Eating isn't always the hard part, it is before the bite and after the chew. At my worst it was hard to swallow. But at this worst it's hard to just stop.
Recovery isn't beautiful, its not a blessing. Maybe it is for the people around you, but once your at a healthy weight nobody gives a fuck about how forcing oneself to gain weight in order to not die effects the mind set. I restricted to get away from that so why would gaining the weight back make me okay with myself. IDK it hasn't helped me... I miss being scary, I mis being able to wrap my fingers around my arms and feel the bones I miss making people grossed out by the sight of me and eating less then everyone in the room. Now Everyday I wake up wishing to just hide away, because I'm disgusted and displeased with what I have become. I'm sick of it I'm fed up but at least now with all this extra weight its easier for me to bite the skin, more to hate...more to hide.
...Skip to pandemic...
Its terrible that I enjoy this, it is one one excuse for public not to see me. It's great that I can wear masks to spare the people from seeing my face its even better I can hide it from myself, I can blame the roundness on the fabric that isn't my skin. But saying that I'm happy is far from the truth, I have become more lazy, more of a disgusting as slob who doesn't have a shred of selfworth or desire to even care. I have gained so much weight but haven't any pride to do something about how disgusting I feel in myself. Is there even any point I tried once to make myself feel better and I was forced to stop. Maybe I'm just meant to live in this monstrous beast that is my vessel. I really hate her. I don't hate my talents or anything just this stupid nasty body
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What Its Like With Eating Disorders
RandomDISCLAIMER Sometimes I can't talk to anyone about it so I'll talk on here what its like for me to live with eating conflicting disorders even then it is hard because I can't get it out or in a nice way. Some are poetic some aren't. I don't fat shame...
