Left Behind (Erwin Smith X Reader)

Chapter 10: Silence

So there we walked. His boots hitting the wall like heels on hardwood floors. It made me aware of my senses and everything around me. It made me aware of how everything was slowing down. Traumatized Garrison soldiers climbing up the wall to meet with their friends and search for the deceased who never showed. The survey corp beaming as they flew around Trost and were cleaning up any leftover titans. More than once I heard the cheers of Hanji as they met another titan they fancied. It was refreshing in a sense. To stand idly by and watch everyone else deal with the situation. Something that had become an unpleasant habit of mine. I don't understand how I even became the rank I am now with said habit. Maybe because it was the way he saw how I could lead for myself. Something few could do. But that was my downfall. I never gave magnificent speeches or enforced the decisions I made. Only recently had I tried to lead, but that obviously failed again. I never gave pick me ups like Erwin. I was always late to giving orders to help anyone but myself. It was like my whims could never be voiced. It was something Erwin always noticed and always wanted me to work on.

But even when I tried harder than anyone else, I was always too much of a pussy to stand my ground or speak out. By the way Erwin trailed behind me in silence, I knew he was about to say something about the "curse" we called it. We always blamed my incompetence on an invisible curse. It was the easiest way he could let me down and each time even though we would both joke through the words of "maybe that damn curse got to your soldiers again." or "your curse maybe just doesn't want you to have a squad." it still hurt as I knew he meant those words. And so as this cursed has killed my squad once more I still felt the guilt and nausea rise up. We continued to walk in silence as we passed by soldiers trying to find a somewhat private area to talk. Eventually Erwin got in front of me as we passed by a crowd of Garrison soldiers. He was almost a head above everyone else as I held onto the fabric of his cape like a lost child not wanting to get lost. As we passed by many soldiers I was shoved in the shoulder by someone else's shoulder. I look behind to see who had hit me. They were about 5 foot 2 and our eyes met. Her blues ones to my (e/c) ones. Her eyes widened and so did mine as her face processed in my head.

"NATALIE!" I screamed letting go of Erwin's cape as I ran towards the girl. Her face lit up as I ran arms outstretched. Even though it wasn't appropriate for someone of my status to randomly hug a soldier I couldn't help it. I thought I lost another comrade due to the fact I couldn't help them. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and the sound of air being crushed out of her hit my ear. At that point I let her go full of questions. My hands shook as I was so giddy as seeing how Natalie was alive. Last time I knew she was being swatted down by a large titan.

"How are you, I mean I'm glad you are here. But how are you alive?" I stumbled across my words as heavy footsteps were in the background.

"I always have a few tricks up my sleeve." Her cockiness made the air lighter as her feet shifted and her arms folded. Soon I felt a hand on my shoulder. A calloused large hand that if were placed anywhere else would make me shudder with anticipation and thoughts that shouldn't be thought about during this time. I noticed who the hand was connected to and blushed. It was of course Commander Smith. He looked at me with questioning but stoic eyes and I took initiative.

"Commander, this is Natalie Toy she was assigned to my squad during the recent attack." She saluted at him as he nodded. 

"Nice to meet you Toy, I hope your squad leader here didn't give you a hard time." There was a light hearted laugh behind that statement but it felt like knives jabbing into my back. She was the only one left alive and his comment seemed to reopen an invisible wound the only person that could see was me. Natalie just nervously laughed and greeted the commander herself. Meanwhile adding on how I didn't give her a hard time and in fact I was lax about everything. Which only made me cringe on the inside as Erwin deemed this conversation more interesting when she said that. The only thing I could do was stand by his side, uninterested and unwanting to be interested. Soon enough their conversation tetered out while I stood still and looked aimlessly around at all the damage. The bottom of the walls contained bodies that had fallen when they tried to be distractions. Some only showing they were once human by the odm gear that sat on the floor. Other bodies had been fully intact and the impact of the ground is what killed them. But each piece of grass that laid underneath the bodies and around were stained with the crimson red that became a common sight to me. Buildings were crushed and the now plugged in hole reminded me that we were never fully safe. Not as long as these monsters kept coming in. I was lost in my thoughts again. How could I be better, How could I make sure my squad doesnt end up one of the fallen again, how could I be taken more seriously? Each time I came up with the same answer. The answer exactly was never that straightfoward, nothing is ever simple.

Soon the clunking of heavy boots in front of me started to sound. Signaling that his conversation was done. So I waved goodbye to the squad member who had lived and once again followed closely behind Erwin to not get lost. 

"Maybe it is better to speak in complete private I have a few questions to ask." Erwin said as he came to a stop. Internally groaning I looked up to see the back of his blonde hair. He was obviously staring at something. I peeked out from behind him and noticed the short male Levi. I move myself out from behind the Commander and greeted the black haired gremlin.

"Hey short stuff."

"Brat"

Authors Note: Sorry for dragging on our conversation with Erwin, I just wanted to have a chapter introduce (y/n)'s internal struggle with trying to enforce her orders. A lot of people in this situation would definitely have a strong doubt about their decisions and if they were ever wrong guilt would definitely build up. Thank you for reading and waiting for this chapter!