Left Behind (Erwin Smith X Reader)

Chapter 16

"You son of a bitch"

I screamed to no one but air, my feet dragging me along the ground, as I tripped in another hole left by that female titan. The purple smoke in the air finally disappearing and leaving me by myself again. Pain radiated down my spine and into my legs, a limp appeared in my gait as I continued on foot. My face lifted up to feel the heat of the sun beating on me. I didn't know whether to be grateful or upset I was still alive. The world inside and outside the walls was always pretty. But would I miss it if I had to leave it? Maybe not. 

I took a seat on the soft grass, it slightly crunching as I grunted through pain to sit. I had made some progress, now finding the corpse of a dead horse. Not mine though.

"Let's take a second to rest shall we?" I smiled at the horse, for no reason than to feel company. Maybe it was a natural human emotion of hope, or just the pain talking, I didn't wanna feel alone. Believe I was alone. My eyes closed, heavy with sorrow, mixed emotions, tiredness, and pain.

I awoke sometime later, to a terrible smell. A decaying animal laid next to me. The one from before. No longer did the horse, look like a horse. But instead an empty shell of its former self. Bugs started to create their temporary homes inside and outside. I got up expecting some sort of pain and was pleasantly surprised when there was none. I took my time, examining every bird in the sky, every body on the ground, every leaf in the trees, every blood stain in the grass, as I continued along the path of large footprints. The mouth of the woods had finally appeared and so had the gut wrenching feeling of guilt. Guilt that maybe I wasn't able to help that many people. Or maybe the guilt I was supposed to be dead right now. Emotions weren't processing and my head wasn't on correctly as I stormed into the woods, flying through the air on my odm gear. 

An ear piercing screech and the sound of loud machinery firing had attracted my ears attention as I realized I was going straight through it. Trees whipping by and leaves just turning into a green blur. There was the female titan getting trapped. Soldiers on the ground and large cannons residing on the ground. At that moment I made eye contact with a blonde haired man whose mouth was still open as his eyes were full of wonder at the large titan. Until his eyes met mine and only horror had taken them over. The sun perfectly hitting his face to highlight his blue eyes a little bit more. Turning them from a deep ocean blue to a light sky blue. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, this look. From such curiosity, to his eyebrows raising as he looks at me, his eyes widening, and his mouth slacking even more then it had previously been. 

His expression quickly turned serious as the sound of running titans seemed to follow my presence. I took shelter on a tree branch by myself, overlooking the whole situation as titans came to devour her. Ripping apart every limb and muscle. Nausea came over me watching this sight. My face grew pale as the sound of eating and ripping continued. I turned to look away but the sounds of tearing flesh, haunted my mind. My vision grew blurry. The leaves turning even more into blobs and the trees blending in with the shadows of the forest, almost creating monsters out of the darkness. My head started to spin and throb, my body hurting like it did before. My feet started to slip off the branch as the rest of me became limp. The ground coming quickly.

Was the adrenaline starting to wear off? Should I fight this feeling?

Soon enough the blurry shadow monsters created by my own brain smiled at me, as if they were to devour me. Maybe it stood for my own guilt, or the fact I should die. One cannot possibly be a good soldier if one cant get through a single battle without being injured. And this simple sound such as tearing flesh, why must it affect me now? It never did before. Not during my training days when Erwin and I had pulled a prank on this one kid. He was always super stuck up, so we stuck him to a chair. And that didn't end well as we heard the sound of his skin separating from the chair. His screams of agony being music to our ears. Getting rid of him meant less competition and less of a headache. No this sound never bothered me before. I had heard it another time.

My first ever expedition, my entire squad has become titan chum and I watched as I stood there, paralyzed from fear. My comrades crying, screaming and kicking as a titan ripped them to shreds. Before finally finishing them with a final decapitation using its teeth. I never cried then. I never was upset then. So why does this noise bother me now? Why?

Why does ones views change so quickly when truly faced with death. One might think it would be better to leave this world. With all the pain, suffering, and sound. 

That sound that leaves one to be so nauseous they pass out, that sound of soldiers bone's crunching under the pressure of titan teeth, that sound of children crying as they find out they are now orphaned, or the sound of ODM gear clinking on the ground with ripped clothing or a body part left. Why does such noise exist with that of laughter and a tea pot screaming as you get ready to have tea with your friends? Sounds of birds chirping or your parent saying they love you. Especially the sounds of your own feet moving under you as you dance, to some tune that is being played on an out of tune piano.  Or maybe even the sound of a religious sermon taking place in the streets, or the sound of the marketplace on a busy morning.

Do we fear death because of the nothingness? Is it scarier then the sounds of life?