About Rose Tucker

Chapter Five

As we were walking back to her place after the movie, she invited me up. Was this it? This wasn't how it went down in the porno. The porno was vulgar, repulsive even. And maybe allosexuals enjoyed that, maybe she enjoyed that, but I sure didn't. And now I was scared.

I clenched every muscle in my entire being to keep myself from shaking. Breathe, I just had to keep breathing.

"Sure, I'd love to come up," I said, voice slightly shaking.

As she led the way, I wrung my hands together. She offered to make tea, and I nodded sluggishly. It was like I was there but I wasn't. I was everywhere and nowhere at once. Breathing but just barely. And that next breath in was the only thing keeping me stable.

She served the cup of tea and said, "So, your profile never did list your sexuality. If you don't mind me asking?"

This was my chance. My take or leave it. I should come out as asexual. Shit, I should come out as trans. Anything to get her to know the real me.

But instead, I said, "Pansexual."

Flatly.

My words rang through the room; the reverberations cutting through palpable silence. Saying it was awkward would have been an understatement. It was more than awkward. It was unbearable.

Even though it lasted only a moment, it felt like an eternity.

She licked her lips, soft and luscious, before bringing her cup to them and sipping in faux seduction. Or, what I can only assume was supposed to be seductive as any attempts of arousal fell flat.

Bite your lip, I commanded myself.

I bit it harshly, drawing blood. Failing at seduction 101.

Okay, scratch that. Try, I don't know, try brushing a curl behind your ear. And that went better. I combed my fingers through the roots of my hair, then shook it out, maintaining eye contact all the while.

"Right" She trailed off, standing to dim the lights.

On her way back she stopped by a portable speaker dock, plugged her phone in, and set some music to shuffle play.

Baby let me rock your body.

Shit, it was definitely happening. She strode over to me, fingertips trailing over my collarbone, as she took a seat next to me. My head followed her every move, entranced at how effortlessly she moved. It didn't look like she was coaching herself through this. It looked as though she had practice. And if I was betting on it, she probably did.

God, I was a virgin. I hadn't even properly watched porn. What was I doing?

She put her hands on either side of my face. Gentle. She leaned in until she was mere a=inches away. And then we paused. We were about to kiss. Like a first kiss kind of kiss. My leg bounced up and down, up and down, up and down, up...

Rose placed a hand on my knee. "Relax. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

I definitely didn't want to do this. But it was too late, she was expecting it. She was hopeful.

I blacked out, a primal urge overtaking me. In a whispered tone, I asked, "Is it too soon to kiss you?"

"Not at all."

She tilted her head and leaned in the rest of the distance. My nose brushed against her cheek as we did so. Her eyes fluttered shut but mine remained open. Watching, studying, trying to see if there would be some clue as to what to do next.

My lips met her. Soft, smooth lips melded together as one. Her hands entangled themselves in my hair, pulling slightly. I wanted to tell her to stop, to tell her I was uncomfortable but I didn't. So we continued. My hands fumbled in the air. I moved to touch her shoulders, but because of the positioning of her hands that wasn't comfortable. Then I moved to touch her hips, but that felt too intimate, too porn-ish. So I fumbled in the air.

Her hands found mine and held them, interlacing our fingers. She placed them between our laps. I could smell the vanilla scent of her perfume and then wondered about my scent. What if I smelled bad? I had sprayed a few sprits of a random floral perfume I found in the bottom of my drawer this morning. But what if the perfume was expired? Did perfumes even expire?

Focus, I told myself. And my focus returned to the taste of her lips. They tasted like cherry red lip balm or gloss. I didn't know.

Then her tongue was poking at my lips, forcing its way into my mouth. She twisted and turned her tongue over my own, and I had enough sense to do the same. This was weird. Very weird.

And then she pulled away. Our lips parted with a soft puckering pop.

"Shall we take this to the bedroom?"

And this was it. It was finally happening. I was going to lose my virginity.

Of course, no part of me wanted to, but what choice did I have? My only option was sex.

God, what I had gotten myself into?