Kiss Me (Like You Wanna Be Loved)

Chapter Eighteen: Besties With Benefits

Another shift in the routine: Keiji stops returning to his own bed at the end of the night. Since that first time after the party, he's been sleeping in Bokuto's room. It's just... easier this way. Convenient. And okay maybe it's also kind of nice to fall asleep in Bokuto's arms, to wake up wrapped in his warmth. But it's not a big deal.

So they're lying in bed, pressed against each other and exhausted after another indulgent Sunday afternoon of fooling around, when Bokuto asks, "Why don't you wanna date?"

Keiji inhales sharply, going from half-asleep and relaxed to very awake and tense in one second flat.

Bokuto laughs a little. "Man, your face-you look so scared! Breathe, don't worry, I'm not tryin to date you or anything."

Keiji releases the breath caught in his lungs, though for some reason he's not exactly comforted by that statement.

"I'm just wondering," Bokuto says. "You seem so sure about not wanting a relationship."

"I am very sure. I'm not good at relationships."

"But how do you know if you've never tried?"

"Because I'm not speaking only to romantic relationships," Keiji says. "I'm not good at relationships in general. I'm not good with people. I'm sure you can imagine why."

"Not really," Bokuto says. "Is it... the blunt honesty thing? 'Cause I don't think that makes you bad at relationships!"

Keiji shakes his head a little. "While I do think that's a factor, it's more that I simply don't have the... capacity for it," Keiji tries to explain. He's never really articulated this before; it's always just been a swirl of thoughts winding in his brain.

"Being with someone like that means you have to rearrange your life for them, you have to make room in your head for them. If you're in a relationship, then for every decision you make you have to consider not only how it will affect your own life, but also how it will affect theirs. Relationships are... restrictive, taxing. There are so many obligations and expectations. It's-too much."

Bokuto hums thoughtfully. "I guess I can understand that," he says after a moment. "Guess I'm kinda in a similar situation 'cause of volleyball. If I want any real chance of going pro, I gotta be committed to that above everything, there's not really room for much else. Especially after I graduate and join a team-I'll be traveling a lot, might even go play overseas. It'll always have to come first, and that wouldn't really be fair to a partner."

"That makes sense," Keiji says. He swallows the lump in his throat and goes on, "For me there's also... the emotional side of things. You may have noticed, I'm not a very expressive person. I can't. This. I'm not good at this-at being... emotionally vulnerable. This conversation right now is quite possibly the most personal thing I've shared with anyone and I've barely shared." His voice is a little shaky when he adds, "And I feel like I'm suffocating."

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Bokuto says, soothingly brushing Keiji's hair back from his face. "You don't have to-I didn't mean to push."

"No, no it's fine," Keiji says, letting out a rattling breath. "But you see the problem. I can barely do this much, even with someone like you, someone I already trust. How could I ever hope to get close enough to someone that I'm comfortable being truly open? I just feel like-it's not for me. That kind of connection, that level of intimacy-it feels impossible. It's just something that I don't get to have."

"Hmm," Bokuto says, quiet for a moment before asking, "Have you ever thought that you might be aromantic? Not to be presumptuous or anything!" He pauses, then adds, "Did I use that word right?"

Keiji huffs out a laugh. "Yes, you did. And I have considered it, but no. It's not that I don't experience romantic attraction, I am simply ill-equipped to deal with it. Even if I had feelings for someone, I doubt I could make a relationship work. And again, it's not exclusive to romantic relationships. My relationships with family, with friends-they all suffer."

He hesitates for another second, then goes on to confess, "I've never had a best friend, at least not since I was in elementary school. I've never let myself get close enough to anyone to reach that level. I'm not an easy person to know. It would take a very long time for me to let my guard down with someone, and most people simply aren't that patient or willing to expend the effort. And I can't blame them."

"You know," Bokuto says, voice hushed like he's sharing a secret. "I've never really had a best friend, either."

"Really?" Keiji asks, not bothering to mask his surprise. "What about Kuroo-san?"

"I mean, we're pretty close, sure. But his best friend is Kenma, and he's dating Tsukki, so I guess I kinda come in third for him. People aren't very patient with me, either. I'm too loud and too moody and people don't really wanna deal with that."

"Their loss," Keiji murmurs before he can think better of it.

Bokuto's arm tightens around him, and after a beat he goes on, "You know, I kinda feel like... ah, never mind."

"What?" Keiji prods.

Bokuto is silent for a few seconds then he lets out a little breath and says, "Okay, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything, but... I kinda feel like you're my best friend. No one's ever really put up with me for this long before, so. Thanks, Akaashi."

"I..." Keiji swallows thickly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Keiji pinches his arm. "Stop apologizing for things that don't necessitate an apology."

"Sorr-ack!" he cuts off with a squawk when Keiji pinches him again.

Keiji huffs out a breath and goes on. "I... suppose, if we take into account the amount of time we spend in each other's company and how close we have gotten over the last five months, then I suppose it's the same for me. You are likely my best friend as well."

"Really?" Bokuto asks, his voice soft and full of wonder.

"Do you see anyone else competing for the title," Keiji asks flatly.

"I guess not. I just. Wow!" He laughs and hugs Keiji tighter. "That makes me really happy."

"I don't entirely understand why. I don't think I'm a very good friend."

"Eh, that's not surprising. You're kinda stupid like that."

"Excuse me?" Keiji pulls back to properly glare.

Bokuto gives him a soft look and pulls him close, pressing Keiji's head against his chest again, petting his hair as he explains. "The way you see yourself, it's just. I wish you could see how amazing you are."

"Don't say things like that," Keiji mutters, pressing closer to Bokuto's chest to keep his burning face hidden from view.

"I mean it though."

"I know you do, that's what makes it so embarrassing."

"But it's true! You're really-"

"Stop talking right now or I'll revoke your title as best friend."

Bokuto lets out a dramatic gasp. "You can't do that!"

"Don't challenge me. I can and I will."

"No no no, I don't think so! You already said it. No take backs! You're stuck with me, bestie."

"Ugh," Keiji says, and he pinches Bokuto's arm again as the other man just laughs. But Keiji can't help the thought that of all the people to get stuck with, he feels like he maybe owes some great debt to the universe to have ended up with Bokuto Koutarou.

"You know," Keiji goes on after a second. "I do have ways of making you shut up."

"Oya? Is that so-ooohh," his taunt turns into a moan as Keiji slips his hand between Bokuto's thighs.

"You were saying?"

"Nothing," he breathes as Keiji continues to stroke him hard. "I was saying nothing."

"Hmm." Keiji kisses his neck and smiles against his skin, "That's what I thought."