What Its Like With Eating Disorders

Its Fine- Response To Eddy o'Pal & Bintly

Not my own picture. Trigger curse words and mention of starvation and binging.

People ask me why I starved myself. It was fun for a while I wanted to be different, I wanted to be scary and make myself feel something. An artform of selfharm that only left the marks of fingernail marks in my skin.
I wanted to stay small, I don't want to have to wear a bra or pads. I wanted to be sick and feel my bones poke through. I wanted to fit finger to thumb around my arms and have my knees bigger then my thighs. Eyes sunk in and hips shoot out like the cow I am. I hate myself with every inch of my being and liked it when people looked at me scared I liked how vindicating it felt to know that the blandness on my tongue was working.

But it wasn't allowed I was forced to eat so that everyone "helping" me felt good about themselves for not letting me die. Have I recovered...no I went the opposite now I'm obsessed with food mindlessly eating when people leave the room or hours at night so nobody sees, they all know but nobody cares because I'm not a skeleton anymore. They don't care about what this side of Ed's are like mentally as long as I'm above 100 they don't care. They say things like "its okay," " we all overeat" "its fine". Let me tell you it is not fucking fine when I don't know when, where or how long a binge will happen, if ill eat something I'm allergic to or don't even like, I don't taste anything but panic I just blackout and come to surrounded by wrappers and empty boxes. I fucking hate myself at least I had a little confidence when I had control. But hey its fine that I hate myself and never want to go outside the house with anyone. Its fine that I get so angry I snap at people and want to break things, or shake intensly hyperventilating in school bathrooms or in my room chewing my nails till they bleed because no more tears show. Just anger for how fucking stupid, pathetic, incompetent, disgusting I feel in my own skin....yah its fine, it'll always be fine because they "understand" nobody understands unless you have/had a binge eating disorder... I can't tell anyone because when I say "I binge and emotional/stress eat" they think I'm over exaggerating...they don't know how much assignments are late, how much sleep I miss, how many excuses I've made canceling plans because of this disorder. But its fine right

I'm fucking done, but ill never get away not when society doesn't understand. Not when those 2 are in my head.

If people can relate you can always reach out