Spies

Chapter 22

Feeling numb was never a good thing. Numbness to surroundings and to what was going on within were ironically what kept me going. Thoughts, though it created an atmosphere for me to get lost, the incoherency of it all bothered me. Lost. That is what I felt. The feeling of not knowing where I was, who I was, my purpose, all erased from the forefront of my mind, only leaving a blank amongst the idle mind chatter.

I sat in Alex's apartment for what seems like days since I got up in his bedroom. Merely an hour had passed from the time I had awoken from what I could tell from the alarm clock on the side table. I did not have the strength nor the energy to move, speak or basically even function.

"Hey," I heard Alex say as he walked into the room. "I brought you something," he said, presenting me with a box and a to-go cup from a restaurant or bistro.

I looked between his gifts and back to the welcoming and happy expression on his face. Will I ever go back to being like that? I wondered.

Seeing that I did not take it from his hands, he shifted his stuff on the end table, making room for the stuff he was about to put on it. He then stepped closer to me on the bed, and after a few seconds, sat down directly in front of me.

"I know this is a difficult time for you," he started, before letting out a sigh. "Just know that I'll be here when you're ready, for anything," he said, touching my hand.

I did not know that tears had started to flow from my eyes until his other hand wiped them away.

"Don't worry about anything," he continued. "I'm right here."

As soon as he said that, I was full on crying, for what or how many things, I did not know. It was one of those body-shaking, uncontrollable cries that would leave both the onlooker and the crier without breath. Sobs wracked my entire body as he held me, whispering sweet and soothing things into my ears while rubbing my back. Somehow, I felt comfort and acceptance, things I had sought after for years since the first time I had felt this way.

I tried speaking after a while of crying but nothing wanted to come out. Just sounds and more sob-like noises. Seeing that I was trying to speak, Alex wiped my tear-ridden cheeks and gave me a cup from the end table. I drank as much as I could of my favourite coffee, slightly cheered up that he remembered it.

I took a few deep breaths before starting, slightly because I found it moderately hard to breathe after crying and to stop myself from bursting into tears once more. "They took me from the house, covering my head so that I would not be able to see where we were headed. Knocked me unconscious for a little fun while they were at it," I chuckled, humourlessly. "When I came to, I was in the dark room you found me in, having all hope in the world that I could find my way out of this mess, that someone may be looking for me, that someone was coming to find me."

I did not dare look up at him as I heard him pull in a deep breath. I did not want him to see the raw emotion that may be present in my eyes while telling the event that just happened. I also did not want to see the sympathy or pity that may be in his.

I continued, "I checked the minutes as time went by, until the three men who took me came into the room. All wearing ski masks like in the shootout at the house. They spoke, familiar accents to me but I could not place them. Their words taunted me, intended to bring me down, but I still had hope. Kept the faith as I knew somehow that I would be found. Then," I said, getting increasingly emotional as I thought about what happened next.

"You don't have to continue if you don't want to, Cals," he spoke up, holding my hand for much needed support. "I can-"

"I have to get this out," I replied looking right at him. "If I don't, I never will." Taking what felt like my millionth deep breath since I awoke in this bed, I continued, "Then, they raped me." I paused as Alex took in a sharp breath and his hand, still holding onto mine, started to shake. "They didn't have any regard that I was part of law enforcement or that they could all go to jail. Even worse, they did not care that I was a woman of society, a living breathing human who bled red just as they did."

At this point I was full on crying again, and I did now even know when I ended up in Alex's lap, feet connected behind him as I held onto him and cried my eyes out. In the last couple of hours, I had cried and shown raw emotion the most I ever had in my entire life when in the presence of another person. I wanted to be disappointed in myself but the tsunami of feelings I was experiencing would not let me.

After a few long minutes of him getting me to calm down, we just sat there in comfortable silence, the only sound was of our breathing as my head rested on his shoulder and his on mine. He held me tightly to him, as if he was secretly afraid that I would disappear if he let me go.

"Listen, Cals," he spoke up after a while, without moving us from our positions. "No matter what, you've got me okay. This should not have happened to you."

"It's not your fault," I let out shakily. "I don't blame you for what happened."

"It still should not have even happened," he said, regret lacing his words. "I mean, what kind of partner am I? I should have had your back."

I pulled back from his shoulder as his grip seemed to be getting tighter and tighter as the words of guilt and remorse left his mouth. I held his face in my shaking hands and looked him dead in the eyes. "This was not and will never be your fault." My strength at that moment surprised even me. "It was the guys and whoever the hell is behind all of this. You did everything you could with the cards dealt."

He just looked at me, eye to eye. Then, before I could say anything else, he kissed me. His lips, softer than anything I have ever felt before, moulded with mine in a deep passionate kiss. I responded back hesitantly but his passion and skill controlled me and everything else. I could slowly feel myself starting to relax, more so, because of him. It lasted a couple minutes of our lip action to stop, due to the fact that it left us breathless.

We both looked into each other's eyes once more, breathing heavily as the moments went on by.

"No matter what happens, I've got you," he said, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine.

All I could do in that moment was close my eyes with him and just be in the shared moment. For some strange reason, and given everything I had been through, something told me that I could trust him.