This Burning Love

Thinking and Walks

Carson's POV

When I leave his place, and get back home, I leave my car in the driveway, and I find myself just walking aimlessly around the parklands, not wanting to go home, the haunted feeling of being alone with my thoughts in an enclosed space making me sick with claustrophobia.

     'We should go back to Jonah. He needs us right now. And he's hot.' Houston tells me, still trying to convince me that I need to stop being so cynical about this Mating.

    'Why should I? He seems stubborn in his efforts to push me away. Who am I to make his efforts go to waste?' I shoot back, just wishing that everything was as it was three days ago when I was a bitter, lonely man who was dragging his feet through life.

   At least then I know what my roll is and what I have to do. This is completely uncharted territory and I'm not keen on trying to figure things out as I go.

   Nor am I one to take a leap of faith.

   'How do you know if something can be good unless you try it first?' Houston asks me, reminding me of all the lectures I got about being picky as a kid, and just like my parents, I ignore him.

    Instead of going home, I find myself trekking into the forrest, as if the lack of people around and the wild smell of the forest would help me figure out what I need to do. The trees are dark and enclosing, the moon the only source of light. There's animals scurrying about, the distant hoot of an owl reaching my ears as I slowly walk through the forrest, pine needles crunching beneath my feet.

     As I walk, I can't seem to shake the feelings of pity and compassion that I feel for Jonah every time I think about this mornings visit or the talk with Lily.

    I can't imagine what it must feel like to have the people you always thought was your family so suddenly turn on you over something you can't control. I remember being a kid, and playing with Jonah a few times. My parents used to work on the Pack council, and I was there at the pack house when Luna Cody went into labor with Lily. He was always so open and happy. Always had a story and a laugh to share. But now, Jonah seems like a shadow of himself. Dark, gloomy and alone.

    Sadness pangs in my heart, and I find myself wanting to go to him again, but I falter.

    What if he's pushing me away because I'm a wolf and he resents us now because of the suffering he's going through?

   The thoughts pierces my heart, though before I can react, Houston intervenes to be the voice of reason.

   'I'm sure he doesn't hate you.' Houston assured me in the calming manner he always seems to have. 'Though he might be pushing you away because he assumes that you hate him, seeing as most of the pack does.' He adds on, his delivery soft, but his words harsh, bringing forth a possibility that I didn't even think about.

   After spending a few hours in the woods, just walking around and even letting Houston race through the wooded lands, I finally decide it's time to do something. Otherwise, my brain would explode from the conscious effort of trying to ignore the elephant in my head. I trudge out of the thicket of trees closer to the center of the pack where a few shops and a large park are.

    I shove my hands in my pocket and people watch as I follow the sidewalk further into town towards where the grocery store is, knowing I've been out of milk for days. Each time I pass someone I can't help but wonder: Are they one of the wolves that makes Jonah run from those who are trying to help?

      Thankfully, I reach the grocery store soon, and use the sensory bomb as a means to ignore the internal chatter. I walk around aimlessly for about thirty minutes, not really shopping, but looking around at all the things the store has the offer, enjoying a semi quiet mind. Soon, I start to get bored when I start down the pasta isle which I've been down twice already, and my idle thoughts come back at full speed, my anxiety rising in the process.

   I give in and go to grab some milk, making my way defeatedly towards the check out. Once I pay for the milk I'm once again found without a distraction from my worry and anxiety over what to do about Jonah.

     'Goddess, Carson, if you have all these questions and thoughts why not go and ask the man yourself? Go back to his apartment and actually talk this time instead of being impossible.' Houston tells me, exasperation heavy in his tone.

   I go to argue, but I don't, unable to find a reason not to go other than my own fear.

   With a half assed resolve and hesitation nipping at my heels, I make my way back home, my racing mind quiet now that I'm finally doing something to get some answers. I arrive at my house and unlock the door. I head inside just to drop the milk off in the fridge and to grab my keys, locking the door behind me as I head to my car, my heart pounding as I think about the fact that I'm actually going to see him again.

   Despite myself, as I make my way back towards Hybrid territory where Jonah lives, I find my lips wanting to curl up into a smile in anticipation over seeing him again, even if it was only a few hours ago that I was able to smell the addicting scent of Camp fires and coffee.

My ears redden at my thoughts doubt still churning in my stomach that this could actually work out, though Houston doesn't seem to need any more convincing.

Finally I arrive, though I don't get out immediately, instead, I just sit in my car for a moment, hands still on the wheel and a lip caught between my teeth in contemplation. What if he just brushes me off again or tells me he doesn't want me? What if I already lost him?

My anxiety starts to fill my lungs, crushing air settled so deep in my lungs, that I struggle to get air out. The faces of the family that I miss flash between my eyes, and the pain that I felt when they left me strike me in the chest before taking ahold of my lungs and squeezing until all I can do is sit there and cry.

It's been months since I had a panic attack, and as I try to curl into myself in the front seat of my car, I'm struck with just how scared I really am.

Everyone that I have ever loved has died and left me here alone even when they said they wouldn't. All my friends who said they had my back all left once they couldn't handle the heaviness of my pain anymore, so they all left. Everyone who I thought I could lean on to get through one absence, ended up leaving and adding yet another scar onto my abandoned heart.

How can I put trust in a stranger who's already showed his disinterest in being with me or staying around? How can I put my heart on the line when it's been made so clear that it would be left there, unwelcome.

There's only one answer: I can't.

So despite Houston's pleas to calm down and go back, I pull out of the parking lot of the apartments and make my way back home, tears streaming down my cheeks, and loneliness echoing inside my chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh this one really gets you in the feels. I'm not writing at my usual writing speed and I'm trying not to let it bother me. I'm very happy with this chapter though and I'm very excited to see where this book goes.

Thoughts?

Comments?

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