Badlands

The Night Before Christmas 2020

'Twas the night before Christmas 2020, when all through the land

Another lockdown was looming, so no one made plans.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

Though we all knew St. Nicholas could not be there;

He's not in our bubbles, so he can't come to visit.

No one can come over. This Christmas will be shit.

I didn't even bother putting up a tree,

What's the point when no one can see it but me?

With only the ghost of Christmas presents beneath it.

Honestly, it just didn't seem worth it.

I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow,

I check the forecast: chilly with no rain or snow,

There's no chance this Christmas will be white.

So I settle myself in for a silent night,

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

The JustEat delivery man had taken a fall,

Spilling my dinner, dessert, drink and all.

Christmas dinner for one, ordered online,

Exploded over my front steps like a land mine.

I feel sorry for him, he still has to work,

He's shit at his job, but at least he's not hurt.

I send the JustEat guy away, I give him a tip;

When you're delivering food, don't fucking trip.

Mariah comes on the radio again, she still wants love.

But all I want for Christmas is a hug.

I haven't had one since January,

This year has been so damn lonely.

It's been like It's a Wonderful Life, after Clarence

Has erased George and his entire existence:

Nobody is able to touch or hold me.

It's not the way humans should be.

And wham, suddenly I start reminiscing

About last Christmas, before social distancing

When we could go out drinking and hugging,

And I wonder if such times will come again.

The last few months, the virus has been spreading

Far too quickly. 'Tis the damn season.

Please don't go home for Christmas,

Don't give your family the corona virus,

That's a horrible gift, it's just not worth it.

We'll all have to make do with this Christmas being shit.

We'll all be Kevin McCallisters, we'll all be home alone.

This should be the most peaceful Christmas any of us have ever known.

Unless the Wet Bandits decide to show their face;

Prepare your booby traps, just in case!

Please relax, stay safe, and get good and drunk,

And let's hope next year we'll be out of this funk.

Until then, bah humbug, I can't find any seasonal cheer,

Merry Christmas, but I think I'll miss this one this year.

If you are reading this, there are but two things I ask;

Have a Happyish Christmas, and please wear a face mask.