My Beloved Raven,

xvi

Touch

You tell me I'm too big
for this world but
I don't know how
to tell you
I feel so tiny
when I'm bleeding
out into the river
each night.

Like I'm stripping
off my very being
and giving it to
the world but you
tell me it's not
enough, that I still
have more to give.

.

Sometimes I feel
like these ridges,
they're going to
be etched into
my memory forever.

And they already
are when I wake up
each night with flashes
of red and orange
running through my mind.

.

You make me feel
like I'm made of bones-
so breakable and real,
and I wish I never
had a body.

You know how that feels?
Just really really
wanting to float above
everyone else and
feel real for once?

.

Someone once told me
my body was
my temple and
that it was supposed
to feel safe but I
don't when every time
someone touches me

I don't want them to.
Not when every time
I look at it I think
oh no
what have I done.

.

What I'm trying to say
is these bodies,
they're so superficial baby.

Why don't we turn
ourselves into sea foam
and live the lives that
last a fleeting moment.

The lives where
no memories are
etched onto the surfaces
of our skin.

The lives where
I wouldn't know how
much I wanted to
touch you

because I won't.

.

Because,
I don't want you
to touch me back.

.

I don't wanna burn
but I do wanna
be in the flames
that go up.

I guess
what I'm really
trying to say is
everything I write
these days
has been a
desperate attempt
to reach out.

Because I found
peace in your
body.
But I can't touch you.

.

Listen

.

Because this?
It's the only
language I speak.

And after all the
whispers I've sent
your way,
I guess I've just
been wanting
one back.
_

Fucking hell. What am I trying to say?