So many things I want to say (Volume Two)

Day Two in Sokovia

I woke up to my reflection.

A guard was dangling a hand mirror in front of my face.

"Look at yourself," he said to me. And that's exactly what I did. I looked in the mirror and saw brokenness, anger, hurt, pain, sorrow and the list goes on and on. They were trying to tear me down. But there was a little part of my heart that was still beating.

I was once again dragged off by the guards into another room. This room was as devoid of beauty as I am of hope. The room has an undertone of bleach and the floor is simply grey. Some more guards appeared and locked the door behind us.

"Bucky is here."

I recognised the man who told me this. Alexander Pierce, Secretary of S. H. I. E. L. D.

Then I saw Bucky. He was strapped into a hideous looking machine. It was a brainwashing machine.

I stood there quietly, keeping my eyes closed, matching my breaths to the beeping of the machine. My legs were numb.

Helplessly, I watched him as he was approached by two men in ominous white jackets. They pushed him back and placed two metal panels on either side of his head.

I slid my eyes sideways, they'd handcuffed his wrists to the machine bars. Short, but plenty deep cuts ran along his arms.

Then it happened. The machine made a whirring noise and the panels on Bucky's head produced violent blue sparks. Bucky produced the most hysterical yelling and crying, the screaming sobs only interrupted by his need to draw breath. It was a primal sound, one we're programmed not to ignore.

Whilst this was occurring, Pierce approached me, twisted my chin to face him and told me that "we are showing you Steve Rogers' past first. Then brainwashing you."

Then it was my turn to sob. My chin trembled as if I was a small child. I breathed heavier than I ever had before. I was gasping for air that simply wasn't there. My throat burned to form a silent scream. When the wracking sobs passed I cried in such a desolate way that no-one could bear to listen for long. I was escorted out of the room and regretfully I glanced back at Bucky, emotional pain flowed out of his every pore and from his mouth came a cry from so raw that even the eyes of one of the strangers around us were suddenly wet with tears.

When I was left alone in my cell again I distinctly remember that the world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone. I paused trying to hold back the strange feelings rumbling inside me but I couldn't. A lone tear tracked down my cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened once more.

And here I am now. I don't know when I will be writing in here again or if I will be. But what I do know is that I will always love Steve no matter what his past will show me. The thought of my turn in that machine tomorrow resulted in me crying once more, but this time as if my brain was being shredded from the inside. Ironic isn't it? That's what's going to happen to it tomorrow.

I curl up in a ball on the stone-cold floor and can feel it unravelling, the threads of every happy memory I could ever once recall, all but disarray of strings scattered about my feet. My mouth is open, an eternal silenced scream, saliva dripping from behind my teeth and onto the ground, stained with the memory of those I ever loved.

A part of me is already dying inside.