my mom had my brother in a mental hospital for like three years and I'm so scared and people wonder why I don't just tell somebody because they're trying to say I'm crazy and feed me a bunch pills and I won't be able to do that if they send me away I'm not coming back for a long time because I know I'm not crazy but no one will believe me and it's just like what is the point anymore I don't have any friends my family doesn't care anymore and the one person who made me feel like I was worth it is pushing me away and I'm so tired and I know I'm repeating myself and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm tired of everything it hurts so much it hurts it hurts it hurts I just need everything to stop I just can't this isn't a discussion it's a statement this isn't here for hope because I don't want hope and I don't want pity I want people to know that this could've been avoided and it not my fault it the worlds so fuck everything because I said I needed help and I didn't get any and I don't trust myself and it's fucked because I want to be around people I hate being alone but I hate being around people I just want to be alone but I don't and I'm so stupid and selfish and I'm rude and I'm a smart ass but I was also trying and no one cared I feel like I'm drowning like I'm stuck I'm not me anymore I cant find her I don't know what happened but I know this this thing isn't me it's just I'm my body using my head it hurts