Kiss Me (Like You Wanna Be Loved)

Chapter Twenty Two: Meaningless

It's for the best.

That's what Keiji keeps telling himself. Over and over and over again.

He even almost believes it.

The day after Bokuto ends their arrangement, Keiji picks up a second shift at Early Bird so he can work a double. If he's going to spend the whole day miserable anyways, he may as well be on the clock and earning money. It's a busy time of year. With Christmas only three days away there's a steady stream of customers in need of caffeine, and Keiji is grateful for the distraction.

So he spends twelve hours making drinks, avoiding his own thoughts by focusing entirely on order after order. Chocolate syrup, steamed milk, espresso. Cold milk, matcha, ice. Coffee, cream, two sugars. He feels like a zombie, zoned out in front of the drink station, but his productivity doesn't suffer, so nobody complains. Very few people attempt to make conversation with him, and those who do give up easily when they see how unresponsive he is.

At the end of the day, when he's dead on his feet and has no more work to distract himself with, he makes a lame excuse about wanting to rest for a few minutes before heading home, then he slumps down into the back corner booth and falls asleep.

His co-workers must take pity on him, because nobody kicks him out when they close, and nobody says a word when he wakes up there the next morning.

The second day is better, and worse. Worse because every day without Bokuto is somehow worse than the last. But better because he's convinced himself that logic is on his side, despite the emotions wrecking havoc on his entire existence right now.

Because again, this is for the best.

If he's this devastated now, Keiji can only imagine how utterly destroyed he would be later on, if they kept this up, when Bokuto broke his heart. When not if. An inevitability. So it's better this way. He can survive this. But if he let himself go, if he let himself fall, if he really truly let himself feel... he might not ever come back from that.

It would ruin him; thoroughly, irrevocably.

When he's sure Bokuto won't be there, Keiji risks a trip to the apartment to shower and grab a fresh change of clothes. As he passes through the living room, he notices a single piece of paper sitting out on the table. He moves closer to get a better look.

It's a rental renewal form for their apartment. Bokuto must've left it here for him to see. It shows that their lease is up at the end of February, two months from now. They'll have to decide soon if they're planning to stay.

Somehow it's both not enough time and far too much. Because if it's going to be like this, Keiji doesn't think he can handle another two weeks let alone two more months. Maybe he can move back into the dorms. He probably wouldn't be stuck with Daishou anymore, so it wouldn't be as bad as it was before. Though having a bedroom to himself these last six months has definitely spoiled him. The idea of sharing a room with someone-

His train of thought falters when he realizes that he hasn't actually slept in his own room for over a month. He'd been perfectly happy sharing Bokuto's space. He didn't even miss having a bed to himself.

This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen.

Not for the first time, Keiji's mind spins in circles trying to solve the mystery of what exactly went wrong. He has his assumptions as to why Bokuto ended this, ranging from bad to worse. Maybe it's as straightforward as Bokuto being tired of Keiji acting distant and confusing. Maybe it's as gut-wrenching as Bokuto being involved with someone else.

Regardless of the specifics, the common thread running through all of his guesses is simple: Keiji is in love, and Bokuto is not.

He sets the paper down with trembling fingers. The apartment suddenly feels stifling, suffocating. The walls are pressing in, threatening to crush him, and at this point Keiji might welcome that.