Left Behind (Erwin Smith X Reader)

Chapter 18

Maybe we all retell memories differently when trying to prove a point. Maybe we never remember the minute details of traumatizing times. The sounds of crunching bodies had bothered me, but these details I had dumped to the very back of my brain. Thinking I would never have to be up close and personal to these sounds again.

Bumps and the stiffness of wood supporting my back wake me up. Every ache and pain hit me at once. Every sound, from the light puff of air from someone's breathing to the screaming of soldiers and hooves hitting dry ground, enter my eardrums without an invitation. I sit up gingerly noticing that I had found myself in a wooden cart. The sun starts to set as titans chase us, like a predator gaining on its prey.

"You have to dump them!" A cart on my left starts screaming. A pile of bodies were ever so apparent. The cart full of carcasses was slower then the rest of us, having titans gain on it quickly. My own adrenaline starts to pick up as I notice the cart going slower and slower. The soldiers in it confused on if they should leave behind their dead comrades.

Do I say something or leave it be? Will they listen to me? Are they just waiting for the order? 

Sometimes people need an outside voice to confirm what they were thinking.

"Dump the cart now!" I mustered up the most commanding voice I could. It shredded through my vocal chords and coming out hoarse. Intimidating and loud was something I could never be famous for, but that simple display may have deceived those who didn't know who I was. The two soldiers in the body cart look over at me, their eyes wide, then nodding to each other they let the back open and start dropping bodies. Each sack of flesh thumping loudly in its own distinct grotesque sound. A breath that I didn't know I was holding in escaped my lips. Leaning back onto the edge of my own cart, I watched as we eventually escaped the bloodthirsty beasts.

My boots thumped down a dimly lit hallway. Light murmuring could be heard from a distance as the dining hall was filled with soldiers. Dinner wasn't what I wanted to taste right now. The only thing I had a craving for was Erwin and his answers to my questions. A person with hair in a high messy brown ponytail spoke to me in their cheery voice. 

"Hey (Y/N), would you like to hear about my latest discoveries with Eren's titan? So I was thinking one day maybe I sho-" Hange tried to start a conversation with me as they moved to my side. I just ignored them, thinking about what I should say to someone I thought may have loved me.

Hange continued to talk my ear off as I finally slipped into Erwin's office. Their body trying to get around the door as I tried as politely as possible to shoo them away. Finally closing the door I turned around, my back hitting the door and finally facing him. Erwin Smith. His jawline and nose had been highlighted by the candle that burned on his desk. The dark wood of his chair and desk made the room look much darker then it was. He was working. A pencil situated itself in his right hand as he drew up another plan for another one of his schemes. His eyes were glued to the page, as if I were merely a spec of dust that was blowing in the wind. Unimportant.

Anger started to swell in my chest and heat up my face. This asshole had left me for death, continues to ignore me, and tries to act like everything is swell. Always avoiding a serious talk with me. My fists balled as I stomped over to his desk coming around the corner and swerving his chair to face me. My right hand ended up on his desk and the other gripped on his collar.

"God Dammit Erwin, tell me why." Furious words had slipped out of my mouth without trying to form a proper sentence. His eyes looked up at me. His mouth was slack and a little gap in his mouth appeared where oxygen entered and left his body. His blue irises were dull and lifeless. A quiet answer left his throat

"What are you asking?" My grip on him tightened. As tears started to swell in my eyes. 

"Why are you so incredibly hot and cold with me? One second you will laugh and joke with me, the next you are trying to kill me? What the fuck is your problem. You never give me a clear answer and ever since our first expedition together you have pushed me away. I get it, I fucked up. You weren't there though and have no right to hold that over my head. And you making me your second in command? What are you thinking? If you cant even treat me like a human being with feelings." I grasped his collar even harder as the words came out. He released his grip on his pencil as it fell on his desk with a clank. His hands lightly grasped my left hand, forcing me to release his shirt. He stood up forcing me to look into his eyes. He sighed.

"I don't hold that day over your head. We both have made our mistakes. We both have murdered people. If you want the truth, I keep pushing you away because I see myself in you. The qualities that I am terrified of showing are shown on you. But I also keep pushing you away because you are one person I didn't mean to get close too. I never thought about what being a soldier would mean about us as a relationship, and I screwed up. I'm sorry. I would like to say maybe we could start over, but neither of us will probably live that long. I put you on death's door because I knew you would be the only one to escape it. I always have faith in you to do the right things, but you second guess yourself too much. Something I myself, find trouble with as well. I'm sorry I made you feel this way. But we shouldn't grow so attached again. You will probably be alive longer then I ever could." He grabbed my other hand that had once rested on the desk and incased it within his own and my other. His lips met my hands as he softly laid a kiss on them. A singular warm tear traveled down my face as his eyes met mine. He dropped my hands and with that he silently strode out the room. The door closing behind him as he left.

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