𝘼 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙

Reasons to live

Tw: sexual abuse,
please skip this if you're sensitive

Is he even asleep? Did I let my hand slip a little too much? God I hope he's not dead... Could it even happen?
My thoughts were racing nonsensical as I checked my father's breathing. I had been slipping sleeping draught in his scotch all evening hoping it would help me making him fall into deep sleep. The way his head had fallen to the side of the armchair in the middle of a sentence though had me worried, I hoped I hadn't put too much. Anyway his breathing was steady so I lost no time and asked Ogg to manage getting him into bed as I was quite sure he wouldn't have woken up until morning. He was very condescending and averted his gaze as I went out to be able to say he hadn't seen me leaving just in case.
Ogg was the only reason I hadn't lost my mind all those years and even more then when I was back at living with my father. I had always hoped I could do something to express my gratitude, but I, like him, simply didn't have anything material to give so the only thing I could do was trying to make him understand I cared about him with small gestures. I sent him, or brought him, his favorite sweets for his birthday, once I surprised him gifting him with one of my paintings he liked so much. He in return looked after me during my dark times, he forced me out to the country side when I was too overwhelmed by life to function properly because he knew I was renewed by a couple of hours strolling or laying carelessly on the grass and he always came with me to visit my mother's grave. He was the only reassuring thing in my life and thinking about how grateful I was to have him at least made my walk to the designated place on Dumbledore's map less lonely.
I looked at the bright red dot which indicated where I needed to get and I controlled I was walking in the right direction by following the little green dot on the enchanted parchment which signaled my position. I had no idea which incantation he had used to make it but I was so grateful I didn't have to get there on my own as my orientation skills were very rudimentary and I surely would've gotten lost in the darkness of the night in which the silent lands that surrounded Avery's Mansion were immersed.
I stopped as with my great surprise I saw that the red and the green dot were now almost one over the other which meant I should've been close but from where I was, on top of that windy hill, I could see absolutely no place that Dumbledore could've chosen as the place of our meeting... actually I couldn't see anything but the silhouette of a big tree. Actually, looking more carefully I saw a dim light that seemed to be coming from inside the tree. I stood still sizing the situation, pondering whether I should've gotten closer or not. I grabbed my wand even though perfectly aware I wasn't allowed magic outside of Hogwarts but I wouldn't have hesitated to use it if it was for my defense. The dim light flickered a couple of times and I finally decided to go see if that was actually Dumbledore or I was getting myself in some kind of trouble.
Walking closer and my sight being helped by the flickering dim light I saw a cavity in the trunk. I cringed at the idea of getting in there but I did anyway even though the darkness, as the dim light faded away, didn't allow me to see a pretty big hole in the ground and I fell right through it.
Despite not being able to quantify the amount of time I had been falling I assumed it mustn't have been quite long as I landed on an unexpectedly soft surface.
Once my eyes adjusted to the dim warm light I was able to distinguish Dumbledore's figure sitting at a small table and the second information hitting me was that I had fallen on a small bed placed right underneath the hole which, as I turned to face it, had disappeared.
"Was that light..."
"My Patronus, yes" he anticipated me "I'm glad you were able to make it here, did you encounter any difficulty?"
I shook my head lightly "what is this place?"
"Just a burrow we used for members of the Order who needed a place to hide"
"the old crowd...?" I whispered as I was still trying to add the missing pieces to my puzzle and this piece of information matched perfectly.
"Yes, the Order of the Phoenix, miss Avery" he said looking quite impressed by how quickly I had made the connection. Little did he know that focusing on putting every piece back in the puzzle was the only thing that was keeping me sane.
"How is it going, Sue?" he asked carefully seeing my reluctance to bring up the matter.
"I'm managing, but he hasn't told me anything yet, not even mentioned the Dark Lord or any Death Eater's name that I recognized, it's like he is on summer vacation too..." I said irritated. He sighed probably expecting better news but, to me, no news was better than bad news.
"Are you sure he trusts you, Sue?"
"I think he trusts me, Professor" I said sitting at the table opposite to him "I convinced him I am on his side. He is not as careful as he was around me, he thinks we're friends because we drink scotch together at night" I said but the tone of my voice betrayed a hint of disgust.
He seemed to fail to process a response so he replied with another question, perhaps the one to which he feared the answer, "is he hurting you?" He asked discreetly pointing at some bruises on my collarbones and my harms slightly uncovered by my shortsleeved T-shirt. I instinctively undid my ponytail and covered the bruises with my hair, hiding had always been something I did out of shame for never being able to stop him.
"Does it surprise you? I had to give him something in exchange for his trust" I smiled even though it was bitter to admit.
"What have you done?"
"I told him what he wanted to hear, I used my gift to its maximum potential"
"You'll have to explain this to me..."
I sighed "the night I arrived while we were having dinner I read his mind, I told him what he wanted to hear from me, he wanted me to acknowledge all he did to me he did for me, to teach me, to educate me... Just as any father would, right? So I told him that... I told him I understood now that I had grown up, that he was right in everything he did, he was right in wanting me to get into slytherin and joining his side, the dark side, but I somehow managed to convince him that I could help him more from Gryffindor... that I had gotten close to Harry just so that I could help him..." as I said that last sentence out loud some part of the sternly controlled facade I had put on cracked and I found myself sobbing and gasping for air just so that I could finish my narration "and now he resumed educating me like he did before Azkaban but now I have to thank him for teaching me and being such a good father" I said horrified by my own words as they weren't as scary as long as I didn't say them out loud but just in my head.
"I'm sorry... believe me Sue" he looked shattered like he held himself accountable for what was happening to me.
"Don't be... I've never heard him telling me how proud he is of me as he does now" I smiled even though nothing about it made me happy.
"This is our second meeting without any progress, you have to hold on just one more month, do you think you can do it? I will find a way to get you out of this if you can't continue but this would be very hard and you will have to live hiding all the time..."
"I already live hiding all the time, sir" I sighed wiping my tears away from my cheeks "anyway I'll continue until I understand if I can really find out something or until he does more than I can take..." I smiled and lowered my eyes because his pained expression was too much and I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault but I didn't find it in myself to do it.
We got up almost simultaneously and he wanted to give me some comfort and patted my shoulder lightly but the contact caught me unprepared and also hit a sensitive spot on my clavicle making me groan in pain.
"Enough, lie down..." he said sighing.
I hesitated but then did as he ordered because I really didn't think he meant any harm. The soft surface was comforting and stopping for a moment I found out how tired I actually was, not so physically tired but more emotionally. Every time I wasn't with my father it was like I was allowed to feel all that I was concealing from him.
I heard Dumbledore mumbling something under his breath and I was pervaded by a fresh sensation, not cold, not displeasing, but fresh in a quite warm summer night. I also felt lighter like I was kind of levitating just inches away from the bed and then the feeling passed all at once.
As I reopened my eyes my shoulder, along with my clavicle, that had been hurting for days suddenly didn't give me any pain anymore and I had properly and completely regained function of my arm.
"Better?" He asked with a halfhearted smile.
"Well, yes, definitely... thank you" I said and he raised his wand again aiming to some cuts on my cheek that wouldn't heal naturally even though they weren't serious wounds because he kept cutting them open with his ring every time he hit me.
"Professor, no" I stopped him, I knew he only wanted to help but I didn't want my father to notice and maybe he could not notice about the shoulder but some cuts on my cheek were too exposed to risk it "he could notice, he often is drunk but he could still notice and I don't want to risk him hitting me more severely than he already does."
"I wish I could do more" he said.
"Don't abandon me..." I stared at him in the eyes to make the message clear "don't skip any of our meetings and check on Snape, really check on him..."
"I won't abandon you miss Avery" he said using my surname for when he was talking more seriously.
I nodded "then we're fine".
He offered me his arm so that we could apparate outside of the burrow and as soon as we were out he said "should things get out of hand, this is a safe place miss Avery" he said and I got the message.
He soon disappareted leaving me alone on a hill at night. I started walking my way back to Avery's Mansion hiding Dumbledore's map folding it carefully into a tiny piece of parchment that fitted perfectly in my bra and I started going over some alibis to justify me not being inside in case something had gone wrong with the sleeping draught and my father was awake. I had brought a book and a night light before leaving the house so I hoped he would be convinced I had gone to read under the stars... after all he had always said I was a strange girl for doing this so he should have been easy to convince.
Fortunately when I opened the door everything was dark and quiet telling me my father was asleep and my heart could stop racing. I myself entered my room and literally threw myself on the bed giving in to the exhaustion of the adrenaline fading.
The following days passed quite calmly, all I did was read in the backyard while trying to keep an eye on any change of my father's behavior that could indicate something to me. Episodes of pain caused by mine and Severus's connection had become more bearable and less frequent even though I didn't know if that was permanent or just a phase. I had been researching on healing magic and had found pretty good sources in the mansion's library, after all my grandpa hadn't been as useless as I thought.
I had started slipping sleeping draught in my father's evening drink almost every night so that I could try to avoid the time where he was the most violent that was when he was drunk or almost... he got very touchy with me and always told me I could've been the double of my mother if it wasn't for the hair. To that, the best solution seemed to me to put him too bed before he could get too drunk even though my stocks of sleeping draught were being consumed very fast and there still were a few weeks before going back to Hogwarts.
That particular morning I was torn from the comfortable numbness of sleep by someone entering into my room therefore I shoot up and my eyes raced around the room for any source of immediate danger but I only found my father and even though his presence in there was always alarming to me I did my best to look relaxed.
"Oh you're up, perfect"
"Yes, yes... what is it?" I asked still a little alarmed.
"Tonight" he said "tonight you'll take part to a meeting" he continued solemnly like it was the most important thing that was going to happen to me in all my life.
"T-tonight" I stuttered completely taken aback by the news which I was not expecting at all.
"Yes, at the Malfoy's, don't be scared, I'm going to be there with you" he said, his eyes shining dangerously and somehow the thought that he would've been with me wasn't calming my nerves.
I smiled anyway "I'm looking forward to tonight".
I spent the rest of the day very tensed, every time I heard a noise that I couldn't identify straight away my heart started thumping in my chest faster and stronger. At some point I decided to go outside in my mother's greenhouse to take care of her plants. Ogg had been doing it for those years I refused to step foot in that house but given I had to be there anyway I thought I could take care of the greenhouse and take it from his hands, he was always so busy spinning around trying to get everything done.
As soon as I entered the warmth and humidity of the place brought back all the memories of my mother and oddly enough also the time I had showed this place to Snape while we were seeing a memory.
I shook my head as if it would send away that thought, that place was for my mum only.
I went straight to the section of my interest, the persian lilies, the only tangible proof of my mother's existence. If it wasn't for them and the fact she named me after them I would've doubted she had ever even existed. Her face was starting to fade from my memory, if it hadn't been for a few photos she might've already disappeared completely. Funny how easy it was to forget her but it was impossible to forget what my father used to do to me, of course I was always reminded of that living with him in his house but this was my mother's house too and yet the memories I had with her weren't as vivid.
I looked carefully at every flower, checked that they were as healthy and beautiful as I wanted them to be and of course they were, Ogg was pretty much aware of the fact that perhaps the things I cared about the most in my life were in that glasshouse and he also cared about me so I knew he was taking extra care of all those plants. Even though of course he wasn't able to be everywhere every second so other plants were less cared after. I gathered all of those who needed an intervention and started working on them one by one. Some just needed a trim while others needed to be repotted but I was in no rush, on the contrary I needed this distraction to ease my mind from the terrifying perspective of the evening.
I abruptly stopped working on a plant as I heard the door opening and I realized I had never stopped doing this since one time, only one time, he had found me there without my mother and what happened after... I realized I could bury it as deep as I wanted but just the sound of the door opening when I wasn't expecting it would bring it back like it had happened just yesterday.
Seeing me suddenly drop the utensils I was using like I had been caught doing something that I shouldn't have been doing my father eyed me suspiciously for a second.
"Sorry, I was concentrated I didn't hear you coming" I said as a poor excuse because his thoughts told me he remembered too.
"I came to say they're coming"
"Here?" I said trying not to seem like the idea disturbed me even if it did, a lot.
"Yes, we had to reschedule because some of us thought the time and place of our meeting wasn't private anymore..."
The blood in my veins froze and my heart missed several beats while I thought about the letters I had sent to Dumbledore communicating the progress. What if he knows? He doesn't seem like he knows, he'd be angrier for sure.
Thank goodness I hadn't been stupid enough to sign it, I had only wrote the essentials "tonight, Malfoy Manor, 10 p.m." and now they knew, I wondered how, none of my messages had been caught before.
"Oh well I'll be ready in a second" I said leaving all that I was doing to go up to my room. While walking beside him I got chills but he didn't notice, fortunately.
"Dress nicely" he ordered.
"Yes" I said not even stopping to look at him and went straight to get myself cleaned up. I started undressing in the bathroom near my room while I was waiting for the water to turn warm, even though it was summer I couldn't stand showering with cold water.
I had a nice shower but a little rushed because I couldn't spend all the time I wanted in there but I did spend a few extra minutes under the running water trying to detangle my hair which had become a little bushy and more tangled than usual because of the humidity in the greenhouse. I was very tensed, it was easily proven by the fact I couldn't even hold my brush firmly because it kept falling from my shaking hands, and I couldn't figure out whether that was because of the fact I was scared in general or by the fact I probably would've seen Severus for the first time since I had left Hogwarts. That thought made stomach twirl and a lump formed in my throat just thinking about the reaction he surely wouldn't have showed but would've had. Once I got out of the shower I hugged my body with a towel, I closed my eyes and tried to calm down a little, I had been a bundle of nerves that past week and that was starting to show as when I had that reaction to my father coming into the greenhouse. I shook my head to try and disperse the mist that clouded my mind, I couldn't make any mistake, this was a crucial moment to determine what was my role in all of this and what was going to happen to Severus.
I dressed with a long sleeved black dress which I thought would've suited the dress code of the other participants, despite the warm summer evening, and went downstairs just to catch my father talking to Lucius Malfoy. He had brought Draco with him who looked absolutely terrified by the whole situation, he is practically a child what is he thinking.
Coming down the stairs I might have caught his attention because Draco couldn't get his eyes off me until eventually my father and his noticed and both turned to face me. I went next to my father and composedly said "Hello Draco, Mr. Malfoy"
"Then you really are a spy" Draco mumbled horrified but before me or my father could say anything his father hit his foot with his cane very hard and he whimpered and stood on only one leg.
"Draco, where are your manners, treat the ladies like ladies" Lucius said never breaking eye contact with his piercing blue eyes and kissing the back of my hand a little too flirtatiously than I liked so I quickly took it back.
"Thank you Mr Malfoy, Draco is actually right..." I admitted.
"Well, at least you're contributing to the cause" Lucius continued apparently determined to defend me but the reason was unknown to me as I kept safely out of their minds in case some of them noticed. Why he was so nice to me was a mystery of its own given he knew pretty well the relationship between me and my father was troubled and had been even more since my mother had died.
"Ah Severus!" Malfoy said as he removed his gaze from me to fix his ice blue eyes on the dark figure at the door.
It was probably one of the hottest days in summer, I was actually regretting my dress choice and he still went around in total black and with that heavy cloak of his. Once he walked inside as Ogg held the door for him his eyes finally adjusted to the rather less luminous inside of the house and got stuck on me, the last person he imagined to see there. Surprise was clear to me not because it showed but because the minute I laid my eyes on him again for the first time in more than a month every feeling I had ever had for him came me back just as powerful and our connection immediately strengthened.
"Lucius..." he said even though his greeting wasn't very warm for someone who's trying to get back the Dark Lord's trust considering Lucius and my father were now his closest servants "Adrian" he said now addressing my father.
"Severus, I knew you helped my daughter to get Harry Potter's trust, in all this time who could've known you were still faithful, I believe that the Dark Lord will understand when we will tell it to him, won't he little one?" He said turning slightly to look at me, I wasn't expecting any questions, nor I wanted any, the way Severus looked at me like he was deeply disappointed made me weak and scared like not even my father could do.
"Yes, father, Professor Snape has guided me very well and I'm sure the Dark Lord will recognize our effort"
"Yes, yes, I'm confident this is going to be a very eventful night" he said excited like a kid opening presents on Christmas "You wait here for now little one, I'll call when you can come in... and Severus.." he said turning back to him "I think it's necessary that you wait as well, this is a delicate matter to address."
He chewed on the inside of his cheek out of irritation for how he was being treated but he finally simply nodded. When my father and Malfoy were gone, after he had forbidden Draco to participate probably thinking that if things became heated he didn't want him there, my heart started thumping in my chest so fast and loud that I had to try to casually lean against the wall because I felt overwhelmed. I realized that it wasn't just the fear but also that he had let go of his occlumency shield, he wasn't shutting me out.