FUCK!

9. FUCK!!!

I want to talk to Timothy. We need to talk about what happened. Everything is getting to my head and at times I find myself daydreaming. Not of what the future holds for me and him, but about what happened.

He's been ignoring me. He hasn't replied to my text. I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he didn't reply. It's unlike him to not reply to a text or ignore one, but given the circumstances that we find ourselves in, adultery, he's matured enough to understand that I'm going through scenarios in my head right now.
I'm not expecting him to cut everything off and break up with Theresa so we can run off until the sunset. I know that will never happen, we have the rehearsal dinner tonight. Everything is going ahead as planned, nothing stopped.

I don't want to attend the rehearsal dinner though. He's going to be there, so will Theresa and I will have to sit and smile as they smile at each other and rehearse their vows. Through sickness and in health and in kissing my best friend at her mom's funeral.

My phone vibrates and I grab it from my sweatpants. It's a message from Shar, letting me know she made dinner. The disappointment on my face, is somehow managed. Who doesn't love free dinner.

"Delilah."

"Lilah," I correct Rebecca, the group speaker.

After my one visit, I told myself that I would keep attending after mom's death. Even if it's just once.  I was hoping that no one would notice me and I could just absorb every other person's story, compare how much life has fucked us up and how emotionally unstable we are and then at the end of the night I'd grab my bag and run to my car, drive home and give myself a celebratory glass of wine, because I kept the end of my promise.

"Yes, Lilah," she corrects herself, "you've been staring at your phone all night and you haven't spoken. I see this is your second time joining us. Would you like to introduce yourself to us, properly?"

I shift in my chair and put my phone away, "Okay. Hi everyone, I'm Lilah," I wait for them to respond, "Hey Lilah," and I continue, "and I'm an orphan."

The whole room goes quiet and keeps looking at me, as I do the same, to Rebecca.

She clears her throat and nods, "is there something more you'd like to share with us. How did they die?"

I smile hearing someone ask me how my mom died. It's been a while since I actually talked about her, "Pneumonia. She just never got better. It has been- I mean it had been something she struggled with her whole life and I guess she just gave up. She was tired. We just buried her a few days ago actually. My sister came. I don't really get along with her at all, but she came and a huge part of me was happy. I didn't let her see it though. My friends also came. We had the reception at our apartment, I stay with Sharice, my best and she was there. Tim-Timothy my other best friend was also there. I've been in love with him since we met and needless to say, he kissed me once everyone was gone," a few people coo and clap hands, "oh no he has a girlfriend. So now he's been ignoring me, but it is what it is I guess."

The entire room has become uncomfortably silent and I second guess myself having shared all of that, "You said you lost both your parents, but you only talked about your mother," Rebecca says, "what about your father?"

"He's alive. Alive and breathing. But he's dead to me," I nod.

She nods as well, "and you uh talked about a Timothy?" she continues.

"He's engaged, he's getting married soon yeah. I'm actually one of his groomsmen, his fiance, Theresa isn't particularly fond of me so she didn't put me onto the bridesmaids' list. But I guess the feeling is mutual. She can be a bit of a cunt," I chuckle as Rebecca clears her throat and a few other members laugh with me.