Only Love Remains - Paul McCartney Fanfiction

Chapter 18 - Paul's Realisation

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PAUL

It was December 15th. Before I took the plane home, she promised me that if she still wants our marriage, she'll be home by Christmas. I knew I couldn't do anymore to convince her, this was her decision. I'm the one who did all this and I didn't feel like I should be forcing her to stay when I've hurt her.

That last date I had with her was something I treasure very much. For all I knew, it could've been the last one. I liked to remain a hopeful guy, but this time I just didn't know. It was the first time that I wasn't sure of anything. Usually I had a plan or a goal, but my whole life involved music and love. Both of those things weren't guaranteed anymore.

The beard was growing back half because I was lazy and half for the winter. It kind of kept me a bit warm despite it getting itchy sometimes. I think Ramona liked the beard too, she told me it looked good on me. It was a very different look. Ever since that moped accident left me with a gnarly scar on my lip, I had been enjoying facial hair.

I was in the horses' stable refilling their water and making sure they were alright. We didn't have many luxuries in this house, but we did make sure to get a great stable for the horses. I think the horses had more of a luxurious life than us. That was the way we wanted it.

Sighing as I approached her horse, I placed my hand behind his ear and scratched it gently, watching as the horse shut its eyes and leaned towards me. "Sorry I drove your Mama away. Hopefully she'll come back home soon," I said. "I must have really done bad to cause all this. What am I saying? I know I did really bad. And now I'm talking to a horse," I suddenly chuckled.

After finishing doing whatever was needed to do in the stables, I went inside and opened up the package that had come in earlier in the day. It was the new album. I stared at the cover, taking in the most beautiful image in front of me.

Grazing my fingers over the cover, I noticed how blue her eyes looked and found myself staring for longer than I realised. Her lips were painted in her favourite dark red lipstick that she only ever wore on extra special occasions. Other than that, she didn't wear very much makeup.

The photo had her slightly at a side angle. You could see the outline of her side profile but it wasn't like you could only see one side of her face. She stared in your direction, but not directly at you. Her dark brown hair was pushed back behind her shoulders and ears as if they were being blown by wind, yet it looked so perfect. I really felt that my wife was the kind of girl you only see in your dreams.

I played the record and sat down in my chair with a warm cup of tea in my hand. The album felt like some kind of hypnotic trance. As soon as the first track played, I was just stuck sitting there and listening with an intense concentration. I listened to the way she sang each word and noticed every small nuisance in the songs. Her lyrics writing was always very imaginative and it would somehow improve every time she wrote something new.

The music was perfect. She never let something leave the studio until it was at a standard she was happy with. The only musician she trusted to go off and do their own thing with her song was Joshua. I could tell why when I heard him play for the first time.

There was a lot of raw emotion coming from Ramona's voice on this record. She always seemed to be able to point out a flaw in her songs, but I don't know if she could do it again this time. There was a reason her album was doing so well in the charts right now. It's only been a week, but it's the biggest thing right now. She probably had people forgetting about Abbey Road.

Abbey Road, The Beatles...

I gulped as I thought about the lads and all that had happened. Not all that long ago, we were on top of the world and were all like brothers. Now, we were all bitter and the ride had come to a stop.

It had been so damn hard. I worked too hard for that band to be able to easily accept that it's over. During our last years, it felt like I was the only one who cared. I never gave up on that band. At some point or another, they quit but I never did. I was never the one who said I was leaving the band or the one who had to be convinced to come back. I was always there.

We stopped agreeing on things and slowly the tensions in the studio would be high. There were so many disagreements, not only on our songs, but on business too. I hoped that one day they would see the mistake they made trusting that man, Allen Klein. I hoped that one day they wouldn't look at me like I was some villain when all I wanted to do was to help them.

John was my best friend. He was the person I would ring up if I needed help on situations like this. We trusted each other and he was one of the greatest people I'd ever met. He was gone. Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to him. He sure seemed to become co-dependent after finding Yoko. It was like she managed to tame the man who wouldn't ever let anyone control him. He stopped acting like John one day and it hurt. He didn't want anything to do with me.

After all the work I put into everything, it all crumbled and I felt like I couldn't even stop it. I tried so hard to keep everything together in that band and yet nothing changed.

I suddenly stopped going on a mental rant when I started realising the truth.

The exact frustration I felt was what I put Ramona through. I remember the night I came home and cried to her about how the band was over and how we decided to leave London and retreat here on our Scottish farm. She didn't foresee the turn our lives were about to take just like I never saw the end of The Beatles coming.

The memories of both the final years of the band and the recent times in my misery began to rip through me. I felt like it was all beginning to hit me at once with a violent crash.

I could hear the arguments I had with the boys and the pleads from my wife. It echoed through my mind and the sound never seemed to stop bouncing. I could see the image of John and I arguing and the image of Ramona suffering from my drinking. It felt like I was going insane while my body began to react badly. My breaths were short and desperate while a numb yet tingly feeling flushed through my limbs.

The echoes was joined by Ramona's singing playing through the speakers and I very quickly realised what song she was singing. The heartache in her voice was unmistakable.

I knew what I put her through. It was exactly what I had felt with the band. All that wishing and praying for it to work without seeing anything good happen. Trying so hard to keep it stable without much care from the other side. It was like talking to a brick wall. It was like trying to shout when no sound would leave your mouth. It was insanity.

Stumbling to the door and hurrying to get fresh air outside, I found myself sitting on the grass and trying to catch my breath. Just as I finally lost the numbness in my limbs and was able to breathe again, I was interrupted by a sob that I couldn't hold back. I didn't even know I wanted to cry.

I curled up into a ball, my knees against my chest as I wrapped my arms around myself. "I'm sorry," I whispered through my cries. "I'm so so sorry, baby."

I loved her like mad. There's barely any right way to describe it. All I know is that I think about her all the time and that every time I catch even a glimpse of her, it feels like my heart bursts. I don't even know how to describe that odd feeling in my chest. I get all smiley around her and find myself unable to properly keep track of the time with her because I'm just thinking about how great it feels to be around her. An hour with her feels like a second. She makes it so easy to be happy, yet I still hurt her.

All of that, and somehow I ignored her as if she wasn't even there. Everyday I just drank and slept and didn't say much to her. Even when she tried to talk to me or get me to do things, I just kept ignoring her. She would try to help and talk to me while I just acted miserable.

I knew I couldn't blame her if she didn't come home, but I also knew I wouldn't be able to handle it either.

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