𝘼 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙

Little white lies

I was laying on my bed, my suitcase ready on the floor beside me reminded me it was time to leave the place that had always made me feel safe and even if the perspective of the lonely summers I had passed for years before wasn't exactly exciting for me they were more reassuring of the perspective I had for the summer that was about to start.
After Cedric's funeral I felt so hopelessly desperate, all I could think about all the time was that he could have been alive if I hadn't underestimated my headaches, if I had thought it could've been my father before maybe I could've found out what was planned and I could've stopped it before they even entered the maze. My mind was full of what-ifs and I was starting to doubt that I would ever be able to forgive myself.
In those moments Dumbledore's face came up randomly from my memories and I started to feel the pressure of his request, the fear that I would not be up to the task he was entrusting me with being the preponderant emotion filling my chest.
I had been digging into the deepest recesses of my mind looking for something, anything, just one tiny little moment in which I had experienced genuine happiness with my father. Nothing, every time, it was always my mother, always.
I had finally reached the point where I had searched everywhere and not having found anything I concluded I had to start creating them. I had to create false memories of me and my father to trick myself into loving him the slightest bit that was enough for him to believe me and, most importantly, for the Dark Lord to trust me.
"Are you ready?" Hermione broke the silence and my stream of thoughts.
"No, no I'm not, but I guess I don't have a choice" I chuckled getting up from the bed. I had to keep me balanced leaning for a second against the wall, shutting Severus out was a full time job and not easy at all even though he was shielding himself from me too.
"Are you okay?" She asked looking at me from the door frame.
I glanced at my own reflection in the window and the only answer that came up to my mind was no.
No, I am not okay, I am sleep deprived, scared to the bone, my heart is broken into a million pieces and I can't talk to anyone.
"Yes, just a little shaken up like everyone else" I said collecting the last things.
"Are you... are you coming with us?" She said meaning if I would go with them to the Hogwarts express.
"Uh... I.. You guys go ahead, I'll join you... I have something to do" I said smiling lightly.
"Well... see you later then" she said and left me in the silence of my room again.
I let the weight of my body fall on the bed once again. I closed my eyes and groaned in pain, how was I supposed to keep one out while looking for another?
I forced myself up from the bed remembering Dumbledore had asked to see me before I left.
I made my way to his office completely absorbed in my thoughts to the point I opened the door to his office without even asking for permission and it wasn't locked so I basically walked in on Dumbledore and Snape talking in very low voices that almost seemed like whispers.
They fell silent immediately the second they realized I was there.
"I- I'm sorry" I said and I was about to close the door again when Dumbledore spoke.
"Miss Avery, stay, Severus was about to leave" he said.
The mention of his name made my stomach flutter strangely in my abdomen and we had the weirdest, longest second of eye contact.
He coldly passed by like I was no more than a useless piece of furniture.
However I inhaled his scent while he passed by me and lived to regret it the last few seconds because this had brought back my longing for him, his voice, his sarcasm, his teasing irony, his hair, his hands... and I was almost getting lost again.
"How are you doing Sue?"
"I'm scared and I-" I had to stop before my voice could break "I miss him, keeping him out takes almost all of my energy and it's exhausting considering I also have to prepare for what's going to happen with my father"
"I understand..." he sighed and handed me an envelope.
"What is this?"
"It's for you to know where, when and how we will be in contact throughout the summer so that you can keep me updated on your.. situation"
I was about to open it but he stopped me putting his hand over mine "open it when you're alone, I think it's safer" he said.
I sighed and sliding the envelope in my pocket I said nervously "any last minute tips, Professor?"
He looked up at me and it was like he was only then realizing how scared I actually was.
"My dear girl..." he said cupping my face in a sweet paternal gesture "I know you think highly of me, so how could you even think I would give you a task you couldn't carry out?" He asked.
I actually didn't know how to respond.
"I- I trust you, sir... Who I don't trust is my father" I gulped.
His eyes softened, he was pitying me for being so afraid of my own father.
"I will make it my priority to be sure nothing happens to you, Sue... I told you, you are not doing this alone" he said.
"Thank you, sir" I said even though I hadn't stopped shivering he had succeeded in reassuring me a little bit.
"Now go... or you'll miss the train" he chuckled.
"Yes... uh... thank you again Professor" I said.
He shook his head "no, thank you Sue, you still have no idea how much your contribution will help us" He said.
"Everyone must do their part, don't they? We do not win on our own"
"Absolutely" he sighed looking at me leaving his office "we'll be in contact soon" he said.
I smiled one last time and closed the door behind me. My head hurt tremendously and everyone of my thoughts was fogged up and pushed aside by memories of Severus, like there wasn't room for anything else.
Making my way to the train I wondered if it was the same for him, but it probably wasn't, he wouldn't have been so stupid to fall for me. I knew as well as he knew that it couldn't have lasted but I had let it happen anyway so the blame was on me and me only.
"Sue! You made it" Hermione said waving at me to catch my attention.
I forced a smile "yes, I'm here".
I took a moment to look around before getting on the train, taking in all I could of the view of the castle like it was going to crumble at any moment but I soon realized the only one risking of falling apart was me...
In the bright colors of that summer image one little detail contrasted with the background, a tall black figure that stood out perfectly from the colorful picture not too far away from where I was standing. I swallowed down another lump in my throat. If that's the effect his presence is going to have on me forever, good luck next year Sue.
His emotionless face communicated nothing but the fact he hated being there surrounded by people hugging and speaking too loudly. His gaze lazily analyzed the surroundings until it fell on Harry for a moment and then on me standing next to him. My instinct tried to urge me to look away but I acted against it sustaining his gaze.
He looked me up and down a couple of times, I did let go of my occlumency shield for a moment, in case he had something to say to me, but as I could've imagined everything stayed immersed in an unbearable silence.
I broke eye contact with him once Harry called me, there was no use in continuing to stare at each other, it only hurt more than it should've.
"Do you really care about him so much?" Harry whispered to me notice my eyes shining with tears.
"It's just... complicated" I said shooting one last glance back at him but I was met with an empty space looking at where he was before.
"He lies all the time, he hurt you..." Harry said while we walked to the compartment Ron and Hermione had taken.
"Harry, you're prejudiced because he doesn't like you and you don't like him either" I said.
"I guess it could be possible but he doesn't deserve you suffering this much for him" he said.
I looked at him speechless, he trusted me, finally someone actually saw me and I was about to throw it all out of the window and join my father's side, the Dark Lord's side.
I tried to comfort myself thinking that I was actually doing it for him because part of me wasn't ready to admit that I was actually doing it for Severus.
During the journey I pretended to fall asleep and it worked, they totally bought it so I could do all the work that I had to do to conceal my real intentions and feelings from my father.
The hardest part, however, was creating fake memories because I literally had nothing to base them off of. I did my best and hoped that would have been enough.
I "slept" for hours apparently because when I "woke up" we were almost arrived at King's Cross.
I had decided that once he had gotten out of Azkaban he would've wanted to go home, so that was where I was going to go.
"I'll miss you guys so much..." Hermione said looking at us very seriously "but you will write to me, won't you?"
"Sure" said Ron
"Every day" continued Harry making me chuckle even though I hadn't thought of the fact that if I was going to live with my father for the whole summer... It could have been problematic to write to them.
"I'll write to you" I said seriously and took a mental note of figuring out a way sooner or later.
"Promise" she said giving me those puppy eyes.
"I promise" I said with a little smile.
The train started loosing speed and it stopped completely soon after. Me, Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged looks because we knew that was the moment we all went our separate ways.
I hugged them one by one and wished them the best summer.
Hermione and Ron left first leaving me and Harry in the compartment.
"Listen... I-I was thinking about before the Yule ball when you told me you couldn't buy a new dress because of the money..."
"Yes..." I said not having a clue why that was important in that moment.
"Well I want you to have this" he said pulling out of his bag a smaller bag containing his triwizard winnings.
"No... no way, this is your money, Harry... use it for yourself, you've got this at a very high cost" I said not considering taking the money even for a second.
"I don't need it, I have money my parents left me and I don't want it... every time I look at it I get flashbacks of that night and Cedric, this should've been his prize and now he's dead..."
"It's not your fault Harry"
"It would be easier to believe it if I could get rid of this" he said, the coins in the bag clinking.
"I can't take it... give it to someone who needs it, someone you love and know that will spend it in a very good way, so that you can honor Cedric's memory by admiring the good things this money will create for someone you love" I said.
He stayed silent for some time until we heard a very loud whistle signaling we really should've gotten out.
"I'll give it to Fred and George..." he resolved "they say they want to open a joke shop once they finish school"
"That's great, exactly what I meant" I smiled.
He smiled back but looked like there was more he wasn't saying.
"You know..."
"Yes?"
"It's not your fault either"
The blood instantly froze in my veins, how would he know...
"You never actually told me but I saw the look in your eyes when we talked about that night, when you said you had seen Cedric's death in your father's mind but it was already too late... it's not your fault, I want you to know this" he said waiting for me to say something but I was like petrified.
"I- uh... thank you Harry..." I said amazed by the level of empathy he possessed, he couldn't read people's minds but maybe he didn't need to if that was what he was capable of.
He nodded "anytime... so... see you soon, Sue" he said already out of the train. I nodded fervently, my cheeks were red and hot and my eyes started to become shiny. Guilt was probably going to eat me alive before next year at Hogwarts started.
"See you soon Harry" I said, almost a whisper, maybe too low for him to hear it but it wasn't necessary.
I made my way out of the station and there I found someone I knew but that I wasn't expecting of seeing there.
"Ogg! Why are you here, there was no need for you to..."
"I had to come, miss Avery! Your father is there, at your family's house..." Ogg said, he had been religiously taking care of my family's property since none of us was still around to properly attend to it as my mother had died and my father was in Azkaban
"My... oh, dad's there, well let's go..." I said and he was visibly confused by hearing me calling him dad but after a few seconds of hesitation he saw that I was serious and took my hand. In a second we were in front of the front gates.
Avery's Mansion, here we are again.
"Miss Avery I have to insist, are you sure you want to go inside, you haven't been here since..."
"Yes, I know" I sighed "it's fine, we have to work this out"
"As you wish, Miss" he said not really convinced about why I wanted to do such thing, he wasn't very fond of my father either.
We walked in silence to the house until we were in front of the front door and had to stop again.
"Don't worry Ogg... I'm going to be okay" I said walking inside as he opened the gates.
"Yes Miss" he said opening the front door. As soon as the sound of keys and heavy steps reached my father's ears he was already coming down of the first set of stairs.
As soon as I caught sight of him I felt the impulse to grasp at my wand but I did my best to remain relaxed. I had managed to find him and come here again after years and I couldn't mess it up.
"I have to admit when you first contacted me I was stupefied, you changed your mind very easily"
"I didn't change my mind, not really, I'll explain everything later" I said and I thought I saw a different light in his eyes for a second but that could've probably been an illusion.
"You have no idea many strings I had to pull to be able to be here"
"But you're here now..." I said forcing the most sincere smile I could.
"You look... different" he said his eyes meticulously analyzing me and I felt every second of him gazing at my body that looked very different in normal clothes rather than the school uniform.
"More grown up, I'm not a child anymore" I said. and I didn't know if that was the same for him but just saying that brought back a lot of unpleasant memories from my childhood.
"Yes, that's probably it..." he hesitated for a moment "do you wanna go upstairs and freshen up... rest... or do you want a drink with your old father" he said just like that, just like he didn't even recall how he used to treat me.
"Hum... I wouldn't refuse a drink but I'd rather go freshen up a little before dinner, it's been a long journey" I said not really ready to spend more time with him for the moment.
"I'll see you for dinner then" he staid smiling at me like he was actually happy I was there.
"Sure" I said and slowly walked upstairs doing my best to try to look relaxed and not like I only wanted to put all the possible distance between me and him.
As soon as I was out of his sight and inside my old room, which still looked like the one of a pre-teen girl, I allowed myself to take a deep breath, my hand on my chest feeling it rise and fall assured me that air was actually filling my lungs.
"Miss are you okay?" Ogg's voice made my heart rate pick up speed all at once as I hadn't noticed he was still in there when I had closed the door.
"Yes, yes I'm alright, Ogg" I said "I'm sorry I hadn't noticed you were in here."
"I thought you might wanted help setting your things back in your room" he was always so caring and sweet to me that it hurt me to have to discharge him so quickly but I had more important things to attend to.
"Oh no Ogg, don't worry about that, I'll be okay doing it on my own, you surely already are very busy without me adding to that" I said and opened the door again for him to leave.
I took my suitcase and my bag from his hands and gently said "you can go, I'll do just fine". I smiled from cheek to cheek as I knew he would worry about me too much if I hadn't.
"Call if you need anything" he said.
"I always do" I smiled.
He closed the door behind himself on the way out and seconds after I let my body fall on the softness of my old bed.
I felt a rush of sharp pain coming up from the back of my neck and pervading my skull. I whimpered but tried with all myself to fight it back. That couldn't keep happening, I wondered how would I have been able to explain it to my father if that happened in front of him.
I clenched my fists and dug my nails deep into my palms, if pain could be fought with other pain that was what I was going to do.
I held my breath until it passed to avoid making any noise at all, once I thought the worst was over I moved from the bed with a great effort and started scribbling a note on a piece of parchment to send to Dumbledore, he had said in his letter that he only wanted to be alerted when I had found him and then he would contact me some other way so I did as he asked.
I put a few words on parchment telling him about the situation and adding something about the pain I had experienced begging him to check on Severus. I entrusted the note to my owl and sent it out of the window nervously wishing none would walk in on me.
I tried to ignore every thought of Severus that imperiously sought my attention and started putting away my stuff into my old wardrobe trying to make it fit. My room was never very tidy I was more of a messy person but for now the only thing I had control on was what was happening in between those four walls so I held on to that as comfort and organized things perfectly and easy to reach just as I would've liked them in my life.
While I finished saving up my clothes I hadn't relaxed at all and the noise of steps coming up the stairs made all my body tense. I didn't want him there, that had to be my safe space and if he came in there that couldn't happen.
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves just before the door swung open and I turned around to see who that was, as if I didn't already know.
"You settled down quickly" he said walking and lazily looking around the room.
"It was my room already after all"
"Yes only that you haven't been using it, why?"
I gulped, Ogg kept the house in religiously good conditions but he had noticed anyway.
"It just didn't feel right to live here without mom" I said "and you... at least one of you is here now" I added hoping that would suffice to persuade him.
"Where have you been living then?" He said taking the few steps that separated us.
"I- I rented a place in London, close to the place I've been working at while you were... away"
He looked disgusted and pissed and I knew nothing good was going to come out of that but I didn't have the coolness to make up a lie right away and also I didn't want to risk lying on the spot because I didn't want him to have more suspects than he already did.
"With... muggles" he said as if just the thought of me living and working amongst them like a muggle filled him with loathing.
"Yes..." as soon as the sound left my lips the hard and edgy back of his palms hit my cheek once but powerfully enough to make my eyes brim with tears and whimper in pain as soon as his family ring cut through my skin.
"I'm sorry dad" I said feeling the humiliation in having to say that, but that was the only thing I could do if I didn't want him to go any further.
"Hope the Dark Lord never finds out" he said and left the room followed by a loud bang of the door leaving me alone with red, burning eyes and the skin of my face still remembering the hard contact with the back of his hand.
I knew there was no shame in what I had done, my mother was dead, he had never been much of a father and he was in Azkaban, I didn't have anyone and I had managed to survive even though that meant spending my summer working in a muggle place.
Despite knowing all that every time he hit me the only thing I could feel was humiliation, like I had dishonored him, like I could never in a million years do something that he would consider right even though what I had done had made me survive until that day while he was locked up in his cell.
I took a step towards my bed and sat on it keeping my eyes closed to avoid crying and my hand on my cheek. I regretted the decision to help Dumbledore, maybe I couldn't do it, it was too much for me.
"Miss Sue..."
"I'm okay, it's fine" I said wiping tears from under my eyes.
"You've just got here and it... it's not fine"
"Ogg, I'm fine, please leave me alone, I'm sorry, just call me for dinner"
"Dinner is in ten minutes, Miss"
"It's just Sue for you, I don't care how many times he wants to slap me"
"No miss, I won't be responsible for that" he said closing the door.
I used those ten minutes to calm down and mend the cut. I had been there for a few hours and I had already earned that, I wondered what would've happened until September.
Through the first half of dinner the mood was so tensed I almost thought I could see sparks of electricity between us in the air. I had to do something because I couldn't blow everything up so soon, I didn't know what to say though. It was like I didn't know him, I only knew when his hands were going to slap me, hit me or push me against a wall.
I decided to go with school stuff, that should've stayed neutral "you know I'm doing very good in Hogwarts dad..."
"Are you?" He asked like he firmly believed I couldn't have been doing anything good at all.
"Yes... I- I'm good at every subject especially potions and charms... Actually I have been Snape's assistant all year" I said casually hoping that would give me some points, he was a death eater after all and head of slytherin.
"Now, now... having some second thoughts, aren't we?" He said ironically.
"You were probably right Dad, slytherin would've suited me better, I feel like I'm wasted potential in gryffindor..."
"What about that Potter boy... you seemed to be very determined in keeping him alive when I came at school that night" he said scrutinizing me curious about my reply but at that very moment I had a great idea, perhaps the thing that could've earned me his trust if not completely at least a starting point.
"I didn't like you Dad... when I was younger, I didn't understand all you did to me was to teach me... educate me" I said taking a sip from my glass and savoring for a few seconds his expression of absolute dismay.
"I got close to Harry it's true, but I did it to help you, after I rejected you that night I earned his complete trust. He won't question my allegiance ever again, next year I could get even closer because this is exactly what you need, you need to know the right time to strike and now you have someone who can tell you..." I said, his eyes shone as he followed my speech "dad if we manage to do this you could become the most trusted death eater. The Dark Lord would give you the immense power and the glory you deserve after all this is over and he can finally raise to power".
Exerting a little leverage on his vanity was the only chance I really had to bring him on my side, as every other of his companions, the most important things for him was to please his master and be rewarded for that.
He looked at me without saying a word, for some time, chewing silently on his mouthful. Panic threatened to have the best of me if he hadn't believed me and I was already trying to think about how I could've fixed a mess like that until he spoke.
"I'm so glad your rebellious phase is over and you have finally come to your right mind. Now you are finally becoming the daughter I deserve." He said nodding slowly in approval.
Even though that was all a lie I had been dreaming of hearing him say those words since I was little. I needed my dad's approval more than anyone else's and now I was finally getting it on a lie.
"Thanks dad, I want to help you, now I know which is my place"
"We have great plans for you too honey" the pet name made me cringe because he only used them when something bad was going to happen to me but at that particular moment he looked very satisfied.
"I can't wait to fulfill my part in this" I said.
We finished eating and he insisted to have a drink together, a toast to our newly found bond. I didn't know how he had the nerve to call it bond when we hadn't had any news of each other for years while he was in Azkaban but I wasn't surely going to make him notice that. I did my part, raised my glass and met his midair in a toast with a big smile displayed on my face.
I had never seen my father this happy around me, it was like he had just won the triwizard tournament and for a moment my heart ached. If only I could've been more like him, I could've truly believed in what he believed, I could've made it into slytherin and we could've been a family long before.
However every time I smiled the sting that came from the cut on my cheek reminded me of the truth and kept me grounded in the belief that there wasn't anything I could do or say that would make me actually believe what I had just told him.

A/N yeah, as you probably had figured out I forgot to update 😂😂 sooo... this has been sitting in the drafts for ever but it's here now😅. I hope you enjoyed it and look forward to the next. Also thank you for 600+ views, even if it's just three people reading it in loop, I am fine with it 😅 thank you ❤️