FUCK!

10. TIMOTHY

"Lilah, thank you for joining us again," Rebecca says with a smile.

I nod as she greets everyone else in the room.

I didn't plan on being here tonight. I am supposed to be spending the entire night at the pub, like most Fridays drinking down my sorrows and pretending to care about their conversations on wedding decor. It's Timothy's birthday as well. He came out and joined us, but he kept to his word and demanded everyone to keep it low. Marvin and Jona's surprise was an open tab for him at the pub, trying to get him drunk like old times. He refused.
So I left. Not because he refused to drink himself into a coma under Marvin and Jona's commands, but because everything seems to be changing and evolving and unstable and that scares me. This was the only place I could think of coming to.

"So, Lilah, any progress on your end?"

"Uh, yes actually," I say crossing my legs and cupping my hands onto my knee, "I talked to Timothy. Didn't go exactly as I planned. I guess he's really in love with Theresa, but at least that's out of the way now," I chuckle. I've always used sarcasm as a technique to control my emotions when I'm talking about something that tugs onto my heart and I think Rebecca has caught up onto that as she nods with an intense look on her face, "Yeah, that's about it."

"What about your father and sister? Have you talked to them?"

"No- not yet, baby steps right?" I deflect, and change the subject, "but my best friend, Shar, not Tim. He's also my best friend, but Shar, she actually suggested that I start dating again."

"That's a good idea," Rebecca says, "have you met anyone yet?"

"Yes. This one guy I once had a one night stand with, Noah. Had to start somewhere, right?"

"Right," Rebecca agrees and so does the rest of the members as they nod.

"But I don't think he's the right fit for me right now."

"Why's that?"

"He's uh too stable. And nice. He reminds me too much of Tim. I think I need someone who's tough as nails so they can pull me out of my pity party and start living. I don't need nice or decent, that has never worked for me. I'm dysfunctional and unstable and someone just as dysfunctional and as unstable as I am would be perfect. So if I was to jump off a bridge, he'd do it with me. Not like, jump off-jump off, just the analogy. Someone who's willing to just let it all go and do just dumb shit with me," when I'm done, everyone is quiet, until one of the members, the one who lost siblings raises his hand and says, "I'll do that dumb shit with you," and I smile at him, "Thanks, Harold."

After that Rebecca doesn't ask me anything else. We even have a new member. She's just like me, shy at first and a slight fraud. She hasn't lost anyone, in the sense of losing someone. Her husband became paralysed from the neck down. At least she shared that with us, on her first day and unlike my mother, he actually communicates with them, verbally.

This time around after the meeting I stay. Not just for more than a cupcake or a bottle of water, but for conversation.
My greatest fear was having everyone queue up in front of me ready to load off all their grief on me, but that's not the reality. In some sense, we kind of leave all the gory stuff in the circle. We still talk about it, but only because it's what we have in common.

"I meant it you know," Harold says as he grabs one of the blue frosted cupcakes off the table.

"Huh?"

"Do dumb shit with you, I meant."

"Right."

Harold would be perfect, but I'm not ready for the idea of having sex and then sitting in a circle with him every Friday evening to take about my parents and potential love life. That's too much emotional investment into one person. It's a commitment. Something I tend to say I have sworn off.

"Yes?"

"You're not from here," I ignore his request and change the subject, biting into my cupcake.

"It's the accent, I know."

"I assume you get that a lot."

"Not as much as I expected since moving here."

"When did you move?" I ask.

"Four months ago."

"Any relatives here?"

He shakes his head with a smile and I stare at him, "You just up and left?"

"And never looked back."

'So why this?" I point at everyone in the room, "if a fresh start?"

"It keeps me sane, hearing the dysfunctionality of it all."

Since attending these meetings, I've realised that this is my place. I just needed to find a group of people who've gone through similar things, people who see everything from my perspective.
And in time, I guess it doesn't have to be the same people.