FUCK!

11. SHARICE

For special reasons, I asked Tim and Jona to not bring Theresa or Mel. I was surprised they actually acknowledged my request. For a Friday the pub is actually not that full. I was hoping I would have a crowd to run into once I'm faced with my friends' disappointed faces. Or maybe they will be happy. I choose the latter but the former is likely going to be the reality.

"Come on Lilah, what do you have for us?" Marvin asks with a sheepish grin, sipping onto his beer, "you've been ditching us almost every Friday now. So come on what's up?"

"Okay so I have an announcement," I tap my glass with my nails.

"I told you guys, she's pregnant."
"Or has a new boyfriend."
"Or she made someone pregnant," Marvin goes on a ramp and everyone laughs, except for Sharice, because she knows.

"No," I continue with a chuckle, "I-uh I quit my job actually and uh I joined an FA meeting. It's almost like an AA meeting, but just for people who lost a loved one. And uhm I have decided to move...to another city."

Martha didn't take my resignation lightly. I hated walking out of that place, leaving her in tears like that, but she was happy for me. It felt like losing my mom all over again, but this time I got to say goodbye.

They're now all quite. Even Marvin and that means something. All of them, except Shar and Tim, have confused faces and I can tell they're going to need a lot of explanation. Before I can explain anything, Tim walks out of the pub using the backdoor, "I'll be right back," I say and place my drink down, following Tim.

Making the decision to move wasn't that hard. Knowing I would be leaving Shar, Tim, Jona and possibly Marvin was hard, but everything that has happened up until this point has been so for a reason. As for Theresa and Mel telling each other that Tim sees me as a burden with a lot of emotional baggage, it did help in making that decision and I regret not having left Shar to slap them at my mom's funeral. But I have been friends with Timothy for five years now and whether or not he said I am a burden with a lot of emotional baggage, no doubt a few exaggerations from Theresa, he is still my best friend.

"An AA meeting?" he asks when I join him outside by the dumpster.

"FA. Forgotten anonymous."

"You could have talked to me, Lilah. If I had known you were going through all of this, I would have never said what I said."

This is what I hate. Regrets; If only I had, If only you had. There comes a point when I need to find my own happiness and if it takes moving kilometres away from you, maybe you should just accept that and support me? No one just wakes one day and decides they want to abandon everything without all those things having contributed to that decision.
Had you not said what you said, I would still be running after you thinking you love me. Being continuously unhappy. You're not the most amazing boyfriend, but you're one amazing friend and that blindsided me a bit.

"Timothy. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel," I say, "and this is something I've been thinking about since my mom died. That's why I joined the FA group. I needed someone to talk to, someone who understood and they provided that for me. I don't have anyone here-"

"I've always been here, you could have come to me. You have me."

"No. You have Theresa. That's what I mean."

"There's Shar too!"

"She loves me, she'll understand."

"I love you too, you know that," he sighs, "just not-

"Yeah, I know."

We sit down onto the crates behind the pub where workers occasionally take their smoke breaks after having dealt with drunkards and alcoholics who refuse to pay their tabs or evacuate.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I don't know. I'll write you a letter or something, once I'm there."

"Or text. Or call, like a normal person," he chuckles.

"That's too unrelieved. I want you to cry onto the piece of paper, and ruin the ink, wishing you were there with me and your unnamed godkids."

"That long huh. Can't imagine you with kids," he chuckles. "When do you leave?"

Of all the situations I've ever placed myself, this has yet to be the hardest one. I rub my hands together and look at Timothy.

"Tomorrow."

His eyes shoot up like saucers and I can see the hurt on his face, "Fuck!"

"I'll come and pick my stuff once I've settled in. Then we can have a proper goodbye."

"Are you still going to come to the wedding?" he asks.

I don't answer and he chuckles lightly. A small crease starts forming between his eyebrows and I wrap my arms around his neck, "Don't cry," I whisper.

Of all things he could have cried after, me letting him know that I won't be able to attend his binding ceremony to Theresa should be last on the list nor be there.

Shar left the pub before me. Saying goodbye to everyone else took longer than I had expected. I didn't expect Marvin and Jona to cry either, but if you put everything aside they've been my family all this long. Even if Marvin kept asking for sex. Had it happened, we would have been those type of families. When I walk back into the apartment Shar's seated by one of the couches, reading a magazine. She drops it at the sound of the door and stands up, like a parent expecting their child to walk in with a trophy of some sorts.

"How did he take it?" she asks.

Sharice knew all along I was mobing. She tried convincing me to stay, of course, but in the end, I drove a hard bargain.

"He took it as it came," I reply, "I think he'll be fine."

"Well don't let him stand in the way of your happiness," she says, "I've always said he has no personality."

"You have never said that!"

"Well, I'm saying it now."

For the first time today, I find myself laughing and Shar does the same. I'll miss this, the company, the insults. I shrug and look at her. She might have a point.

She opens her hands and walks up to me, "Come on," she hugs me.

"I love you."

"I love you."