𝘼 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙

can you hold me?

I hurried down the corridors to get to the Room of Requirements earlier so i could discuss with Harry what we were going to practice because i had had not even a second free of the presence of Severus that i could use to think about it.
As much as he was being generous to help me organize my mind so that it was harder to read, in case the Dark Lord was able to get past my defenses, I found that having someone else constantly lurking around was beyond depleting. As proof of that we had to declare a break just a few days before Christmas thinking we had accomplished enough for the time being, since there was no real threat yet, because we had both been drained by it.
I opened the door and found Harry struggling to take down from the walls and ceilings what seemed to be Christmas decorations.
"You should leave them... the other might like the atmosphere" i said, deliberately sneaking up on him because he had not heard me come in.
"oh no, they don't want this atmosphere" He said pointing at a banner that said HAVE A VERY HARRY CHRISTMAS!
"yeah well maybe it's a little too self centered..." I joked.
"i didn't put it there... it was Dobby..." he snarled.
"oh well, he really appreciates you, i think it's sweet" i said.
"yeah whatever help me take this down before anyone sees it" he said pointing at the other end of it so i finally helped him.
"I meant to ask you what you thought we should practice today with the others... i have no idea and i haven't had time to think about it..."
"Snape?" he asked implying he must have been the bane of my existence.
"not really, just preparing for Christmas with my father... it's going to be intense." i admitted.
"I'm so sorry I hope you could come with us at the Burrow" he said.
"I'll be okay... now, DA meeting, what do we do?" i switched back on the more pressing issues.
"I was thinking just overall practice, go over everything we've done already... Impediment spells, stunning spells..." he said almost looking bored.
"oh yeah, sounds good, can't wait to demonstrate stunning spells on Zacharias again" I said already savoring the moment.
"yeah he's a little bit unnerving" Harry laughed.
"you're being too kind to him... he's a pain in the ass" i declared.
The first to arrive where Luna, Cho and Marietta and Harry started behaving weirdly around her almost immediately... How could he be so awkward, it was pretty plain that Cho liked him, why was he acting like he didn't know...
"you should ask her out before you leave for Christmas, or at least you have to do it as soon as you get back" I whispered.
"stop reading my mind, please" he said covering his ears like that could help.
"It was unnecessary, you're the tiniest step away from drooling when you look at her" I said.
"I'm not..." he tried to defend himself but was interrupted by the last people joining in.
"Good evening everyone, this is our last meeting before Christmas break so me and Sue thought we would use this time to test what we actually learned during this meeting, practicing once more all we've done up until today" he explained looking almost comfortable talking to a crowd of 30.
"we ought to start with the Impediment curse, for about ten minutes and we'll move on to Stunning" I added looking at Harry for confirmation and he nodded.
They all divided up as usual, Neville partnered Harry and the room was soon full of cries of "Impedimenta!" while i was going around just looking at people freeze for a minute or so.
After ten minutes on the Impediment Jinx, we laid out cushions all over the floor and started practicing Stunning again.
"Sue can you show it again? I don't think i got it quite right last time" George said from the back of the group.
"Very funny, not a chance, you can watch the others doing it..." I said feeling merciful enough to spare the ravenclaw boy from falling on his ass again.
"Go on then, start" I encouraged them.
Halfway through the first set of successful stuns I looked around for Harry and found him in the back with a proud smile on his face.
Neville had improved more than me or Harry would've deemed possible, even with stunning spells he did hit Padma rather than Dean at whom he had been aiming, but it was a closer miss than usual.
"Can you believe that we did this?" I asked leaning to the wall beside him.
"I never would've believed I could do this..." he said "and i probably couldn't have done it without you" he continued looking at me.
"don't be stupid, you would've done just fine" I said.
"When will this stop?"
"What?" I asked not understanding what his tone was about.
"When will you stop believing that you existing or not wouldn't change anything in the lives of people around you?" he asked.
"I- I don't think that, why would you think I think that?!" i said.
"because you can't see you made actual magic happen here... you taught everyone something that might one day save their life and still you act as if your being here and putting effort into this didn't make any difference" he said, with a hint of anger in his tone.
"Well thank you... for making me realize it does make a difference, I am proud that you thought so highly of me to include me in this" I said realizing that maybe he saw me and it hadn't all been just a risky way to waste my time.
"You are an exceptionally gifted witch, Sue... and an even better person" he said.
"thank you... you are too, Harry, a very special person and a great friend" I said and I meant every word.
At the end of an hour Harry called a halt.
"You're getting really good," he said, beaming around at them. "When we get back from the holidays we can start doing some of the more complicated stuff... maybe even Patronuses."
There was a murmur of excitement. The room began to clear in the usual twos and threes; I stayed to help Harry collect cushions and stacking them away.
"you better not leave here before you ask her out, Potter, I mean it" i whispered at him giving him a nod in Cho's direction.
"stop... she's probably going to leave before i get the chance anyway..."
"no way, I'm leaving now which leaves you two alone at last... make me proud" i said giving him a playful wink.
"I'll see you in the common room..." he sighed looking like he dreaded the idea of making a move on her but he was really just scared. Boys...
He returned to the common room half an hour later looking rather surprised of finding me, Ron and Hermione there. One was lying on the hearthrug while me and Hermione sat the table.
"Are you alright? you like you're in shock..." I said and it made Hermione lift her eyes pausing on the letter she was writing.
"Did you do it?" I reiterated.
"Not precisely..." he said. What does that even mean?
"What happened?" Ron asked.
"Did you kiss?" questioned Hermione with a slight frown. Harry just nodded.
"Well?" Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?". Harry considered for a moment.
"Wet," he said truthfully "she was crying..." he continued heavily.
"Because you're that bad at kissing?" asked Ron. Harry gave a shrug "maybe I am..." 
"of course you are not..." I said trying to find comforting words "I mean I have seen her cry more than a few times at this point.. I thought since the way she was eyeing you at the meeting that she was ready to move forward but maybe she's still conflicted about her feelings for you, maybe it just needs a little more time" I said.
"why would she be conflicted?" said Ron incredulously.
Hermione sighed and laid down her quill.
"Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry... she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful."
A stunned silence greeted the end of her little dive into Cho's mind.
"One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." said Ron.
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione nastily.
"but she kissed me" protested Harry.
"well yes, Harry, but you still get to choose if this was enough or maybe you wanna give her another chance" i said "i mean she could understand she deserves to be happy and she's not betraying Cedric for liking you... maybe you could help her understand that" I continued.
"I don't know, I mean I wanted her to enjoy herself if we went somewhere together... not cry..." he said considering.
"maybe she will Harry... some people need more time than others..." I said.
"well I'm going to sleep, Sue, are you coming?" Hermione asked finally giving her quill a rest.
"I am kind of tired actually, yeah" I said as i was only noticing the fatigue as soon as she mentioned sleep.
"Goodnight guys" I said giving a warm smile to them. "Goodnight" Hermione echoed.
" 'Night" Ron and Harry said simultaneously.
As soon as I was in bed even though i was really tired the fear of what was going to happen at home with my father for Christmas took over. I was terrified of him, Malfoy, Voldemort... I was scared of the creaking board right before my father was about to come into my room, his rings, his scotch, his anger.
I tried to suppress those feelings and thoughts, empty my mind, control my emotions... I knew how to do that so well, with my mind starting to get its own shape thanks to Severus's help, i felt like that was the safe place to be, the secret garden in my mind, with all that my mom used to love... Aconite, Hellebore, Asphodel, Niffler's Fancy, snowdrop and of course my mother's beloved black lilies.
The power i felt in knowing exactly where every information was but knowing nobody but me could tell gave me such a sense of control i had probably never felt before.
However I was still only able to control this composed representation for a limited amount of time. Whenever disruptive feelings resurfaced i lost control of it and it made me more vulnerable.
What if I make a mess... I will get myself killed, I'll get Severus killed too... I need a back up plan so that i can try to do something before it's too late, alert someone, or just hide if i don't want to be found.
An image of Sirius as a black dog at the train station flashed in my mind... Disguise, of course.
I sat upright on the bed and tried to make no noise while getting out of the room. It probably wasn't too late yet, I could still try to talk to her judging from the flickering light filtering from underneath the door. I knocked and seconds later a McGonagall in her nightgown and without glasses making her look more inquisitive opened the door.
"Avery, what is happening? why aren't you in bed?" she asked her voice stern but worried because she liked me but i was breaking the rules after all.
"I need your help" I said and she immediately let me in.
"here have a cup of tea, it's still warm" she said putting a cup in my hands and gestured for me to sit as she sat in front of me.
"I want to become an Animagus" I said hastily.
"oh..." she didn't expect that and that much was plain because i had never seen her at a loss for words "why..."
"I just... I don't feel safe going home to my father, I need a way to sneak out every once in a while when i need it without him noticing" I said being completely truthful since in my perfect plan i had forgotten to fabricate a believable lie to tell her.
"the process for this is long, complicated, many many things could go wrong and there's no way back if they do..." she considered probably trying to dissuade me.
"yeah, i know it could take months and i know it's too late for Christmas, i just hope that i will be able to finish before summer break" I sighed "last summer... well, it was hard and i really tried, I took all the slaps and everything and I even thanked him for it but i need to not be trapped in my room all the time, it feels like i can't breathe there after a while" I said.
"You don't have to go back to him..." she tried "you could... I could help you figure something out, I have a small house nearby that i used to live in before my husband died... i could give it to you or you could stay there with me" she offered and I realized I never even knew she was married and yet she was offering me a place to stay.
"it's very kind and i appreciate it but there's no possible future where i don't go back home and live to see another day at Hogwarts, professor" I said.
She stayed silently pondering, i could feel thoughts forming and fading behind her eyes as she tried to find an alternative. After a few minutes of me looking hopefully at her she sighed deeply "well, i suppose i'll have to help you then, there's more chances of it working out if i help you than if you attempt to do it alone." she said looking at me "because I'm assuming you were going to do it either way, weren't you?" she asked raising her eyebrow at me.
"yes, I would've... but it's less scary with you" I admitted.
"vey well, dear-" she was cut off by impatient knocks on the door "what is it with everyone tonight..." she whispered to herself getting up to go answer it.
"Professor McGonagall! you have to come, i-it's Harry... he-he's not doing well.." said a scared Neville with a more evident stutter.
"Calm down dear, what is happening?" McGonagall asked.
"I don't know we just woke up because we-we heard him moving so much in his bed and when he woke up he started saying someone was in danger, R-Ron's father" he said with great struggle. She shot me a glance and left at once so i followed her, after all she hadn't told me not to.
"What is it, Potter?" she asked seeing him all sweaty and trembling "where does it hurt?"
"I'm fine, it's Ron's dad" he said struggling even to sit up on the bed  "He's been attacked by a snake and it's serious, I saw it"
"What do you mean you saw it?" McGonagall asked.
"in a dream but it was real i swear it really happened, you have to believe me, i can't explain how i know but it's true... please we have to do something now..." he cried.
"put on a dressing gown Potter, we're going to see the headmaster" she said motioning with her arms for him to hurry.
Professor McGonagall rapped three times with the griffin knocker and the door opened on its own accord revealing a dimly lit room, portraits dozing off on the wall as well as Fanny on its perch.
McGonagall started explaining what had happened just moments before to Dumbledore who was listening attentively in silence but as soon as she called it a nightmare Harry interrupted her to say it wasn't a nightmare and everything was real.
Harry started trying to make himself clear but he struggled getting the words out into speech and he sounded confused. Dumbledore did not seem particularly concerned until he asked "where you were positioned as you watched this attack happen?"
"it was like i was the snake..." harry confessed and i got feelings of fear, pain and regret in the pit of my stomach making me almost sick. If that was even half of the intensity he was feeling that was enough to make me have to support myself on the bookshelves behind me trying not to attract attention.
"is Arthur seriously injured?" asked Dumbledore gravely.
"yes" stressed Harry.
I noticed Ron's grey complexion and i gave his arm a light squeeze, just to let him know i was there for him, not that he needed it but i still felt like support was never too much when you were probably about to lose a parent.
At this point Dumbledore was pacing back and forth giving instructions to the portraits and then he made chairs appear for all of us. I was pretty surprised he hadn't asked why i was there which meant i was blending in the background well. The first portrait came back after several minutes of silence "they found him! Dumbledore, he looked bad..." he said "he just arrived at St. Mungo, they carried him under my portrait" said the one that i now recognized as Dilys Derwent and remembered her portrait close to the front desk.
"Thank you," said Dumbledore. He looked around at Professor McGonagall.
"Minerva, I need you to go and wake the other Weasleys"
"of course" she said moving swiftly to the door.
After rummaging in a cupboard for a minute he placed an old teapot on the desk and i could tell neither Ron nor Harry understood how that was the time for tea, but their faces changed once he made it into a portkey.
"Phineas. Phineas." Called Dumbledore impatiently as he waited for the man in the portrait to wake up... I remembered seeing that same portrait at Grimmauld place so he surely wanted to alert Sirius.
Dumbledore talked to him in whispers but I was able to hear that he wanted all the Weasleys to go there to wait for news about their father's condition.
Ginny, Fred and George entered the room filling it with questions for Harry who looked less sweaty than before but not less stressed.
Harry — what's going on?" asked Ginny looking scared.
"What are you doing here?" asked George as he reached my side.
"I was with McGonagall when Neville came looking for help for Harry... it was a coincidence" i whispered and felt like i was justifying myself even though I had no reason to, that was the truth.
"Your father has been injured in the course of his work for the Order of the Phoenix," said Dumbledore before Harry could speak. "He has been taken to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I am sending you back to Sirius's house, which is much more
convenient for the hospital than the Burrow. You will meet your mother there."
"How are we going?" asked Fred, looking shaken "Floo powder?"
"No," said Dumbledore "the network is being watched, you'll use a portkey".
There was a flash of flame in the very middle of the office, leaving behind a single golden feather "Fawkes's warning" said Dumbledore "Minerva... go and head her off in any way".
Once Professor McGonagall was gone again they all gathered around the portkey and after the last recommendation from Dumbledore they were gone with a crack that left the room as silent as ever and made my presence all the more evident.
"Do you wish to tell me how you got caught up in this?" Dumbledore broke the silence.
"I was talking to professor McGonagall when Neville came looking for help" I said again.
"Will professor McGonagall confirm this?" he asked again and it sort of hurt that I didn't even have his trust.
"of course she will..." I sighed "we were discussing something personal, do you want me to say what?"
"it's not necessary, miss Avery. I will check in with her, thank you and goodnight, you can go back to bed" he said dismissively.
"write one of those letters will you? send it after 10 tomorrow morning, it should be enough" he said as I stood up to leave, not being very clear, but confident i would understand.
"yes professor.." i said.
"Miss Avery" he stopped me again "you'll be okay" he said vaguely.
I nodded with a sigh, if you say so, professor...
"goodnight".
The following morning after very little sleep I still got up in the early hours to write the letter about what happened that night to send my father and I stopped at Severus's because I trusted him to read it and tell me if it was okay to send it or if i was saying too much or too little. After i got approval from him i entrusted the letter to my owl and felt immediate relief that it was done and I hadn't messed it up, yet.
I headed to the Transfiguration class to talk to McGonagall more about the process since we were interrupted the night before.
"professor McGonagall... may i come in?" I said slightly peeking from the cracked door.
"of course Avery, come in" she said putting aside whatever she was working on.
"I wanted to thank you for accepting to help me..." i said "I'm so relieved I don't have to do this alone".
"Did you talk to professor Snape about it?" she inquired.
"No... not yet... do i have to?" i said, she sensed i didn't want to tell him.
"We will need his help to prepare the potions that you'll need throughout the process!"she stated.
"oh, well i thought i could make those on my own since i already have the classroom basically just for myself" i said but i knew she wasn't going to let it go.
"why would you need to keep this from him?" she asked, her eyes contracted into thin lines scrutinized me.
Because he will be insufferably listing everything that could go wrong and i don't want to hear it.
"I... No reason, I guess... I'll tell him when i see him" i sighed.
"I will be talking to him, miss Avery, so don't play games" she warned me.
"Yes professor" i subsided leaning back on the chair.
"Well, let's discuss the procedure..." she said pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose "you will first have to hold a mandrake leaf in your mouth from full moon to full moon" she stated like she was reciting it right off of a book.
"a month?!" I asked when i realized a month was a long time to hold one thing in your mouth "how could anyone do that..."
"you will find it won't be easy to eat, talk or sleep... but it is of fundamental importance that it isn't spat out for even a second nor swallowed of course" she said, making too long a pause probably waiting to see if i'd give up the idea already.
"well... then you will need to put the Mandrake leaf in a crystal phial with a strand of your hair, a teaspoon of dew collected from a place that has never been touched by the sun or human feet for the previous seven days-"
"oh this can't be for real..." i said realizing it was going to be harder than i thought.
"you will need to leave this out in a place where it can get the pure rays of the moon" she said slightly annoyed at my frequent interruptions "and then leave it in a quiet place until the next lightning storm".
"so like indefinitely..? could be 3 days as well as 8 months?" i asked.
"well yes, you have to wait for the storm... while you wait you'll have to recite this formula every sunrise and sunset: amato animo animato animagus" she explained "so if you've done everything correctly you'll start feeling a second heartbeat to your own, it'll be the one of whatever animal you're going to turn into..." she said looking thoughtful.
"about that... there's no way to know what said animal will be, is there?" i asked because i need something small and discreet, there was no point into going through all the trouble if i was going to become a wolf or something else of massive size.
"usually, though not always, it would be the same animal as your corporeal Patronus form" she said "what was it...?"
"oh... a barn owl" i said thinking that would be perfect, an owl doesn't attract attention.
"well then it's reasonable to think this will be your animagus form too..." she said.
"i will be able to fly..." i said dreamily between myself.
"oh it will be a skill you'll have to learn, it doesn't come with it like animal senses" McGonagall said harshly.
"i mean if i am able to actually transform... how harder could it be to learn to fly?" i said.
"i suppose the hardest part is completing the process" she sighed looking worried.
"professor... I will take this as seriously as i always did everything in your class. You once told me it is what you appreciated the most in me, outside of the alleged magical ability you saw... Please know that i will be putting my 100% of effort and whatever goes wrong won't be your fault" i said.
"I will make sure nothing goes wrong, miss Avery, even if it means starting over a thousand times" she said "we both are very good witches, we'll succeed" she continued.
"You certainly are... thank you professor... so we shall start after Christmas then?" i asked for confirmation.
"Yes, the first full moon after Christmas put the leaf in your mouth even if you're not back at Hogwarts yet, we'll verify everything went smoothly at the following full moon" she said with resolve.
"yes, ma'am" i said pondering if i should say what i wanted to say next.
"what is it, miss Avery?" she asked noticing i seemed doubtful.
"I am really proud to be following in your footsteps, though I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons, I'm afraid... But you are a great inspiration for me" I confessed.
She smiled almost imperceptibly, but i could tell anyway because her eyes softened as she realized her students cared just as much as she did.
"you will see... An animagus is a companion, a friend and a savior at times" she paused "it will be there to rescue you should you need it to" she said.
I smiled at the thought of it, "thank you professor, i look forward to starting the process" i said.
"please try to be safe..." she said as i approached the door. She wasn't referring to what we had been talking about but she meant once i left school for Christmas.
"I will" i smiled and she nodded.
I took a deep breath because it had already been a challenging morning and stopped for a second. I checked the time but realized there was no time to stop because I already had to run to my appointment with Neville since he had finally decided to ask for help with Potions just days before break.
I paced down the hallways and managed to get there before Neville. I better not let his first interaction be with Severus or he will never reach out again.
I opened the door and found that Severus wasn't there, weirdly, because he was always there. Where else would he be? With Dumbledore maybe?
Sev?
I waited a few seconds hoping to hear him come through the door but everything stayed quiet. He sometimes did disappear on me but for once i tried not to panic and just waited for Neville.
When i heard two feeble knocks on the thick wooden door I already knew it was him. I went to open the door with a smile.
"Hello Neville"
"Hi Sue, thanks for meeting with me right before Christmas, I know you must've had something better to do" he said shily sitting down on a stool at the very last table.
"Oh come on it's just us two, come here" i said gesturing for him to come to the first round of tables.
"right" he chuckled nervously like he wasn't sure Snape wasn't going to jump out of nowhere right in front of him "force of habit".
"Nothing better than a little potion making to help me relax before Christmas break" I said playfully.
It wasn't hard to tell he was nervous but that seemed like a natural state for him. I didn't know what to do exactly to help him stop torturing his hands like he did. I just pulled out a cauldron and a bunch of ingredients.
"So" i said gaining back his attention "you said you wanted to attempt calming draught again but i was thinking... you did fairly well with that and anyway Snape already graded those".
His shoulders sank even lower and I felt bad for him as he already knew the grade was far from satisfying.
"but i thought we could work smarter, not harder, by getting ahead and start on some Pepperup potion... it's the next class you're going to have after Christmas, maybe if we do it together now it'll be more familiar when you'll have to do it in class with Snape" i said.
He suddenly beamed at me and I was glad I was working in the right direction "it would be great to do that with your help, Sue, you're probably going to save my life this year" he said.
"Well then let's get started, shall we?" i asked and he nodded.
"so you wanna start by describing the potion..." i said signaling for him to go on.
"Oh- yes, well, er... P-Pepperup Potion is used to cure common colds and warm up the one who drinks it" he said shily.
"exactly, that's just about it" i said "what about the ingredients... it's fairly simple, nothing to worry about" i assured.
"hum... mandrake root for sure..." he said rubbing his chin as he tried to recall the others.
"just two more" i encouraged him.
"bicorn horn and... huh... jewelweed?" he asked.
"are you asking me or are you telling me?" i teased him a little but with a reassuring smile. He understood right away his answer was correct and sighed in relief "i'm telling you".
"Very well, Neville, you know your potions, you don't even need my help" I said "why don't you get started heating things up, adding the mandrake root and stirring for a few minutes..." i said going over the first steps quickly for him "can you handle that? yes you can... i will be right back" i said as i disappeared in the adjoining store closet.
I was panicking for apparently no reason, my breathing got faster and more superficial as if the panic was just growing bigger and bigger in my chest not leaving any space for my lungs to expand. I felt like i was suffocating and the small, windowless room seemed to be closing in on me. I leaned to one of the stone shelves carved into the wall in a poor attempt of making deeper breaths and trying to loosen my tie with my hand but it was almost impossible since it was too tight and my hand was trembling.
Severus, please calm down... where are you? what is going on...
Whatever happened we can work it out together and we'll come up with a solution. We can fix this, but please calm down...
Nothing I had said worked so i decided to start a breathing exercise and I was going over the instructions in my mind hoping he was listening.
Severus, listen, you need to breathe with me, take a deep breath in... hold... and exhale. However i struggled to let the air in myself.
I finally gave up and sat down on the floor waiting for the symptoms to subside.
I tried again and again with the breathing exercise until i was actually able to do it once. Heartened by the first improvement i continued to go over the same process and in a few minutes i was able to bring my breathing back down to normal. I wiped the cold sweat off my forehead and the back of my neck, grabbed some more mandrake root and went back out of the closet.
"did you get lost in there...? could you come see if i messed it up already?" asked Neville nervously.
"it smells perfectly fine, so my guess is everything is going well... I wanted to get more mandrake root but it seems you scraped just the right amount out of this almost empty jar" i looked up at him with a light smile "this green is the perfect color, just keep stirring until you can see a light green vapor coming up and then add the bicorn horn" I said giving him detailed instructions to soothe his anxiety.
"I think it's amazing Snape allows you to do this... he must really trust you" he tried making conversation.
"well i took Advanced Potions, I think he trusts me to make the easier ones on my own and not mess it up" i chuckled.
"being in that class would be beyond my wildest dreams... I wonder how it is when he doesn't hate you" he said paying closer attention to the potion as it started to fume. I looked at his face and his muscles were relaxed but he had a pained expression.
"so is it time to add the horns?" he asked for confirmation. I nodded and watched him as he carefully put them in and resumed stirring. His hands didn't shake at all like they did when Severus was close.
"professor Snape... He is a complex person... I'm sorry that he takes it out on you more than the others... I just want you to know it's not your fault, Neville..." I said.
"thanks... I'm just really glad he's letting you do this" he smiled lightly "this is not like him to offer options to people not leaving them behind, so i know it was all you" he said.
"well it was my idea, but without his permission i couldn't have done it... so i guess he's doing some work too" i said and glanced at the potion in the cauldron noticing it was changing colors again.
"oh careful" i indicated the now blue liquid "sorry i was distracting you, turn the heat off and add the Jewelweed and stir counterclockwise" I said and he did so immediately without hesitation.
I looked at him smiling widely with pride. He glanced at me briefly "what?" he chuckled.
"I knew you had this in you..." i said "you couldn't be that good at herbology and suck at this, it was impossible".
"well... if you really think so don't forget to tell Snape" he joked.
"oh believe me i do tell him many things but he is so stubborn..." i sighed. Just moments after, before Neville could speak the door flung open revealing our presence to Severus.
Neville almost jumped out of his seat just from the mere sound of the door opening so i made sure he wouldn't knock over the cauldron spilling all the freshly made potion.
"Good morning sir," i said testing the waters but he looked preoccupied with something else until he noticed he had just walked past me and someone else "Good morning, Avery... Longbottom what are you doing here? we don't have classes until the resume of term" he asked rather bitterly.
"Actually, he made an appointment with me after you told the class i was available for people who had a little more trouble keeping up with the work you assigned" I said bringing his attention away from Neville, of which the boy was visibly thankful.
"I see..." he said taking an interest in Neville again.
Please don't destroy all my hard work...
"and did Mr Longbottom find it useful?" he said with usual rhythmic tone.
"oh yes, a-absolutely professor, I-i'm learning a lot" he said.
Snape looked slightly annoyed "i am going to expect a sudden improvement in your grades then..." Severus said looking at the mixture with suspicion tho his eyebrows flickered upwards imperceptibly for a second "by the looks of it next time you won't get another fail at least" he said in an unpleasant manner.
"trust the process professor" i said with a goofy smile. Severus looked at me briefly and said "i will be in my office when you're done here".
He disappeared into the other room and Neville suddenly seemed eager to put some more distance between them because he was nervously trying to fit all his things in his bag.
"it's okay, you don't have to rush it..." I said passing him the phial with the pepperup potion he had just brewed "this belongs to you..." but he hesitated taking it.
"what if i did something wrong and it went bad?" he asked.
"you did nothing wrong i watched you the entire time" i said incredulous of the extent of his self doubt. He wouldn't take it so i opened it and took a sip straight out of the phial. I waited a few seconds and since i didn't drink the whole thing the only effect I experienced was a warm almost peaceful sensation in my stomach. "See?" i said "i'm still alive and you need to trust yourself more, you did good today" i said handing him his potion a second time and this time he took it, smiled and thanked me for the hundredth time.
"it's alright Neville, go on..." i said holding the door for him "oh and... merry Christmas, in case I don't see you later".
"Merry Christmas" he said and took off warily looking around the corridors.
I closed the door to the classroom and opened the one to Severus's office.
"Are you okay? what happened?" I asked seeing he just sat on his desk chair.
"I was with Dumbledore, he wanted to talk about what has happened with Potter last night" he said.
"yeah and... why did you panic like that? it was horrible, I could barely breathe and I was so worried about you because you wouldn't respond..." I said trying to force him to give a bit more than just that.
"He thinks the Dark Lord is manipulating that simple boy's mind showing him visions like the one about Arthur Weasley" he said not resisting too much to giving me the information.
I pondered for a second the implication that something like that might have "what do you think?" i asked.
"I think Dumbledore is right" he said gravely.
"but... if he can project visions in Harry's mind, does that also mean that he can read Harry's mind? That would put everything, everyone in danger" i said
"especially... you and me, should he ever get a glimpse of us in places we shouldn't be" he said looking me with a blank stare.
"but how... it kinda sounds like what we have, like our connection..." I reasoned out loud.
"I doubt it's the same thing even though i can see why it looks like that to you..." he said.
"well no i don't believe it's the same but what is the extent of this thing? can he feel his feelings, can he see memories... there's so many things we need to know" I said.
"and no way of knowing those things... Frustrating isn't it?" he said.
I realized that if this had been his every day life since at least when Harry had started Hogwarts I didn't know how he managed to get past every single problem and survive.
"yeah... Harry needs to learn Occlumency then..." I said as i remembered how hard it had been for me when i was little and not at all in an emergency situation like that.
"yes... we'll start on that after Christmas..." Severus said.
"isn't that too late? isn't there any chance that something else could happen now that he's not even at Hogwarts?" i protested.
"Dumbledore thinks it's not dangerous to wait because the Dark Lord will be busy with something else..." he said vaguely.
"what setting the table with the fancy shit for Christmas?" i scoffed.
"exploring the reason why he needs you, Sue." he said barely able to look at me.
"Ah, I see, I'm the distraction, the little mouse you're dangling in front of the snake's mouth"  I said but weirdly I didn't feel anything yet, nor fear or anything else at all. Just nothingness? It was an awkward sensation.
"I've been trying to find a solution since I left Dumbledore's office..." he said.
"Is that why you panicked? you think i'm going to crack and let him see something he shouldn't see?" I asked "that is if Harry hasn't already".
"I have faith in your occlumency skills, I know you won't give him anything without fighting back" he said getting up from his seat to come closer to me, but it felt like it still wasn't everything.
"why do i feel like you're not telling me all of it, then?" I asked trying to get him to hold eye contact with me. I couldn't quite figure it out in all those tumultuous emotions, even though nothing came to the surface, he was waging a war behind those obsidian eyes.
"talk to me, Severus" I encouraged.
"I am scared for you" he whispered cupping my face.
"He's not going to kill me..." i said more to myself than to him "he will want me to fulfill my purpose first at the very least".
"there are things far worse than death" he said in a hushed tone and glossy eyes.
"What are you trying to say Severus... you're scaring me now" i said.
"The Dark Lord is persistent and he knows no rest until he gets what he wants from you. He might be careful not to kill you if he still needs you but he will destroy you in other ways if it comes to that" he explained "I wonder if this will be last time I look in your eyes and I recognize you" he confessed leaning his forehead against mine.
I inhaled his scent and gazed at him deeply, ever since we had discovered our connection I had never felt that kind of panic from him.
"Could it break our connection? Whatever he does to me?" i asked.
"who knows, perhaps if your mind is too... compromised?" he said.
Suddenly I was hit by a terrible realization "does this mean that whatever he does to me you will feel it too?" I asked pushing back from him a little "and don't lie to me... i felt you panicking and I could barely breathe" I said.
He just nodded, a single tear he unsuccessfully tried to blink back escaped his eyelid "I'm sorry" he pleaded pulling me in his arms "I couldn't shield you from it, I lost control for a moment and it was too late".
"what if he finds out...?" i wondered as i hugged him "can he... find out?"
"I don't know..." he confessed as if it was his most terrible crime, not having answers for something that hadn't happened yet.
"I will... I will make sure that whatever happens doesn't compromise anybody's position, yours especially" I said with resolve.
"How are you so calm?" he said holding both my shoulder even closer to himself.
"I learnt from the best..." I smiled a little.
"do you realize how much danger you'll be in once you leave Hogwarts?" he said.
"Yes! Severus... I understand" I snapped "what do you want me to say?! I'm not underestimating him, only a fool would and I'm not just a stupid little girl, Severus... I stopped being a little girl the day my mother died" I said.
"I want you to know that if there's anything i can do to get you out somewhere else, somewhere safe, I will" he declared.
"No, i think you should let me deal with this... It would be to our advantage to know what he has in store for me, wouldn't it?" i asked.
He couldn't deny as he looked at me with sorrow.
"yeah, I know... I'll do my best" i said and motioned towards the door as i felt the air in the dungeons wasn't enough for the shortness of breath I was experiencing.
He promptly stopped me grabbing my wrist which made a few tears slip out.
"I will be with you the whole time, I won't disappear on you" he said "i will make sure you make it back here".
"No, he's going to want to be with me alone, it would be suspicious if you were there, not to mention my father's going to want to be there... You can't risk looking shady, it's too dangerous-"
"i will be with you and nobody will know... in here" he said pointing slightly to the left of my sternum.
"I can't... I will push you out" i cried.
"no, the only one you have to avoid sneaking around is the Dark Lord. Don't waste energy on me."  he warned me.
"If he finds out we don't know what could happen, how he might take it-"
"let me worry about that" he said.
"I will be the one he tortures into madness until I tell him everything! Not you!" i yelled "i'll be safer if you let me handle this on my own, Severus" I said lowering my voice trying to regain my cool but my accelerated breathing showed otherwise.
He stared at me silently, nothingness painted on his face as usual but i felt all of it. Love, fear, doubt, anxiety, sorrow, anger, remorse, grief. Everything was mixed up and confused and it made my heart even heavier.
"Can I just ask you one thing?"
"anything" he said calmly.
"can you hold me?"
He barely let me finish, sat back down on the chair and gestured for me to sit on his lap. I gladly obeyed and he wrapped his cloak around me. He brushed some hair out of my face and his fingers lingered on my flushed cheek.
"please stop torturing yourself trying to look for alternatives... you're making me sick" i said exhaling sharply, the millions of thoughts racing through his mind making my head spin as i tried to make sense of them. He hesitated. "there's no way out of this but through, Severus".
"I just wish it could be me instead" he said.
"I'm going to be okay..." I said but neither of us really believed it. He just held me closer almost as if he was trying to hide me under his cloak so that harm wouldn't find me.

A/N useless chapter haha, sorry for the waste of your time. Kinda hate this, might delete it later 😬