Left Behind (Erwin Smith X Reader)

Chapter 17

I had once a fond memory. A memory of a boy and I. It had been past dark. We were supposed to be in our bunks. Instead being the rebellious teenagers as one is we headed out towards a nearby pond. It had glistened in the moon, as he had shot me a devious smile. Making it to the sand around the pond, we both sat. Stones, branches, and the soft sand had made its presence beneath us. The sand was cold as it nestled between my fingers. The sky was a gorgeous shade of navy. With the moon out in full bloom causing the sky that surrounded it to sport a more sapphire hue. Stars has littered any empty space in this vast emptiness. Making the moon and the sky not seem so lonely, melancholy, or empty. This boy and I had stared up at the sky already as he recalled most constellations he knew and how his dad had taught him. He seemed to notice I wasn't paying attention

"You know you are going to look old early if you keep scrunching your face." He said a smiling appearing on his face.

I scrunched my face in his direction as a response as we both turned back towards the night sky. I squinted trying to find at least one constellation I knew. Three stars lined up diagonally.

"Orion" Both our hands shot up and our voices ripped through the comforting silence of the night. I giggled at the coincidence as the boy smiled slightly. Soon bringing down his hand he was pointing with and resting it on my cheek. The warmth of his calloused hands encouraged a rose colored hue to appear on my cheeks. I stopped laughing and became silent. Taking in the scent of the pond next to us and him as well. The moon hit his eyes in a perfect manner. Having them twinkle as if they were freshly polished gemstones. The boy leaned in, close enough to where our noses touched.

"You are divine"

I also possessed another memory, one of much less endearment.

It was of my first expedition past the walls. The one which sealed my fate, the one that called me wrong in every aspect of what I did, the one which still haunts me to this day, teasing me, screaming at me. Doubting me. I only remember bits and pieces really.

The rain was coming down hard. Causing puddles in part of the grass, and mud to inhabit everywhere. My knees were devoured by the sludge as I screamed. Hair sticking to my face. Wet, muddy, and bloody. My heart was pumping out of my chest. My feet had become cold from the rain. My hands also cold, but covered in a vermillion red warmth that started to harden and turn brown. These hands shakily being held out in front of my soaked body. Looking down at them I let out another scream that ripped through my vocal chords, but did little through the sound of rain and horses. Tears had now mixed with the rain and mud that ran down my face. My breath staggered as I continued to let salty tears travel down my cheeks and onto the ground. I sobbed looking over at the corpse of my friend. Her hair was laying in mud and soaked. Even though a pleasant look was now stuck endlessly on her face. Blood had soaked through her white shirt such as the rain had.

A blade unattached from an odm sword laid next to her, silently getting blood rinsed off of it from the rain. Trying to get of the evidence that it was used as a murder weapon.

I screamed again this time more intelligible, the name of a boy. I belted the name again, and again. Rocking myself forward each time. The sound of his boots splashing through the rain puddles as he came closer had now come through my ears. Then the sound of boots slipping and a loud thud came. He had fallen in the panic. Covering himself in the mud. He picked himself up and continued his journey over to me. Sliding in front of me and placing his muddy hands on my cheeks. It was cold but comforting as his hands had slightly squeezed them to raise my face.

"(Y/n) what happened are you ok?" His voice had cracked from worry as his eyes scanned me. My voice was hoarse from screaming and my thoughts were jumbled up. I wasn't able to speak, what I wanted to say got stuck and the only thing I could do was let out a cry. He looked at me at I continued to cry, wiping the tears away with his mud covered thumb. I waited a bit before speaking up.

"I-" My voice stopped not wanting to continue the sentence. His hands became tighter on my face, eager for an answer

"I killed her" My voice cracked as I finally realized what happened. She had been screaming at me and crying to take her life. It was her first expedition as well. But she couldn't take it and grabbed my wrist. Then my hand with my blade and driving it through her stomach. I didn't fight back though. 

The boys hands had loosened on my face and dropped down to his thighs. His head hung as a firm voice came from it.

"Why would you?" His voice was dismal.

"She begged me and starting insulting me." I said in a hysterical fit. The tears coming back.

His head shot up as he began to yell at me 

"You killed her, you could have stopped it and you didn't. She was your friend and you just stabbed her. It was our first expedition too, she had so much potential. You created another god damn casualty for the survey corps. A small unit may I add that has trouble getting people to join in the first place. Why didn't you make the right choice?" The boy stood up, leaving me by myself in the muck. His backed turned away from me.

"I'm not going to sympathize with you if that's what you want. But you better move, another horde is coming in." This time his voice was commanding and firm.

All I remember was thinking "The right choice, I thought that was the right choice."

A/n: this chapter was brought to you by the fact I have a crush on a boy who loves to write stories.