Left Behind (Erwin Smith X Reader)

Chapter 3: Wither all life and love

(Y/N) POV

Less than a few days after that expedition it was time to start knocking on Erwin's door again. At his request. Allowing the sound of my fist echo throughout the hallway to try and fill the positions of my squad again. Each time I had to visit his office over this my knock got weaker and softer. This previous squad I lost had been the one I was closest to and that lived the longest which was 3 months. See I was never a great leader for anyone but myself as in most cases that's what you would have to be. Some may call me selfish and yet they would do the same thing. Not wanting to meet deaths grip too early in life you start to act for yourself and think others have the strength and idea to think on their own too as most do. But due to my luck my squads were mostly selfless people who all gave their life to some great cause that I myself never truly believed in.

In hindsight I have been in command of about 30 squads in my time. Yes 30. Mostly made of 1-2 people because of how little people got along with me and how little people joined the scouts they never really lasted more than 2 months. Always making a simple mistake which in the end is their own end. Every time I had to pick out a new squad it always hurt seeing how they felt so special by their selection but I knew that they would make only titan food in the end. It was like a curse that had been placed on me. Losing so many people who once had smiling, warm faces die turning them into lifeless, gray, cold bodies really messes with your head. But of course the survey corps knows that too well. 

So on this particular visit to Commander Erwin's office I figured I would just pick another two random faces from the crowd and let darwinism play out. After the sound of my knocks had finally dimmed in the lowly lit hallway, sounds of walking boots came from the otherside. Normally I would have to state my name and reason for coming but it was if Erwin knew I was at the door. So the knob turned and the door creaked leaving me faced to face with 6'2" blue eyed blonde haired Erwin Smith. A man I knew all to well but all to little. One who always seemed to be so confident in his choices but those choices were only gambles.

"Come in (Y/N)" He spoke with a professional tone. That tone I had heard throughout his years in the survey corps but one I had barely known in the cadet corps. Back in the cadet corps he always brought a respectable for intimidation aura about with him wherever he went, but for me it seems as I never caught the jist as I would simply give the tall man a hi every time I passed him. Almost as a running gag.

I had sat down in front his desk, something I do more frequently then the other captains when in my spot. Erwin had closed the door behind me and made his way to his desk that was filled with paperwork and other obviously important things. The desk as I had taken notice was filled with things but all were neatly organized. Like a chaotic mess. The blondie took a seat down in front of me, and lightly placed both hands on his desk he leaned forward. His straight posture slightly faltering at his position he spoke.

"You know why you are here right?" I simply nodded knowing the procedure of him talking about how I lost another squad but the were a sacrifice for humanity and blah blah blah. I was ready to zone out of another boring and trying to be comforting lecture before he spoke once again.

"Do you want to lead another squad again?" His chair squeaked as he leaned back in it after asking that question. My ears perked up at the question but being scared of answering with the truth I softly speak.

"Would you want me to lead another squad sir?" He sat on it for a moment, obviously tossing two answers in his head before bluntly coming up and speaking out his answer.

"No." I nodded knowing he has a method to his madness. I wasn't upset as knowing I wouldn't have to deal with telling another parent their child has died due to me.

"(Y/N) you are a great soldier but I don't think you are very good are leading anyone but yourself. For that you won't get another squad." He leaned back in his chair a bit more slightly looking at the ceiling.The front two legs coming off the ground. "And for that you won't be leading anyone but yourself anymore. No one anymore will be leading you as well, including me." His chair came down with a slam as he looked into my eyes. It seemed as if he was trying to read me and I the same. We were too much alike in our own ways to ever fully listen to each other. Prime example was of me trying to kill a horde of titans and Erwin saying no like the voice in the back of my head but I tried anyway and almost got eaten. Another time he wanted to go set up a base in an old town and I said no like the voice in the back of his head and when we get there we lose many men. 

"That's fine Commander, whatever you want me to do." I respond with no inflection and a seriousness that only Levi knew personally. "Is that all sir?"I started to get up without being dismissed. Turning my back to Erwin and heading for the door as he spoke again "Only the people and situation around you can influence your choices (L/N) don't be stupid without anyone telling you what to do. That is what you need to learn." I turn the door knob and open the door as his last sentence spoke out the me. Purposely this whole conversation went through one ear and out the other as I was too exhausted and hungry to deal with a position change. As I went to the cafeteria to scarf down some food.

And just like that a year had passed. A year that had left me with more nightmares, confusion, and regret that made me think if I had chosen the right decision or not. Erwin called me into his office almost every other night to hear of my decisions.He would always criticize them as I always seemed to make decisions a corrupted businessman would make instead of a selfless soldier.

Today was the day of our 56th exterior scouting mission. As I had gotten up to get ready I felt my head spin and my knees drop to the floor as a wave of nausea had hit me, causing me to bolt for the trash and spill my guts. Today was not going to be a good day.