So many things I want to say (Volume Two)

Day Three in Sokovia

I only have twenty minutes to write in here before I am taken away for good. I woke up beyond all reason and all-natural methods of calming. As soon as my eyes opened I was once more manhandled out of my cell and into the same room that Bucky was brainwashed in yesterday. I saw all the same men, who were failing miserably at hiding their amusement at my utter torment. I'm not allowed to be afraid. I'm not allowed to show the tenseness that grows in my head and heart. I am to be a warrior. Alexander Pierce told me that I didn't need to worry as today I am only seeing Steve's past. The brainwashing is now happening tomorrow. When I asked why he laughed and said, "let's just say that Bucky is no longer here, he's on a mission that takes precedence."

I knew what that meant. He was on a mission to kill the others. But I knew he would fail. I just hoped that he wasn't going to be killed by them. But Steve would never do that.

Whilst I had escaped into my thoughts I had been strapped into a chair that was different from the one Bucky was put in. I mean clearly, it was as this machine forced me to see Steve's past. But it was an observation I made in a time of real distress so I am writing it down anyway.

I desperately tried to control how fearful I was. I could control the tremor in my voice to a degree. I could consciously will my body movements to be less stilted. I could make myself smile somewhat even if it looked pasted on. But my perspiration was a law unto itself and in no time at all, there were two darkly staining patches under each armpit.

"Have fun." Alexander Pierce sniggered as I watched a guard switch the machine on.

Words cannot describe how I felt after seeing Steve's past. It was nothing like what I had imagined. And as Pierce put it, "I don't know him at all." My eyes and her mouth were frozen wide open in an expression of stunned surprise, and although I was staring straight at Pierce, I appeared not to notice him at all.

"Well, I hope you enjoyed the show. We certainly did and cannot wait for more to come tomorrow when we brainwash you."

My face fell faster than a corpse in cement boots. In that instant I am sure that my skin became greyed, my mouth hung with lips slightly parted and my eyes were as wide as they could stretch.

"We will deal with Tony Stark whilst you deal with Steve Rogers."

"Never."

"You won't have a choice. You'll be under our command by then."

Words left me. I stared into those bright blue eyes burning with anger, and my heart fell silent. I couldn't will my lips to move.

And with that I was removed from the room and shut up again in my cell where for the rest of the day I sat, staring at the peeling wall. I knew that tensing against the shaking of my limbs was useless but I did it instinctively, trying to suppress for a few more moments what I know I cannot. I needed to drink in the silence to counteract the fear that threatened to engulf me. The more absolute it is the stronger its medicinal effect.