So many things I want to say (Volume Two)

Peggy's funeral

I wait, wide-eyed, heart in my mouth, hoping for kindness. I need a hug, even if it is just words. I need soothing like a child. Tony came and found me on the floor and there was even sadness in his eyes when I told him the news about Peggy. He told me that it wouldn't change anything between Steve and me, but I wasn't so sure about that.

He loved Peggy. She was his best girl. Everyone knows that.

Tony kindly allowed me to borrow one of his jets to go to London to see Steve. I knew that I wasn't going to attend the funeral as it wasn't appropriate, I was just going to be there for him afterwards when he's entering the grieving stage. On the flight over to London, I tried to listen to music that would lift my spirits but it was hopeless. I was terrified. I was powerless. Wait, I was terrified because I was powerless. The sadness within me was well contained and I shed no tear on the journey.

I arrived at the chapel just as the guests were leaving and as I wandered around the building looking for Steve, I caught sight of him through the stained glass window. As I entered I ran up to Steve and embraced him which allowed him to cry until there was nothing left inside. Once he had composed himself we chatted. I don't want to share the contents of what we spoke about in there as it is something that will just be kept between us but what's important here is that I was there for him during his time of need. That's an important aspect of a successful relationship.

But I will share something with you. Steve said HE LOVED ME! I made him repeat it to me again just to make sure that I hadn't misheard him. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment, but never released my grip on his sleeve. For the first time in forever, my body and mind relaxed. Once I had recovered from this we made our way back out to the jet and I lay on his lap as he stroked my hair on the journey back to the Compound.

As the journey carried on, Steve, talked of his bath the night before, bubbles and lavender. I gave him a playful nudge, "Sure you closed the blinds?"

He grinned and sank into the seat, "Ain't no hiding that, baby." My face split into a wide grin before I cast my eyes out of the window briefly, then returning to his still smiling face. "Look at the clouds," I say, "and the sea below."

Steve keeps looking right at me. "I can see them anytime. I want to look at your face while I can."

This is what my happy place is. Anytime I am with Steve, that is my happy place.